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S. O. S.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Eeyore01, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. Eeyore01

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    Hi,

    I need some help. I apologize in advance for this being a long post; it's just a letter I recently wrote back to one of my (completely straight) closest friends. I've posted this because I don't really feel comfortable talking about myself in this setting - it just feels so wrong to be sharing these details of my life with total strangers. Some general things you probably need to know about me is that I'm halfway through med school (where somehow, despite my reflections below, I'm actually doing very well), I've never had any type of intimate relationship where I felt happy/comfortable, and I've had some limited dating experience with other guys which just left me feeling not too great about myself. I'm just sitting here alone tonight and feel very scared. Not much to lose, so here goes..
    ---
    "Hey, thanks so much man. I just read your message through three times. I appreciated all the thought behind what you wrote, and know it's sound advice. I think I'm struggling with some things that seem to get in the way of having a lot of continuity in my social life. And yes, sometimes I do look at things from a negative perspective and withdraw from some situations because of this. My mind might jump too quickly to these thoughts because of negative outcomes I've had in the past (family, which I've yet to really resolve, as well as being ignored/rejected by guys I like). Seems like the only way forward is to keep stumbling and put on a more confident facade about it.

    One problem I have is that when things go wrong, I have moments of true lucidity about how on my own I am. I weigh loosing my family's trust/pride/support (the last of these has pretty real implications for me) against the potential for being happy and comfortable in my skin. When I strike out at dating, I try to pretend that nothing ever happened and that none of these problems really exist. But my mind doesn't forget..I feel frustrated, empty, and very down and often I can't even explain to myself why. When I sometimes struggle to hide these feelings and appear this way to people who don't know me well (and exceedingly few do), I feel that I am perceived as an entitled and egocentric person who doesn't understand anything about life. And the possibility exists that I don't. But when people see I'm really down they prob think I'm upset about school or just can't solve some ordinary problems, and question my motives for being here [med school]. Or they view my angst and awkwardness as 'otherness' or immaturity and come to the conclusion that I am deeply flawed as a person. No attending would give somebody they have such an opinion of good marks, right? But aside from the present issue of evals, my entire state of functioning has been slipping downhill since college. I've had a poor general mood and trouble sleeping for so long that I can't remember. So most of my days are spent trapped in anxiety and sorrow or just half awake. I've looked for help at university counseling twice since starting med school, but really don't like or trust the place (the counselor yawned while I was trying to explain what I was upset about the first time I met her, and the questions she asks show that she never reviews her notes), so both times I stopped going after two or three sessions. I've stopped turning to my Mom for help ever since in college I told her I was very unhappy and having feelings of wanting to end my life and in return got lectured about how when she was my age she was working all the time and just dreamed of earning a better place in the world (again w the ungrateful/entitled thread). And I still remember how badly things went when I told her most of my feelings are for other guys (I am not gay, I am doing this because I hate her and my dad, I was probably abused by somebody when I was a kid though I can't remember, that if I told this to my dad he would stop supporting me through school). And yeah, weighed against totally fucking up med school and loosing the support of my family, finding a relationship seems totally unimportant. But I feel perpetually exhausted because I have nightmares in which something is trying to hurt me and people familiar to me won't help me, and the only way I can fall asleep is to imagine that some guy I'm crushing on is holding me (reading that sentence back made me pretty uncomfortable, and i apologize if it does you too). But then I do realize I'm alone and have all these racing thoughts I can't even remember the next day and just lie there awake. At school my brain has been working in emergency mode for so long that i'm sometimes in awe of how so many people manage to become doctors. And it blows my mind how simple most people's judgments are of others and how quick they are to actually believe explanations they pulled from the sky about what they don't understand.

    When I think about off-ing myself, I think about all the people who would have a terrible opinion of me forever and how much I'd hurt my family. And I'm actually amazed how 'normal' people just don't think at all about wanting it to end...I guess the thoughts just don't really present themselves in their heads. I still have had some really bad days/nights, particularly the few weeks before and after the boards. But I understand that these are just feelings and feelings just dissipate if you let them. And the question 'why not off myself tomorrow instead of today?' is one to which I have no rebuttal and prob won't ever have in my present state before God actually takes me some legit way.

    At least I can indeed say that i have achieved beyond what any reasonable people (even my parents) could have ever expected me to achieve. I don't feel proud about this; rather, I don't know how to understand the significance of this in the context of my life. And if there's anything I could ask of you, it would be please not to dismiss what I've shared with you because I have been able to accomplish what many people seem to believe would bring them satisfaction and happiness.

    Dammit man, I'm so tired and even now part of me is telling me that by writing all this I've gone off my head. You need to focus and don't have to write back or say anything to me this week. Or perhaps ever if that's what would make you most comfortable. I'm sorry I've taken so much of your time. Let me know if you want to hang out sometime during your weekend off. Or if you don't, I'll completely understand."
    ---
    If you've actually managed to slog through that entire sad post, you have my deepest gratitude. I just can't keep going like this. I need to find a way out.
     
  2. ryanalexander61

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    My friend,

    I for one know that graduate school (I am a law student) can add a tremendous amount of stress to a "normal" person, let alone what you are dealing with. It is very hard.

