Old fashioned father, transgirl daughter~

BE WARNED: The material ahead is extremely dark. May not be suitable for those who are more sensitive to others' feelings.

I mentioned this briefly in my introductory post, but never went in depth on how immediate fixing this problem really is.

For several years now, I've been having on and off suicidal thoughts regarding gender identity disorder. They haven't been going away, no, they've only gotten worse.And while they've never informed my actions, lately I've been fearful that I may need some sort of protection from myself.

Near the beginning of my Sophomore year, I told my mother about things. And she assures me that she has been trying to ease my father into letting me dress and speak how I need to. However, it has been nearly one year. I've had several sessions with professionals to stoke out the whole thing, but nothing has been working. All that's happened is momentary increases in my own happiness. My self worth has plummeted over the years. My relationship with my father has died, and possibly most importantly, these suicidal thoughts have started to get more serious, with me walking out to the kitchen once to see if I can't grab a knife.

I attempt to be a kind, polite person, but lately I've felt my willpower slipping. Days where I feel like waking up is a waste of time have become more and more frequent. Last year, I ended up skipping far too much school because of this, and my grades have been plummeting. One of the few people that gave me some measure of self confidence, my boyfriend, is now my ex-boyfriend. I've reached a point where I absolutely MUST take complete control of the situation immediately; anything less, and I fear my very life may be at risk.

I know that these feelings of self loathing are somewhat unfounded. People call me the warmest members of communities I stay in for too long. People say that I'm one of the more optimistic people they know, if a little quiet and distant.

I guess that what I'm saying here is that by now, it is a moral and psychological objective - nay, imperative - that my father if nothing more understands the gravity of what he's done by restricting my ability to be who I am, if for no other reason then so that he knows why I've always had this self loathing, and why I would rather not have been born.

I don't hate my father for what he's done, despite the fact that I probably should. At worst, I am frustrated with his inability to comprehend the situation, and possibly my mothers' inability to tell him what's wrong.

I love both of my parents dearly. They have been, given their pasts and their lives, some of the best people out there. But it hasn't been enough. And I'm too shy to break it to them. To tell them that despite how wonderful people they've been to both me and my brother that I'm just this demanding little bitch who's asking for more. But at this point, that's what I have to be.

I'm not asking for people to tell me that I undervalue myself, and that I shouldn't do it. I've known that for a long time; why do you think I'm here typing this? But that can only hold a person for so long, and my entire identity is crumbling under my feet. When I talk to someone, I hardly know whether it's me talking anymore, or just the pathetic illusion of normalcy that I put up to fool others.

What I'm asking for is encouragement. I'm asking for a way to get the courage to tell them both how I feel; not just my mother, and not just my father. Both of them at once. I need the courage to go into what may possibly be the most heated argument I ever have or ever will experience, as I'm sure my parents will not take the statement that I want to kill myself well.

In short, here I am, a total stranger. Asking for some guidance. Some help. Some sort of courage to be imparted onto me. I'm out to both of them, but I want both of them to comprehend what it really means.

I know I'm new here. And I'm pretty sure this post at least breaks at least 20 or so rules. But at this point, I don't care. I just want the will to live.

So please... can any of you help?

 

Is this colour any better?

I always like to try and type in a specific colour when on forums. It helps me feel somewhat distinguished, like I have more of my own 'style' to me.

As for my earlier post here, you should be able to read it if you highlight the text in your browser. Sorry about all that, really! I can't edit my posts, so there isn't much I can do about it, but highlighting should make it more than readable.

Rustee, I've really thought about that. I'm certain that adolescence is in some way involved(even moreso for someone who's trans) with how I feel regarding this situation.

None the less, the fact that adolescence has made the situation worse, in my opinion, doesn't mean it should be brushed under the rug. Rather, I would think that such a fact would make it more imminent, due to the fact that it's much worse than it'd be otherwise.

To Yelena, it's not that I think nobody would care or anything like that. I know many people for whom I'm absolutely certain would be devastated. The guy I'm crushing on would probably see issue with it, since we know each other quite well, I'm pretty sure both of my exes would be upset, because they still care about me greatly. This is without even getting into family and friends, school, the list goes on.

It's not that I feel like nobody would care. It's more along the lines of "what's the point of being alive if you can't be happy with yourself?"

And you are correct that I need to tell my parents about this. That's what I'm trying to do here, is make sure that they know exactly how I feel, specifically my father. I just don't have the courage to tell them. I remember when I tried to tell my mom I was trans, I completely locked up, and wasn't able to say anything other than vague hints. Eventually, I just typed it all down and gave her the file.

Perhaps that's how I should talk to them now, even, via typing. It'll make things easier, but by no means is it going to be easy in general, since I will have to give real time solid responses to some questions.