I know there are a lot of these threads (trust me I have read almost every one) but I would like some peoples take on my situation. I know its long I did my best to encapsulate everything but keep it short. Thanks in advance. Ill keep my background short, but like you my sexuality never played any sort of role in my life. It didn't bother me or affect my in any way. I guess I didn't necessarily deny it I just didn't care really. Anyway here is my story. Ill preface with the fact that this relationship (or whatever you want to call it) has completely up ended my entire life for really the past two years. So this kid was pledging when I was a junior and he was a freshman, obviously. A couple months into say November/December he "poked" me on Facebook and throughout that year he started texted me a lot when we really didn't know each other. For example, things like "where did you go last night". Over the next summer (when I was going into my senior year) he would text me at work just stupid stuff like you would to a friend while you were bored, but we really didn't know each other but whatever. Senior year (his sophomore year) we hung out a lot. I couldn't tell you how many times (and I had to look through all this in therapy) he would text me say after midnight asking, "where are you". He lived in our house, I lived in a senior house. He frequently would try (almost to the point of force) get me to pass out at the house. It got to the point where I would almost fake how drunk I was to see what would happen. Twice I woke up the next day with my pants unzipped. A couple times we held hands or made intimate contact (cuddling I guess you could call it) but he always would either say "what happened last night" in a joking manner or not say anything. Over Christmas break we talked almost every day. The same sort of texting happened the rest of my senior year with a couple notable events. He really made it apparent he wanted to room together on spring break (not alone but together with six or seven people but most other people where rooming with people there age). Last night of spring break I was a mess, I felt the looming graduation, and was pretty mentally out of it from drinking and not sleeping all week. I went outside and we were sitting together and I started balling at the prospect of missing him, he was crying as well. We were basically holding hands and hugging the whole time. We went back inside and I don't know why I did this cause it wasn't true but I told him he had told me was gay. He denied this but I said I think I am too and he said "I didn't think you were". Anyway my memory of the rest of what happened is fuzzy but the next day he texted me (after our trip was over) "lets never do that again" and I said something back and he quickly dismissed it. Another of my upsetting moments occurred in the last week of school when in a similar situation he told me "he wanted to try making out with a dude" and all I remember after that is holding hands while walking home. Anyway so the things that most bother me from this time is the texting of "where are you" (I mean Im not stupid), they vigorous attempts to get me to pass out where he lives and the two other incidents. After I graduated in may of 2011 we talked almost everyday. But he went back to school and the day to day contact sort of went away but for the past two years he has pretty much posted on my Facebook once a week (sometimes two or three times a week) even as our contact has faded. Every week for two years, even when we have only seen each other a couple of times in the past year. The agony this has caused me is really just beyond describable. About a year ago I came out to him, and was really upset and only slightly mentioned some of the things he did but didn't accuse. He just replied "this changes nothing" and he continued with the face booking and we have never spoken about it. It confused me that I sort of insinuated that some things happened between us and he really didn't address it at all. I thought him graduating would change something but I have only seen him twice this summer, but he still posts on my Facebook maybe once a week or less. I just don't have any clue what to do. I have slowly tried to eliminate contact with him because it is really painful for me, but apart from completely blocking him (via social media shit) I can't do that. I don't even talk to him really anymore to say something but I was thinking about just coming clean and blocking him and moving on because I really don't think I can be friends with him. My mind says, "hey its time to move on he isn't interested" but my heart says "look at all the evidence!!" I always feel like I went with the mentality "straight until proven proven proven otherwise" and never pursued anyone on a hunch. This just developed. I respect people's privacy in figuring things out themselves, but I just have to HAVE TO find some closure. :tears:
It sounds like he's really latched onto you, to put it mildly. Are you interested in him in a romantic way? Unfortunately, such a thing could be more problematic than one may think as he seems to be... sort of clingy, to be blunt. It sounds like he likes you but isn't 100% secure in himself. Those were just thoughts I had. If he can't admit to himself or to you that he likes you (Assuming he does like you), then there's nothing you can do for now. A closeted gay guy who is out to no-one at all except himself is off-limits unless he can come out to others. To clear up any misconceptions this may cause, I'll give an example: -A is gay and A knows it -B is gay and everyone knows it, including B -B asks A out on a hunch. A is not out to B or anyone else, for that matter. -In this instance, A is essentially off-limits unless he can come out to B. I hope that made sense.
That is certainly odd behavior. I don't know any straight guys who would hold another guy's hand or make out with another guy. That doesn't mean they aren't out there, but I don't personally know any. And trying to get you to pass out at the house is just creepy. The other evidence, incessant texting and Facebook posts, is also suggestive. There is no doubt he is clinging to you, and I would also bet that he is gay. What do you have to lose at this point by seeking some closure? It sounds like you have very little meaningful contact with him now as it is, and the worst thing that would happen if you confront him is he stops posting to your Facebook wall. So all of that being said, I would ask more directly about the obvious signals he was sending you. Just be honest with him. If it goes nowhere, block him and cease contact. Hope that helps!
