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Finding a middle ground

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RainbowMan, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. RainbowMan

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    As anyone that knows me on EC is aware by now, I lack relationship experience - of any kind. I was talking to my therapist about this yesterday, and we were talking about taking it easy and not jumping in head first to the deep end of the pool (a committed relationship).

    I then told him that random hook-ups weren't my thing either, and he was like "well, that's the opposite end of the spectrum". So the goal is to find something in the middle, however, at the same time I feel like a horrible person since I would just be dragging some other innocent party into my issues.

    He also used the analogy of a baby learning to walk, which is interesting. First you learn to crawl, then to walk, and then to run. However, in doing this the baby inevitably falls on their face a few times. He asked why this is, and my response was that the baby didn't know what pain awaited them, while I'm keenly aware of the pain that awaits from a failed relationship. He countered with the fact that babies fall on their face more than once in this process, so why continue? I had no good answer for that :grin:

    I'd be interested in how to find that "middle ground" - I'm not looking for a hookup, but I'm not looking to be married tomorrow either. Where do you find that? How do you go about pursuing that?
     
  2. BMC77

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    I'm not the best one to give advice on this matter. I am in pretty much the same boat as you know if you've read any of my babbling.

    But...a part of me understands exactly what you mean by "dragging some other innocent party into my issues."

    I understand it's a spectrum between hookup and relationship, rather than either/or. However, it seems like most people in the real world would fall clearly into the either/or category.

    Perhaps a better approach for for the LTR minded is not looking for a throw away boyfriend. Instead, look on it as a long journey to LTR City even with Mr. Right. No one goes out on a first date and expects to be married the next day. (Well, no one outside of drunken revels in Vegas!) Thus one might just go out on a date with someone who seems interesting. If that date works out, there might be a second date. And so on. Step by step. And each step one can work on the various skills needed for that step. And while many guys won't last past a date or two, it seems more honest than the throw away boyfriend. Also probably better training if they are serious about a LTR. You can probably get away with a lot of mistakes with a throw away boyfriend you can't with a possible LTR boyfriend simply because Mr. I Won't Be Here Tomorrow won't care about mistakes because, well, his name says it all: he won't be around.

    These are just my thoughts, which, as I said before, might not have any value since I have zero experience in this area...
     
  3. June Cleaver

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    In my experience LTR's are not planned out before you meet and date. I have had several over the years and they started by dates that seemed we were together more and more until we would move in together. Then before I knew it it was 8 years later!

    My current man walked up the drive one fine day last year and just never wanted to go back to her or anyone else. We were a case of love at first sight. Although that is extremely rare, it can happen and was not planned out at all. We had some trouble a few months back and when we got back together, he got us marriage counseling which has helped me understand him and he me. Now I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any person in my life. I actually trust him completely which is a new experience for me to trust someone 100%. I recommend if you do get into a serious relationship to use a councilperson in the beginning.

    You just need to get out there and date. The LTR will come naturally in time when you meet the right person. It took me till 40 to get the love of my life, therefore it can happen at any time IMO. Good luck! June
     
  4. Deranged06

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    Damn, the baby analogy made me think too...

    I try to manage my expectations when it comes to meeting/hanging out/dating guys - yep in a world full of labels... lol i try to keep my expectations to a minimum to not get disappointed in the end, and also to avoid getting cray cray and analyze the whole situation and things before they even happen.. Lol now I'm learning on how to relax more for me to enjoy the company of the person...
    also TIMING is everything sometimes everything looks good, you click with person but time, location, status etc... Make it hard to make something progress, so I'll just leave it as it is and keep my options open. You cannot force something to happen because it will be a ton of mess later. And While waiting for love to happen ill just do me... And believe that something good will happen...
     
  5. LD579

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    You go into it knowing that you may get hurt, but that it's okay to be hurt. You go into it expecting... nothing, really. You meet people and you presumably click with some, you get to know them better, you both like each other, and things move on from there. That seems fair enough as a middle ground. =)
     
  6. TheEdend

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    I'm usually a very extreme person when it comes to things so I have had to learn the hard way on how to find the middle ground for many things. Things that for some people are many times common sense. I just seem to go all in with whatever I do.

    In my experience, what works is two strategies. Either you go all in and you dial back until you find what best suits you or you slowly work yourself to the bigger challenge. Either way, you have to be able to break it down to little steps as possible so you don't overwhelm yourself.

    So, break this situation down to little steps.

    (not sure what steps you have already take, but this is just to give you an idea)

    - Go to a local social lgbt meeting of some sort. Try something that grabs some of your interest if you can.
    ---- Talk to 5 strangers there at least by name
    ---- Go to 2 different socials
    ---- Learn 2 interesting things about one stranger who you find nice

    - Try creating an online profile if that is your thing
    --- messageto 5 people
    --- Keep the conversation going with at least 2 people as long as you can
    --- Meet up with at least one person


    And you can break the steps as little as you want. If you find a step too challenging then break it down. If you find it too easy then step it up a notch. The goal is to find attainable small goals and to keep challenging yourself.

    As time goes by you will start learning what you feel yourself comfortable with and what you want to strive for. You will also, hopefully, see yourself grow as you accomplish more little goals that will eventually become big goals with enough time.

    Dating is not about fooling people.

    If you find a cute guy who you connect and you both want to go on a date then communicate. Let him know where you are in your coming out experience if you want, let him know how hard is to find the balance, ask what he has done when he came out, and just communicate your expectations to the person you are getting to know.

    If you are upfront then you won't be "fooling" people and the ones that aren't interested in helping you find this middle ground will walk away, leaving you with more time for you to focus on the people that really matter.

    Again, not sure if that works for anyone else, but that's what has worked for me the most.