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Found out my very recent ex may be bi

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kittenilla, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. kittenilla

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone, new to the site and going through a bit of a crisis here. Any advice or input is appreciated. Thanks in advance if you get through the whole thing.....

    My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago after being together two years. It was a whirlwind relationship and hasn't always been easy for either of us. I have many insecurities and he lied to me at the start of our relationship about his sexual history in the year before he met me, which brought out a bad side of me to say the least. We both tried to work on the relationship but I can honestly say I have never been able to trust him after that. Long story short, our relationship ended last week and it wasn't at all mutual decision. My feelings for him are very strong but he has told me repeatedly that he may not want to get married again (he's done it twice) and he doesn't want to waste my time so he ended it and I moved out.

    The following day I went through a bit of a crazy period and started looking through his computer history. We shared a laptop but technically it's mine so I had possession of it at the time. I know it was wrong and this is not the first time I've checked up on him when I had a weird feeling. I was all prepared to find evidence of him cheating on me with a woman, or maybe even some porn, but instead I found a link to a gay/bi hookup site for men. He had went to it the previous weekend when I was at the gym and according to the timeline was only on there about 5 minutes. I was shocked to say the least, he has always seemed somewhat homophobic and I never suspected he was anything but heterosexual. I called him up that night, not angry just seriously confused and there was dead silence on the line for about 10 seconds when I asked him if he went to that site. He said that it was the first time he went there and it's only because our relationship was nearing the end and he was wondering if maybe it's him who can't seem to make a relationship with a woman work, maybe he should just be with a man. He also said that he doesn't think that he's gay, more looking for a "mentor" of sorts than anything else.

    The next day something was just not adding up to me. How did he even know to go to that particular site and he had apparently created a screen name and logged on for the five minutes, so many questions. So I did the ultimate bad thing and created a fake profile and looked him up on there. Lo and behold he has had that account for the past 4 years (partly while he was married), and there were some pretty horrifying pictures (to me). He is listed as "bi" and interested in much older men according to his profile. I know his penis well so I knew right away it was him. Now I hope I don't offend anyone, what people want to do in their sex life is entirely up to them and I have no judgment. But when it comes to the person that I loved and thought I knew on a close and personal level? I was beyond mortified that he could have kept something like that from me. To me, that's something that should be talked about in the beginning of the relationship so everyone is on the same page and can decide if that relationship is right for them. Aside from that, I am not angry at all, I now have been feeling this enormous heartache for him and what he must be going through. This is something that no one but me and my snooping ways knows. I texted him after I found it and he apologized for putting me through hell and not telling me. I asked him my questions because I now feel like our entire relationship was one big lie and he assured me it wasn't, he just didn't think I'd understand. Come to find out he went to that site during our relationship a couple times but looked, realized it's not what he wanted, and never met or talked to anyone. He also claims that he has never been with a man and still doesn't think he's gay or bi, but just wants to be accepted and is going about it in the wrong way. I can't say I believe him. I now know that we will never get back together, any hope I may have had is gone now. But I care for him very much and want to be there for him as a friend. We are both mourning the loss of our relationship, he feels just as badly as I do that we had to part ways because there were a lot of good times and a genuine affection for each other mixed in with the bad times. So I know that friendship is not exactly possible right now. I am also having a hard time getting the images I saw on his profile out of my head...my fault for looking, I know.

    My question is has anyone else been through this situation? How did you deal with finding out the truth and how did you go about supporting them? I know he must be going through some turmoil, possibly even embarrassment because I found out and he may even be angry that I know now. I really care about him and just want him to be happy and well, with a man or a woman. I just don't know where to go from here.
     
  2. BudderMC

    Full Member

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    Bump, due to technical difficulties!