Thanks both for your replies. Luthan: The problem is, that yes I really care for him. I can't picture him out of my life. When I think of what our relationship use to be, I miss it very much. Almost every time I pick up my phone I wish to get a text from him. How do you let go of that? I know I am insecure and I idealize being with someone who is in my group of friends, because it so much easier than facing the world alone. You're right...if he hasn't admitted it to himself there is nothing I can do. My instinct, and what I would bet on (though not with my life) is that he is gay and most likely hasn't yet admitted it to himself. The evidence is just too much. The letter I sent to him last year was short, but I said "I know there are some things that were said and happened, and you have my absolute trust as I hope you to me." The rest of the letter was solely focused on myself and how unhappy I was. I mean without explicitly saying so, I was implying that some things happened between us. My opinion, any secure straight person would have bluntly said, "sorry man I'm not gay but I am here for" yada yada...he constantly calls us "best friends" and all he replied was, "this changes nothing" I mean your best friend just tells you how miserable he is, and that is all you have to say in return? Seems to me like your hiding something. I guess I have decided I need closure. I can't just block him without saying at least something. I need to either be rejected (which wouldnt even in my mind convince me I was wrong) or least go down swinging. I don't want to regret at least putting all my cards out there. How do I seek closure? Email? Text? In person? I don't want to confront somebody or be an asshole, but I am about to start my 2nd year of law school and I can't go through that hell with this hanging on me. On the same token, I don't want to have to feel the blame for making something out of nothing and ruining a friendship.
If it's at all possible, I would do it in person. I'm not sure if you guys are geographically close to each other, but that could obviously complicate things. Maybe start with an email or text saying something along the lines of "Hey man, can we meet up for coffee to talk about something important? It's something that's been bothering me for a while, and I just want to have an honest discussion with you about it." That's how I would do it, but I'm not sure there is a "right" way. In the conversation itself, you don't need to be asshole, but you do have to be direct and blunt if you want to feel like you got closure. If you skirt around the things that are bothering you, you'll just go back with more unanswered questions. I really hope this works out for you dude, but if not, you'll at least be able to move on with your life knowing you did everything you could.
Hi there Ryan, I will take a crack at this. I will start by saying I agree with the others who have already responded. His behaviour is rather odd and it does seem like he is hanging on to you for whatever reason. What the reason is, I can probably only speculate, but this actually reminds me more of a situation with a girl I used to chase before I realized I was gay. From his perspective. Maybe he is gay, maybe he isn't? Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't? In an ideal world you would know both those answers, but as in my advice to everyone else around here, unless someone explicitly tells you they are gay, it is a dangerous assumption to make. It is less than 1 in 25 odds. Similarly, when we want something, it is easy to read too much into signs and as consciously as we like to think we can rationalize them, we can't. Many simply just "are what they are". My best guess with him, as with the girl I was "seeing" is that he likes the attention, and keeping you close gives him something to hang on to, to give him confidence, and to make him feel wanted. He knows how you feel about him and by not addressing it directly, he is manipulating you into continually trying. He is messaging you just frequently enough to let you know he hasn't forgotten, but it seems like he is far from interested in any sort of relationship. Now for you. You have a few options. You may never get the closure you want right away. It may take years and it can happen in a few ways. In spite of all the evidence, real or not, you can keep chasing him, and maybe one day he will come around? Sounds like a lot of misery to you. I chased that girl for a good 2 years and we left off right where we started. A better option is to move on and let closure happen when it does. He may find someone else? At which point you will know. He may stay closeted forever, in which case who cares if he is gay or not? Closeted forever will not be able to satisfy what you are looking for with him. Or 3, you will find someone else who makes you feel the same way and you will get closure by no longer feeling like a "prisoner" to his mind games. Essentially the choice is yours and not his, and there is absolutely no need on your part, to feel responsible for ruining a good friendship. You have feelings that he as of now cannot reciprocate, and he is failing to uphold his end of the friendship by being there for you in a way you need. Friendships rarely work in situations like this. I no longer talk to that girl, and though sometimes I think "what if". It passes and I am very happy with the guy I am with now. As I imagine she is very happy with the guy she is with. Hope that helps. Feel free to message on my wall if you need anything else.
hmmm... 1. he can't or won't give me the connection I desire, not now or maybe at all guess i have to accept that 2. i might have been played by an attention seeking person :bang: a very plausible explanation, something i had not thought of :bang: 3. there is no way i can get the truth out, a text or email is easy to hide behind and if he won't admit anything he won't admit anything it is frustrating that i believe he knows how i feel or felt and still made an effort to keep me around...to string me along like this :bang: and to lose a close relationship my end dilemma is ok he is gone, whatever time will force me to accept that but since we are in the same group of friends to a certain degree there are mutual friends who i have avoided simply because i know making plans with them will involve him and i am probably going to have to continue to do that :bang::bang:
The mutual friend thing does make it harder, and I know you have already been dealing with this for some time, but try to take everything in stride. It will work itself out in time if you take the right approach to the situation. It may seem like forever, but just stick with whatever plan you decide.
