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A couple of situations at work - opinions sought

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tightrope, Aug 7, 2013.

  1. Tightrope

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    Here are two situations I found perplexing. As I've discussed before, I had an employer, for about 3 years, where the situation was very stressful. The culture was overly heteronormative, for men anyway, and I didn't know it was that bad during the interviewing process. It sort of later unfolded. Too bad because I liked the work. On to the two situations there:

    1. There was a man a couple of years younger than me I'd have lunch with often. He was married and a had a couple of younger kids. He was married to a woman who was a sexual abuse survivor. He was not a beat-the-chest alpha type, so we talked about work, life, and all sorts of things. I suspect that his wife's sexual needs were less than typical, whatever that might be. When San Francisco first allowed same-sex marriage under ex-mayor Gavin Newsom and it hit the news, he made a random comment to me: "Well, I guess I can now move to San Francisco and marry my gay lover." I kept a poker face. Incidentally, the top guys in this organization did not like him, despite the fact that he was a very good employee.

    Q: Why would this coworker make this comment?

    2. Same employer. We had to do some work with another company. The chief guy was a real mow-you-down-for-sport son of a bitch. Some feared him and many who dealt with him, and that company, loathed him. There was a time when I was having to deal with this guy a lot. I held my own. The head of our company, who was a lunch buddy of this guy, didn't care for me. I'm sure he told this guy, in his weasel-y voice, "heee's not marrrrried," referring to me. One day, I needed to get some documents from them. I was ready to go over there, about 1 or 2 miles away. Or I could have sent someone. Or they could have sent someone. He said "No, I'm going to send my wife over with the documents. She works nearby." That means his wife had to take time from her job. The wife arrived and she was attractive, and what anybody would notice is that she was wearing a tight turtle neck sweater that revealed the contour of boobs that would have been suitable for a plastic surgeon's ad. It's almost as if she had been coached on what to wear that day.

    Q: Why did this guy send his wife to talk to me, when there so many other ways to get these documents, either by our company or his?
     
  2. AKTodd

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    In the first case, he could have simply been trying to be funny or facetious. It's very hard to say without stuff like body language, voice tone, and maybe knowing him. It's also possible that he was gay and closeted, or had some sort of 'understanding' with his wife. But there's no way to be sure. I kind of get the sense you're sort of asking about the second possibility more than anything else.

    In the second case, it could be any number of reasons, but it sounds like you think/suspect they were trying to 'test' you to see if you would react like they thought a straight guy would. Which is one of the possible reasons. Again, however, there's really no way to tell for sure one way or the other.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  3. ryanalexander61

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    It seems like you may be reading into both situations too much. There is too many reasons for either situation but my take on the first was just trying to be funny or sarcastic and the second, I don't know wouldn't the wife already have had the documents and thus no other way to get them to you? I don't know seems in today's day and age you could just as likely be married and divorced then gay so I don't think they would be testing you so to speak. but again, there is really no way to be sure.
     
  4. Tightrope

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    AKT:

    Thanks for responding. I'm on board with you for the first one and less so for the second one. Yes, I think that, since he married so young, he may have gone into it the way many others do when they're on a tight schedule, and then find out later that he either liked guys, or liked both. As for the 'understanding,' I know her on an acquaintance level. She seems nice, but they seem a little like roommates, too. I think that her previous negative childhood experiences color her view of intimacy and that her requirements are minimal, so he isn't pushed to provide a lot in that department. I could be wrong.

    For the second one, I think the guy from the other company whose wife was sent over is so over the top in being aggressive and nasty that he kind of wanted to show her off, as in look at what I've got. But why would he do that? And why would I care about his wife? A reaction would have been imprudent and I had a history of keeping my distance from others and keeping it all business. I just took the paperwork and thanked her, with no reaction. In a way, this guy kind of takes me to thinking about the ex-Marine living in the neighborhood with Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening in "American Beauty." His masculinity is almost too exaggerated. And I could be wrong on this one, too, but there was definitely an element of showing off his wife.

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2013 at 07:56 PM ----------

    No, on the bold, because the wife was in a completely different company and a different type of work, and had to go over to the office to pick them up. There were at least 3 alternatives to getting this paperwork that was a couple of miles away without involving his wife.
     
  5. ryanalexander61

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    So he has a trophy wife who he wanted to get involved, and he wanted to show her off either to you or your whole office since your company had a working relationship with him. Seems like it has nothing to do with you personally and more trying to feed his ego.
     
  6. Tightrope

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    He runs a tight ship at his office, so I think he controls her, too. I don't think this is one of those situations where you have a barracuda at the office and a doormat at home. Not at all.