OK so I am not out to any of my family at all.. Today was my birthday, and I went to spend some time with my mum.. She said to me after our time out before I left "I'm not going to die until you get a wife and give me some grandkids". She's always going on about it, but this was like.. more than just an offhand comment or joke. Made me feel sad... I really think she'd be devastated to know that's never going to happen.
Lol. She'll get over it. Are you an only child? You can't really gage people's true feelings about things until the situation hits home for them. You can have the most bigoted family ever and there's a chance they still might say, "Well, shit. I love you anyway" That's the beauty of having kids. You have all the ideas for them, you have all these hopes, and at the end of the day, none of it really matters because the child grows up and lives their life the way they want to. The only thing your Mom will care about in the long run is whether or not she's proud of you. And you being gay won't diminish that. So.. yeah. I don't know how close you guys are, but I would totally recommend bringing that up when you come out. Like, "You know how you said you didn't want to die before I was married to a woman, well.. I don't think that's going to happen" or something along those lines.. you can have kids though, if that's what you want. Parents are certainly a motivating factor when considering having kids, but ultimately it's going to be up to you. We can't let these instances shove us further back into the closet because the person speaking doesn't know that a person they love is gay. What will hurt her more than anything (if she's a good mom) is the fact that you felt like you couldn't share it with her.
If you were engaged you could tell her that your fiance wants you to tell her that she's going to be immortal because he doesn't believe in polygamy or divorce. lol. Honestly you can still give her biological grandchildren. Look at Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, they each have a biological child through surrogacy.
That's a really tough one to get past. I come from a very large extended family (my mom was one of 9, and there are 32 of us grandkids on that side of the family, although calling us "kids" is something of a stretch these days). Plus I am the oldest grandchild AND the oldest child. Kids and grandkids wasn't so much a demand as a given--that was what EVERYONE did, and it really colored all of my expectations about relationships because I couldn't imagine not producing a next generation. My attraction to guys frightened me because I didn't know how to deal with it, but that assumption, both by my family and drilled into my brain since childhood, that I would get married and have kids, was really one of the main factors that kept me from coming out when I should have done it. Assuming you don't want to come out to her/them at this point, I'd almost think that the best way would be to keep it light for the time being. When she says she's "not going to die until you get married", you might reply, "Well good news, Mom--you're probably going to live forever!" Find gentle ways to reset her expectations. It doesn't even have to involve coming out to her. You could point out that lots of (straight) people defer having kids until much later in life, late 30's or even 40's. You can tell her that you have a lot that you want to do before you settle down with "anyone" (I became a master at avoiding specific gender terms back in the days when I was flirting with the notion of coming out to my mom). Or that you don't want kids until you don't feel like one yourself, which might never happen! Or just say that marriage and kids aren't on your radar right now, and change the subject. Something to remember is that the whole marriage/kids subject is really a lot more sensitive to you than it is to her--a lot of parents have that script pretty much programmed into their heads and spit it out without even thinking about it. I know my mom did. God knows it raised my blood pressure and triggered a lot of "fight or flight" responses. What will help you is doing your best to shut it off and put it in the same spot in your mind as the many other things you learned to ignore over the years, and having had both strong-willed parents AND strong-willed kids, I know that is possible! One more thing--although the wife/kids speech is something that she dumps on you very regularly, it doesn't necessarily mean she is completely clueless about you being gay. She may be giving you that routine to convince HERSELF that it will happen some day, or even on some unconscious level, she may actually be ASKING you for a clue. My mom pushed marriage and kids all the time when I was in my early 20's (she died unexpectedly when I was 24), but thinking back on several conversations we had with the eyes of an adult, I think she suspected I was gay all along and was trying, in her own way, to get me to say something. The hardest part is not letting it get to you. She may surprise you in the end.
My parents still expect me to have kids too, they bring it up almost as often as when I am going to find a wife... but we both know neither of those things are ever going to happen... :dry:
