Should I tell my ex-bf why I broke up w him?

'll try to keep this short. A few months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of around 3 years (if you factor out the other break-up times). And for context, he's Mormon, and I don't really like religion. In high school he invited me to Mormon prom just as friends, so I went. Dances aren't really my thing, though, but our friends made us dance to a slow number. I wasn't exactly comfortable doing it. A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to go out with him. I have never had any crushes on anyone before, so I thought me being uncomfortable dancing was a sign that I liked him, so I said sure.

Here begins the long, slow, almost dateless and bumpy relationship: Basically, he gave all the love, and I gave near none. "I love you" was something I mostly just said, thinking it was right and fit our context. I had always heard from his friends how much he talked to them about me, and they certainly complained that he wouldn't shut up about me. On the other hand, I never really talked to my friends about him, not unless they asked. He said I was a distraction to him, that I was all he thought about, but I could never relate. I thought it was just how he functioned and that I didn't do the same things he did.

Over the years, it was always him breaking up with me because of the imbalance, but shortly after he would ask for me back, and each time I agreed, even when I was just getting over him the last time. Soon we graduated and I went to college in another city. He always suggested us being single so that I could date whoever and not be tied to him while I was away, somehow I couldn't bear to be apart from him relationship-wise despite knowing that we weren't going to work out. When I started my second year of college, he started his mission and moved to a different state. Our communications went from every-hour to none at all, then to once a week. He's a sensitive guy. Being on his mission leaves him stressed because some of his roommates annoy him very much, among other things. Overall, he isn't happy. But while he's away tackling his first year of two, I'm realizing that I have my first real crush.

I think the giant amount of time away from him really helped the idea sink in that we weren't going to work out. We wrote letters, but I didn't really know what to say, and he wouldn't say much either. They weren't really conversations that kept themselves going. There were weeks where no letters were circulating.

Before I fully realized I had a crush, she invited me to the movies, and I agreed, happy that I could spend more time with her, but I wanted to go without having my boyfriend at the back of my mind. Generally, I've felt obligated to stay with him because of where he was emotionally. I felt like I was his main support system, as his girlfriend, and that he should have something constant and happy to go to during his mission (but in reality, I am far from being a happy image for him. Not entirely happy.) So at this time, knowing that I wanted to spend time with my crush worry-free, I texted him (the only way we could communicate asap) and asked if we could break up.

He seemed fine about it. He said that he was glad that we had time together. But I hadn't told him that it was because I was interested in someone else. After that, I hadn't talked to him in a long time. The more I was thinking about my crush and noticing my feelings, the more it clicked in: I was doing the same things that he had been doing as he was attracted to me. With the two friends who I was comfortable talking to about my crush, I would keep talking and talking. I could just look at her, and be happy. I finally understood what he felt, or still feels.

After a month of the break-up, I texted him again. I think I still want to be friends with him because, looking back, I probably ultimately saw him as my best guy friend with benefits. But to him, I'm probably just a jerk girlfriend who never cared about him. So we talked for a bit, and the conversation was really mellow. There were several on and off periods like this. He still says that he misses me, and knowing that makes me uncomfortable because it makes me think that he still likes me.

I would like to keep him as a friend. I'm not sure if it's the best thing to do, but I think one of my blocks that keeps me from doing that is because I haven't completely told him why I broke up with him. I'm feeling kind of guilty about it. I know he would be supportive: He's done Day of Silence and talked supportively about one of our bi friends. But I also feel that by telling him, I would also be telling him that what I had done and said in our relationship had mostly been fake? I know he can be sensitive, and I'm afraid that will be too much for him. He put his entire heart into our relationship, and I kinda just went along. I don't know if we would be able to completely just be friends after telling him and start talking casually again, but hopefully without all the romantic love and physical stuff.

 

I do feel bad for not talking to him. I start up a conversation to remedy it, and then when he says that he misses doing some activity like cooking with me, I interpret it like he's still in that mindset of liking me. It also feels like it interferes with my own internal thoughts of trying to figure out myself and what I'm attracted to, so then I stop talking to him, only to start talking again for the same reason several weeks later. But now I tried to put myself in his POV and thought, what if he was only reminiscing by remembering the good times to cheer himself up while he's away? And that he was talking to me about it because we share the memories? I feel like I at least owe it to him to explain why I come and go, so that he wouldn't be confused and hurt by my actions anymore?

I do feel like I've lost a friend, mostly because I'm not being honest and telling him what's going on.

I think I'd be fine if we weren't friends (sometimes I think it's best if we aren't in contact, other times I just miss talking to him), but I still feel like I should explain myself to some extent. I probably lean towards not being friends, or at least those who just don't talk to each other a whole lot, but I feel like it also depends on his opinion. I have a feeling he's tired of me popping up and then going again.