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how do I know if I'm in love with an unhealthy relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Toneth, Aug 8, 2013.

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  1. Toneth

    Toneth
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    so my ex and I have gone back and forth for the better part of two years, it gets a little better every time, but we always end up breaking up, once because I moved, another time because he wanted to be with someone else who he saw while I was living out of state, (we got back together when i moved back, and he decided that was a mistake) once because of a big argument.
    maybe I expect too much from him when it comes to maturity, maybe we're just really different people, maybe he just sees me off and on because I'm hung better than the other guys he's dated, or because I can cook for all his friends if they come over on a whim. idk

    I know we have undeniable chemistry, and really enjoy each others company, and we click well sexually, and we're comfortable around each other physically. but emotionally neither of us is really good at communicating, I stuff it all down, he clams up and explodes later, neither is very healthy, I know that much. sometimes I think he's selfish, sometimes he things I'm controlling.
    but on the other hand of things, I really do love him, months later and its all still there, our initial fire, that initial lust, turned into a more subdued chemistry a long time ago, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not. the tension between us is always palpable when we're in the same room, its clear we care about each other, and are deeply attracted to each other, but on the other hand, it just never seems to work out. I'm lost, any advice would help.
     
    #1 Toneth, Aug 8, 2013
  2. myheartincheck

    myheartincheck
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    True love is being best friends with the one you're with.
    The romance is only an added bonus.
    Does that describe you guys?
    If not, how can you change it?
     
    #2 myheartincheck, Aug 8, 2013
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    You know, every gay relationship I know of that's been successful in the longer term has required a lot of constant work, openness, and vulnerability on both sides.

    So I'd say the big question is, are you both willing to do the work? It means that you have to actively learn not stuff it down, and he has to also learn to communicate about his resentments at the time, not building it up. It also means really learning to communicate, which involves deep listening AND communicating understanding of each other's concerns back to each other.

    If you're both committed to doing your self-work, then it sounds like the seeds for a long-term relationship can be there. But vulnerability is scary, and a lot of people -- particularly guys -- are deathly afraid of it. So I guess I'd start there, with a real conversation about it. Maybe watch "power of vulnerability" and "price of invulnerability" together (two of Brené Brown's TED talks) and see what it brings up for the two of you.
     
    #3 Chip, Aug 8, 2013
  4. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    As you may or not have read some of my posts earlier this year, Mike and I had some serious differences which led me to break it off with him. Lucky for me he loves me and did not let me go. I am not sure the dynamics of your relationship as ours I am a Trans-woman and he is a Straight man. I know that sounds impossible if not puzzling, but there it is.

    We think differently, as he with any of his ex-GFs or ex-wife did and do. When he wanted a second chance, he insisted on a marriage councilor. Best damn thing I have ever had happen in a relationship! Once I saw what he did through his eyes it actually made sense to me (I still will never accept that) and what feelings he has shown have shocked me! I would have never guessed he loves me that deeply because as a typical man (and mine is pure country redneck) he can't admit or show emotion in fear of looking weak and forget talking about it! Which leaves the female end (Me) to wonder does he care? Is he just using me? and many other thoughts swirling in my head each day some good some bad.

    In session all sorts of things come out and if you want it to work like we do, you see so clearly the other's point of view and compromise with one-another as well as begin to understand who you are really coupled with. I have never understood men, I can easily predict their reactions and such, and know what to do to please one, but I just don't think like him. I am multi-tasking all day keeping our world running smoothly, while he hits one problem and gets mad and throws it over the fence and pouts about it as I swoop in, fix it, and save his day as I am doing 3 other things. We just operate that different! Which leads to problems relating to each other. The odd part is I was willing to throw him away and miss out on the best man of my life because I had no idea what he really felt inside and I would have never guessed it in a million years. So my suggestion is to seek professional help and you may end up like us, closer than ever! Good Luck! June
     
    #4 June Cleaver, Aug 8, 2013
  5. Estragon84

    Estragon84
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    I second Chip...

    The 2 serious relationships I've had in the past with guys were very unhealthy, but I didn't see this at the time. In synthesis, Brené Brown's TED Talks and Book (I know she has several, but I've only read Daring Greatly) made me aware of many, many things. Maybe rather than focusing on the relationship, just focus on you and making yourself "better". Learning to be vulnerable is easily one of the best things you can do for yourself... it's a long and complicated process, but what you learn about people and about yourself is astonishing. (I'm still in the process). It also helps to answer questions like the one you (original poster) asked.

    My first relationship lasted almost 5 years... and it was unhealthy, and I knew it then. But we kept trying and the more time passed, the guiltier I felt about leaving a relationship with so much history and so much chemistry... but looking back at it now, I'm glad I left it eventually.

    Hope this helps!
     
    #5 Estragon84, Aug 8, 2013
  6. Pat

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    Sounds like you knew the answer while you were creating the post. Sometimes it's difficult, but we can't ignore the signs that someone is not suitable for us. Chemistry doesn't mean you're meant to be. It's nice to have, but that doesn't lead to longevity. I think it's time to call it quits all together.
     
    #6 Pat, Aug 8, 2013
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