    I really, really strongly suggest seeing a therapist (whether again, or a different one). You have to stick through it, because even just talking to someone who may not be able to give all the answers only helps. I have seen one for the past year, and I know that it wasn't a magic pill and solve all my problems NOBODY wants you to do anything to hurt yourself. Taking your own life is the easy way out, and will only hurt everyone around you.

    Just hang in there, and things will get better. Everyone is here for you.
     
  3. confused1234

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    I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but that is a lot of stuff to dump on any one person, even your closest friend. I have no emotional investment in your life whatsoever, and even I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't imagine your friend's reaction to this letter. I do think some context would help though. What were the previous letters in this conversation about?

    Advice: I'm not even sure where to start. You're on EC, so you're obviously at least questioning your sexuality. But I wasn't able to ascertain much more information from your letter than that. We really need more info. Don't be afraid to open up to strangers. Sometimes they can provide the best advice. Like ryan said above, hang in there. Things will get better.
     
  4. Eeyore01

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks so much for those words of support. I really appreciate the time you took to post your thoughtful replies. I've tried to give some more information about myself below in hopes of being helpful to those who are kind enough to offer advice:

    So just looking through some of the other posts on this site, I'm kind of amazed at how many younger people understand themselves well enough to define their sexual identity. When I was in h.s., my truest feelings were definitely for other guys. I'm from a small town in the South, though, so I just pushed these feelings out of my head. I did this by focusing on my studies (which I genuinely found interesting), trying to make my mind go blank when I realized I was having feelings I was afraid of, and even somehow convincing myself I was fantasizing about girls when really the opposite was true. I know this doesn't sound admirable to anybody on this site, but looking back I did what I really had to in order to survive h.s. and gain admission to a great university program. Once I went away to college (in a large, liberal-leaning city), I realized that I was less developed as a person (if that makes any sense) than many of my peers. I also began to feel very sad most of the time, I didn't have a lot of time to devote to this problem because of my course load, and my raw feelings led me into complicated friendships (@ryanalexander: right there with you) that left me feeling confused, embarrassed, and unwanted.

    This is what finally what spurred me (about two years ago) to try to own who I am. At first, I was really hopeful and excited about this because when Jake Shears says "it gets better", you really want to believe it. :slight_smile: But things went badly with my family, per my first post, and suddenly I found myself in med school without having solved any of these problems. I've had some limited dating experience since then with guys which hasn't gone well (still haven't had an intimate experience w another guy), partly because I felt like I couldn't keep on top of my studies while taking on this stuff. I have tried to tell my family I need somebody to talk to, but whenever I broach the subject my parents seem to just shut down. When I've pressed the issue, I'm told that I should come home and get a menial job somewhere if I don't think I can handle the responsibilities of my program. There's no way I'm coming home from the big city with my tail between my legs, though, so I'm trying to push forward and figure something out.

    So right now I'm taking a stint in a lab, have succeeded on the first part of my boards, and have some room to breathe. I know that working on these personal challenges needs to be a priority for me. But I don't know where or how to get started, and am asking for advice about this. I also don't know how to deal with my parents or how to find help (since doing so will probably mean involving them). @confused1234: what my friend and I were talking about before my long reply was just about how bad our dating lives have been since starting med school. :slight_smile: while at least dating seems natural for him, I haven't even gotten to that point yet. I even once approached one of my "out" classmates for help, but he declined to become my friend just because he was so busy with med school and his life and didn't see both of us being gay as enough of a bond. I was really hurt by this, and I thought his choice was brutal and superficial. This left me unsure of both my own feelings, the motivations and personal characteristics I ascribe to my peers, and any sort of attachment I felt to the gay community.

    I understand that many people in the world, many less fortunate than me, sacrifice important parts of their lives in order to succeed. I apologize if I have given the impression that I am a self-sorry person whose life is something of a shit show, because this is rather far from the truth. I am just reaching for something better in my life because I feel that I need to stand on more solid ground in order to become the accomplished, well-adjusted man I aspire to be. Maybe posting here is helping because I do feel a bit more clear-headed than I did last night. If there are any specific questions you have, please ask. I will answer as well as I can. Thanks so much again.
     
  5. resu

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    Honestly, I think you have figured out a lot already just by writing such a thoughtful and enlightening post. Since you're at a university, have you tried contacting the school counseling center?
     
  6. Eeyore01

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    @resu: thanks. yeah, i think i mentioned that i've tried this before. i just feel that i need more support than the university counseling service is able to offer me.
    1. the university service offers a very limited number of sessions
    2. if i'm really going to subject myself to this sort of thing, i'd need to feel highly confident in the person i'm speaking to
    3. i don't know how i can go outside the system without leading to a confrontation with my parents, which could have big financial implications for me.

    for those of you who are out there:
    so...do i suck it up, deal with how bad i'm feeling, and try to actually start living my life? (in this moment i'm partial to this one). or do i try to push forward to graduation, hope my depression doesn't cause me to have a really bad day and fuck up, and just pray i can put my life back together after it's over? i guess in either case, my relationship with my family is going down the drain at some point.

    help??