I guess i just hope even if we don't end up together that he was gay, and I didn't put myself through all this for nothing.
Even though I'm young, I sort of know that feeling. Of course, having said that I'm young feel free to disregard my advice because I am probably the least capable person. I just wanted to say something because I can empathize. Honest opinion: I think you have spent a lot of emotion on him. I barely hesitate to say that you may be wasting emotion on him. I honestly don't know whether he is interested in you or not, but there has to be a point where you draw the line. You deserve to have someone love you as much as you love them. Maybe you felt this was something more than a crush, and that's why it's so painful. It obviously doesn't help that you still have to see him every so often. And I totally can understand the hope that there's a chance, the chance you may get your feelings returned the way you want them to be. After all you've spent your emotion, thought, and feelings on this guy. Once again, there has to be a time where we realize that eventually your just loving someone who doesn't love you. And people who do that often don't realize there are better people who will give them the love they deserve. On the off chance that he is gay and is interested, I still say that you need to begin to distance yourself. Minimize whatever interactions you have with him. Go out for the night. It is not fair to you to have to wait around. I honestly hope you can find some peace. Letting go of these types of things are hard.
Thanks for your post. Even though you are much younger than me, it is still nice to hear people's opinions as I need to constantly re-read these posts to remind myself A. how much he has hurt me B. how he was probably playing me C. the odds are stacked against me, and on and on. However, I haven't spent a lot of emotion on him. I have spent way, way, way more than that. The only times I have cried in my recent memory is because of him. I have spent hundreds of dollars on therapy, and thousands of hours analyzing, thinking and replaying every little detail of our "relationship". You are right, at some point your mind says "enough is enough!!" But that doesn't make the feelings in my heart go away. It doesn't take away the hope that I have ever time I check my cellphone I will see a text there like I use to. I desperately want to find peace and just let it go.
I think I have broken. My mind and my heart are completely broken. I am sorry for beating the dead horse in my own thread, and I need to let this out. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the app SnapChat. For those that aren't, it is where you send people pictures but they can't be saved. Anyway, my friend mentioned above and the subject of this thread likes sending them out so I get a lot of them from him, but he is one of those people that sends them to every person in his contacts. Anyway, I reached the point where the constant reminders of what he is doing without me and how much he is actually gone from my life just completely broke me. It was a picture of him and a couple of friends captioned "best buddies." I just burst into tears. He is gone, and I am utterly destroyed. I had to block him from the app, something I just can't fathom because it has come to that. I am such an emotional piece of shit that I just couldn't take it. This relationship with this friend has completely wrecked me. I understand the sayings "it is just one person" but this person represents a huge part of life and a huge time in my life, college and my fraternity. I can't even bring myself to go to homecoming anymore or hang out with most of the people from college because all it does is remind me of him. I don't understand how a friend, someone who frequently referred to me as their best friend can just abandon me like this. Who knew how I felt and just left me like a piece of trash. I can't explain how many times I told him how upset I was (though never explicitly said I had feelings for him, but you could derive that if you weren't a moron) and he just shrugged it off like some joke. I don't understand what I ever did to deserve this, to feel like this, to be completely destroyed be one person who was really a complete asshole to me. And the less he wants to talk about things, the more I feel like a complete psycho. I really can't just hang in there anymore. It has been two years + and I feel like I am at square one. I am completely lost in life. I have a ton of friends who all the sudden I look around and I just don't have anything in common with. I can't believe he is gone, I just can't believe it.
Hey, man. Those are some pretty extreme emotions you're dealing with. You almost sound suicidal, but I truly hope that is not the case. Things get easier with time, and you have no idea where you could be 10, hell even 2 years from today. It is not worth losing your sanity over. Please find some social thing to become part of. It doesn't matter if it's a sports team, church, a therapy group, a comic-book collecting club, or a respite back with family or friends. The way to recover from the death of a dog is to bring a new one into your life. Such is the way of getting over the loss of someone close to you. It actually honors the previous dog or special someone because it's the opportunity to share your love and goodness with others. Even though that may take time, investing your time into social situations will both serve as a distraction and as an opportunity. Good luck, bro.
Thanks for your response Chris. As a measure of reassurance, I would never hurt myself...I just can't believe he isn't in my life anymore...just can't believe it
I feel really bad about the situation. Honestly, you deserve someone who is capable of returning your love. It's difficult to move on, but please try not to lose sleep over him and focus your efforts on finding new love. Look towards the future instead of dwelling in the past. Easier said than done, I know You are young and have time on your side to find true love.
Thanks Arrow. I'm doing my best to try and heed everyone's advice. It seems like all the time I just keep coming back to it: I can't believe he is gone. I can't stop thinking: How long am I going to try to find some answers? Closure? Did I make this all up? Am I crazy? Why doesn't he even text me any more? Why wasn't I invited to his party? How come after a year of keeping in touch while apart he doesn't even care or want to see me any more? What did I do? What did I do to deserve this?
