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Letter to a Depressed Boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AaronMed, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. AaronMed

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    I know this is long, but I'm begging you all, please read it - I'm in desperate need of advice here.

    Okay, here comes a topic I don't often talk about on EC because it saddens me that much.

    Sebastian, my guy, is extremely depressed. He suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and Bipolar Disorder (BPD), for which he takes medication. Well, he was taking medication, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    He lives in a state of semi-poverty with his extremely toxic grandparents. His dad used to beat his mom and so they divorced, meaning Sebastian's biological father is out of the picture. He is semi-close to his mom, but she tends to be pushy (or so he thinks), and they fight a lot over his mental health. His stepfather is a bystander and doesn't really fit into the equation.

    His mom does not live with him - she lives in a different city entirely, about an hour away. I have no idea why he lives with his grandparents instead of his mom, and I haven't asked for fear of the answer.

    Because of his semi-poverty, he is consistently under large amounts of financial strain. He won't let me pay for much, though, because he has this irrational fear that my mom will see him as being a gold-digger. He has a less-than-ideal job in the deli section of a supermarket, and it's less than ideal because some of his coworkers are rather homophobic - he refers to one of them as "the heterofuckingcrazy guy", which under different circumstances would've made me laugh.

    The night before he came over for our fourth date (the one where we had sex), he was walking home from work after an awful day, and he took a shortcut through the park. It was 10:30 PM or so, so it was pitch dark, and as he was walking through the park, a group of black guys spotted him. He has a giant tattoo of rainbow stars running up his arm, so you'd have to be a freaking idiot to not figure out he's gay, and the black gangbanger-type guys clued in. They ran towards him and tackled him and scratched at him while laughing and calling him a fag. He didn't get badly hurt physically, but needless to say, it took a massive psychological toll on him.

    He was incredibly depressed the next day and wasn't sure he was up to coming over to see me because he was afraid of how he would behave around me and what I would think of him. I told him that if we're going to have a serious relationship, he needs to let me in more, and he needs to realize that eventually I'm going to see the bad sides of him, so I might as well see them now. He agreed, and we kept our date. The date went fantastic, strangely enough.

    To add to this, Sebastian went off his medication a couple weeks ago to wash out because his psychiatrist apparently recommended he try to see what would happen/how he would respond. I think that's bullshit - I think he went off his meds because he couldn't afford them, or at least he thought he couldn't. Anyways, within a few days he felt like shit.

    Sebastian has attempted to kill himself three times previously, though each time he used methods that any reasonably-high IQ person would know had very little chance of working. However, one time he was determined to be at risk, and so he was hospitalized for a while until he became mentally stable again. That tells me that these attempts were more a cry for help than actually, truly wanting to die. And he's told me that he's beginning to have occasional suicidal thoughts again - that deeply frightens me.

    He has an appointment with his psychiatrist on Friday to get a prescription for some new medication, and god does he ever need it. I'm really hoping that we can go back to his healthy, well-medicated state in the very near future. In the interim, though, I'm concerned.

    Sebastian has a most profound tendency to push me away when he's depressed. I realize this is symptomatic of MDD, but it hurts me all the same. I want to be able to be here for him, and I'm prepared to be as supportive as he needs. Hell, if he's having a really shitty day, I'd even be willing to leave work early and take a pay cut so I could go see him - that's how dedicated I am.

    I'm considering writing a letter to him to describe all of my feelings as I've described them here. I don't really know where to start, though. So, do you guys think writing a letter is a good idea? If so, what should be in it?
     
    #1 AaronMed, Aug 6, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
  2. rusteejay

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    That's a really tricky one my friend. The problem with mental health is knowing what to say and what not to say. Sadly, during my years of confused heterosexual relationships, I had the bad luck of ending up with some mentally unstable girl. Two of them have attempted suicide. Thank fuck they failed. My own Dad has also struggled with depression and I've definitely gone through phases. What I realised is that when they're depressed, wherever there's a positive, there's a negative. They will focus on the negative. You've got to be around but not say anything too opinionated that could be argued. Everything has to be positive. Everything. I think that if you tell Sebastian how you feel then the likelihood is that he'll think you don't want him anymore and that he's crazy, life isn't worth living etc.

    Homosexuality with disorders like those you mentioned. That's like mixing absinthe with codeine. It's a really horrible position you're in there and I really admire you for sticking by the man you love! Serious respect. I'd just not say anything and go see him. Don't say how you feel and just be there with him. The meds would probably help too.
     
  3. June Cleaver

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    Listen, listen, listen is the key with a mental person. You have to be careful what you say to them as most have strange triggers. My last BF had mental problems and some words would trigger really bad episodes, like the word stupid used in any way by anybody he could hear would cause 30 min of pure hell. I listened to what he would say and take note of triggers and avoid them. It took me a year at least of living together before he started to have a glimpse of trust. He was bi for example and would french kiss a whore, but not kiss me on the cheek. I learned not to let his treatment of me get me down. Had I been in love with him like you are with yours, I may not have been able to handle it. So go slow, and be ready for a long haul ahead before he lets you in.

