Hey guys, I know this message is long, but I REALLY need advice, so PLEASE read and respond - I really appreciate it. So as some of you already know, I had my fourth date with Sebastian on Saturday evening, and during that time I also had sex with him (yes, we went all the way). I know that your gut reaction to what I'm about to say is going to be to tell me that it's just the hormones and that I'm just infatuated, but I swear it's more than that. I think I love him. I feel an extremely deep emotional connection with him - when he's elated, I'm elated for him, and when he feels shitty, I feel his pain with him. We tell each other everything, and I literally mean everything, including things that might be perceived as embarrassing, because we know we won't judge each other. He's not perfect, I am quite aware of that, but I accept his flaws, and I'm taking this as being the first of many signs that I might love him. I think, for example, that he shuts himself off from other people trying to help him when he's depressed, and I find that really frustrating, but I understand and have gotten used to it. He's a package deal - you can't have the good without the bad. But despite all the little things about him that drive me crazy, I love him anyways. There's a part of my brain that's screaming at me to tell him that I love him next time I see him. Just by simply stating "I love you" between kisses. But there's another part of my brain that screams for me not to do that because I could send him running for the hills. What you have to understand is that Sebastian has been hurt before, and very badly. His last serious relationship went on for two years until his boyfriend broke up with him abruptly and said a bunch of very hurtful, mean, cruel things. The whole experience put him at great psychological risk, to a point where he became depressed and suicidal. It got so bad that he had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for a while. The reason he was hospitalized in the first place is because he tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists with a very large kitchen knife. I've tried to tell him before that I'd never hurt him like that, but he always insists that circumstances change and that as much as I might mean that now, I might not mean it later. This is completely untrue - even if we broke up (can't imagine it), I'm not a malicious person and would never behave that way to anyone. Ever. It was a few days before Saturday that we talked about having sex, and he said that he wanted to do it only under the condition that I would promise to try to not become infatuated with him because he was worried about that. I have no idea why he was worried - perhaps some of you could shed some light on that as a side note. On our third date, we talked about where we were at, and I asked him how long he thought he needed before we could consider officially calling each other boyfriends. He said "at least a month" - it's been 2 weeks. It'll be another week or two before I see him again, which takes us to just under a month. I've discovered that as tempting as it is, discussing these kinds of things over text is a stupid, stupid idea. The reason I think that is is because text can seem colder than actual conversation. Emoticons help a lot, but it's still not very good, which is why I'm going to make a concerted effort to not talk about really serious topics of our relationship over text - I'll keep them to myself until we see each other. Do you guys think this is a good plan? So I'm thinking next time I'll just ask him when we're alone, "Hey Seb, I wanted to ask you something as part of that open line of communication we set up. It's been like 2.5 months since we had that first date over coffee in Toronto, and I wanted to ask you where you think our relationship is at. There's no right answer - I just want to make sure I'm on the same page." It's something, but I still need advice. I really, really want him to say "I love you" first. What are some ways where I can lead him up to saying that without being to blatantly obvious? Also, if I end up having to say it first, how do I know when it's time? It's time for me, I could phone him up and say it now, but I just want to make sure I'm not moving too fast for him. So, advice guys? Anything you have to say is well-appreciated.
Hey hey... here's my advice, take it for what it's worth (2 cents): I've been in 2 straight relationships (long term) where the "I love yous" were tossed around. Given that I had this prior experience ("knowing what love was"), when I decided to seriously start dating guys, I thought that my prior experience dating girls had somewhow prepped me... Foolishly, I thought it would be easier (more natural cuz I'm gay and much easier because guys are less complicated than women...HAH!) Based on all of this, I mistakenly thought I would know what love was. Fast forward, I was in 3 less-than-ideal gay relationships; however, many of the feelings you're discussing above mirror many of the feelings that I had... the connection with those 3 guys at the time was undeniable and it all felt like it was meant to be. I was planning the rest of my life with these guys... Well, sorry to say every one of these relationships failed miserably and I ended up getting hurt for a long time... even swore off being gay entirely. Just going by your posts and what-not, I say this to you with all due respect and nothing but the best of intentions (and personal experience): SLOW DOWN! I think that movies and tv have perpetuated this idea of true love somehow being instantaeous and I see so many people trying to achieve this... to the point where they force it. (I know, I've been there 3 times before)... The fact that you're on your fourth date and already considering "I love you" is scary (not to mention the sex... but I'm old-fashioned in that respect, not hating, promise)... I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 months and we haven't even said "I love you" to each other. It's not that I don't want to, but I don't want to rush things... sex, I love you, these are all things that should arise naturally... there's no timeline that dictates these type of things because everyone's situation is different. I do understand that "love at first sight happens", but it's not the norm... and I'm not saying this isn't the case for you, but because I can relate to what you write, I'm going to go on a limb and say this is a case of "fools rushing in", for lack of a better term. Relationships don't just happen... at least not to me. These are things that require a lot of work, patience and dedication to nurture. How do you know that you love this person? Every description you wrote as to how you know I've heard in countless Lifetime movies. Have you been alone together for 15 hours? Have you met his friends? How does he act around other people? His family? What's he like when he gets really, really mad? Is he organized? Yes, you say you think you love him regardless of all his faults... but do you really know them? I think these are the things you have to see/experience for yourself before you can make an accurate judgment of "love". It seems to me that you're rushing into this relationship. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh in my advice, but I like being direct and hope someone would have given me this type of advice earlier on in my life. Here's what I'm saying to you: take the relationship slow... yeah, the initial stages of a romantic relationship are so awkward that sometimes you just want to hide in a closet and give up on relationships forever, but once you start moving out of this phase, it's probably the most fun you'll ever have. If your ultimate goal is to have a FWB type of arrangement, then by all means, keep doin' what you're doin'... but if you're thinking of a more long-term commitment, take it slow, get to know each other, actually experience the good and the bad (aside from just talking about it) and see what happens. Once you have some history... you'll have a better idea of if and when to say I love you. Kinda like investing... you don't just put all of your money in the company who just released the newest, most awesome product... a wise investor would see how it performs in various circumstances and little by little make a more informed decision. Hope this is helpful to you... wishing you nothing but the best!!!!!!
Relax... Give it some time... You need to understand that people are different just because you feel or think you love him it's going to be the same with him... I have no idea why he was worried - he's like telling you to take it easy... You mentioned he's been hurt before so he wants to take it slow. He's still unsure of his feelings and your feelings so he wants to take his time into getting to know you etc... And there's nothing wrong with that. If talking about your concerns, how you feel about him, where you are going etc. face to face will make you feel much better then talk about it in person. What are some ways where I can lead him up to saying that without being to blatantly obvious? - you cannot lead someone to say I love you if he doesn't feel like it. There is no single formula when it comes to love or relationships. Love - you know when you know... So if you say it first don't expect to hear it back right away Ok? You are young, This is a new relationship so I understand the excitement and fantasies of you and him going on in your head. it's normal Oh young love... It's cute lol
Oki doki, now firstly some relationship advice on how to deal with a closed-off depressed person. The trick, ironically, is not to be supportive, but to try and be positive, but not overly positive. Smile and tell a joke or two every once and a while, make them feel like maybe life isn't so bad after all. I've found that by saying "Oh, I've been there, done that" and generally trying too hard to relate can cause people to become even more depressed, as in, it can give the impression that everyone is miserable and the world is a miserable place. A little bit of relation and a lot of positivity can go a long way! And as for the "I love you" Thing, I know what it's like to be in love, and to have someone not fully understand how much you love them. My girlfriend and I recently broke up, because of that exact reason, I loved her, and she didn't believe me, but lately we've been talking a lot and it all might work out in the end... My point is, don't say it, show it. If you love him, truly and deeply love him, show him you love him. He will never believe you if you just come out and say it. Show him that you accept his flaws, stay by his side no matter what, and eventually, he will get the message.
Hi Aaron, There's a lot of wisdom in what the others above have answered to your question. Solomon (no slouch when it came to wisdom) said it best: Love is a strong as death. Not to be morbid, but it's that serious. As was stated above, you really need to get to know him and, as suggested, you need to get to know him outside of the cozy cocoon you have created together (includes your intimate texting), you stated he has faults, but you may not appreciate the degree to which these may be a problem (or not!), and, unfortunately, it takes time to uncover and understand these things. I have been in your situation, I have not regretted saying I love you first, but it's not a safe or wise place to be if it is too soon. The wise person, after all, avoids the trouble the smart one has to get out of.