    No, do not write him a love letter like that until you know him better as it might freak him out. You are there to judge his reactions and needs, so you will know best what to do. Good luck and wear a thick skin with him. June
     
  4. robclem21

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    I don't really see a point in writing this letter to be honest. Anything you have to say to him can be said in person when he can see you and gage your reactions and you can gage his.

    With the amount of emotional turmoil you have discussed, I don't think you are going to get the quick fix you seem to be looking for. This type of scenario can take years if not decades to play out. Pushing the subject isn't going to accomplish what you are hoping for...not after 4 dates anyways regardless of the connection you two have. A month of dating won't make up for 20 odd years.

    Best advice is not to take his struggles personally and just be there for him when he needs it. Support him when he comes to you, and continue to offer to be there for him, but don't push him too much or take offence when he backs off. It isn't you and as much as it sucks, there isn't much you can do about it except keep encouraging him to get better.

    Hope that helps. Even though there is no "action item" on the agenda.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    I agree with those who responded above, a letter could be very easily misinterpreted. It's our state of minds that dictate how we perceive the world, and depression is a very dark filter.

    Be there, be ready and be patient. This is the tough part of loving someone...find the beauty in that, and you will endure.
     
  6. AaronMed

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    You're all right, and I didn't really think of that - because letters are printed, they can easily be misinterpreted. I'll just try to be as supportive as I can without pushing too hard or trying to pretend I know what he's going through. Showing him that I'll stay by his side no matter what is the best way to go I think :slight_smile:.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    To love is to care for his well-being, to respond to him when he needs you, to respect who he is and who he wants to be and to know him deeply...those are the tasks of love, but these would be nothing without experiencing also the beauty of your time together and the good that you find in each other.

    Sometimes, when sadness and depression settle in, it's very hard to see the good in someone else, so you need to be there anyway, for when it lifts, and for when he remembers why he loves you.
     
  8. rjrh20

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    I think if you wrote a letter, he would do one of two things.

    The first one being he would think you are overly attached and want some space. (I think this one is very unlikely almost zero percent likely)

    The second one being that your not here to hurt him and you really do want a realtionship with him.

    Good luck!!!
     
  9. Estragon84

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    Just an observation... I noticed in reading your post that you place a lot of judgement on certain situations:

    " I think that's bullshit - I think he went off his meds because he couldn't afford them, or at least he thought he couldn't."

    "...though each time he used methods that any reasonably-high IQ person would know had very little chance of working."

    When you talk to him... make sure you listen actively and free of judgement, or at least keep any judgement to yourself. The last thing a person in his seemingly fragile state needs is to feel even worse for something they might think they have little or no control over, or feel like they are being judged for it. If you want him to trust you, the key is that he feels that he can tell you anything without fear of being judge or criticized.

    Just something to keep in mind.
     
  10. Deranged06

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    Hi Aaron,

    I agree with the posters above, i think it's is much easier to talk in person, that way you don't have to read between the lines and words will not be taken out of the context.

    Now about you... The advice that I can give you is you will have to be very patient, understanding and with minimum expectations to none about This relationship. proceed with an open mind and heart. Do you know what they say about fixing a broken glass? it might hurt you in the end.

    Be ready and able to read their mood swings/episodes, take your time before responding to the situation. Listen attentively to avoid misunderstandings. Their need for Constant reassurance due to low self esteem, fears etc. and here is the hard part sometimes they turn cold and distance themselves if they feel that it's too much to bear, feel empty/numb, feel guilty of dragging someone into their situation or they don't know how take it when someone cares for them, for whatever reason you need to understand that its not about you and you can only do so much.... I don't want this to sound all negative, just Speaking from experience. Like any relationship some requires a lot of work and this is no different specially you are getting involved with a person with depression. It's going to be more challenging on your part, so you have to know what you are getting into... good luck and t.c.
     
  11. malachite

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    I used to have a friend in college who was bi-polar, and he didn't often want people around him when he was feeling depressed. He was embarrassed.

    So, try to understand he isn't pushing you away because he is angry with you, most of us don't want people to see us at our lowest.

    A letter is a good idea, this way you can gather your thoughts in what you want to say and he can read it when he feels ready.
     
  12. bingostring

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    Agree with all the above.

    When I'm really depressed I want to curl up in a ball and isolate myself - from everyone.. so don't take it personally if he seems to distance himself.

    Just let him know you are around and accessible .. thats the best thing to do
    and talk when you get the opportunity.

    good luck...
     
  13. GayNerd

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    Wait until Sebastian starts taking the new medication. Then you should keep trying to talk to him face-to-face. If it still doesn't work, then you should write a letter.
    If he is still having Suicidal thoughts, get Sebastian some therapy.