Bear with me here because this might be a long story lol. In a nutshell, the first time I can remember having same-sex attractions was in middle school. And when I started hitting puberty I would only get sexually aroused by guys. As I went through high school though, I just kind of ignored these feelings and continued having "crushes" on girls. Fast forward a few years... in college I finally started to realize that okay, I'm only turned on by guys and have very little interest in actually dating women, so I pretty much came out to myself and a few close friends at school that I was gay. One year, though, during one of my breaks from school and while I was home, I was having a really tough time because I wanted to tell my family so bad but I was so afraid of their reaction. They noticed something was up and, after asking a bunch of questions about what could be wrong (are you sick, are you failing, etc.) - which I said no to all of those - they finally asked me if I was questioning my sexuality, and I didn't say anything, and that's when they guessed. It didn't go the way I had hoped though, because even though they didn't seem upset, they were more confused because they said they remember me talking about all the crushes I had on girls growing up. And they also brought up the fact that I had never officially had a girlfriend, so how could I possibly know I was gay? I made a huge mistake that day by telling them I was more confused than anything, and there was still a chance I could be with a girl, because I was so terrified of what they'd think of me if I just flat out told them I was gay. So basically, ever since that conversation, they have clung on to the hope of me finding a girl I was attracted to, and for a while I started to even convince myself I might still be attracted to women, but now I've finally realized that yes, I am gay. And I've now told my parents that there is no question anymore for me, but they say they're still having a really tough time accepting that because I've never been with a girl and I had told them I was still confused. Ugh, what should I do? I feel really good that I've finally come to terms with definitely being gay, but I would feel infinitely better if my family could just accept it to and not have a problem with it. But now I just feel like they'll always have this feeling in their head that "well I don't understand how he can be gay because he's never had a girlfriend" :bang:
you can tell them that they can't be sure they are straight if they were not with the same gender... Sorry, couldn't resist. They saw your future pretty clearly. Big white wedding perhaps and kids. Now they need some time to come up with some new goals for you Give them time. If they won't accept the fact, you will need to accept that you family is not as great as you need them to be. Which sucks
I've not advocating lying, but you could say that you've tried to be with a woman recently, and now you're sure that there's nothing there. Hence you are 100% positive that you are gay If this isn't really your thing, just let them come around to the idea that you're not gonna get married and have children. It's a big thing, so they need to wrap their heads around it.
You should tell them it is not right for you to pretend you have interest in a girl just to prove you are gay. Or, you could introduce your boyfriend, if/when you get one. While some people can have relationships without sexual attraction, that is normally a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. Also, don't say you're not going to get married or have children. That would make them even more upset. Gay people can still do both (not everywhere, but still some places).
You could always ask them if they had ever gone all the way with someone of the same sex, and if they say no then you could justify you being gay without dating a woman by saying "Well if you've never been with someone of the same sex and you KNOW you're straight, then why do I have to try and be with someone of the opposite sex to know I'm gay?"
Thanks for the advice guys. I had another long discussion with my mom about this, and it didn't seem to really help anything. Basically I was trying to explain to her that all along I have only been attracted to men, but was trying to force myself into liking women as well. It didn't work, and I realized that dating a woman would just be unhealthy and unfair for both me and her, but my family doesn't really seem to understand that. My mom was telling me how she was reading this website (a Christian one, I might add) that had an article written by a guy who has felt strong same-sex attractions his whole life, but is in a happy healthy marriage with a woman and has three kids. So basically she believes this can be possible for anyone, including me, and that I should consider doing this. She was also saying how she and my sister were one day watching a soap opera at around 1pm which featured a scene with two guys kissing. Apparently my sister was disgusted by this and was thinking about how her 2-year-old daughter could have been watching that, and how would she explain that to her. That really upset me because I've always been close with my sister but to hear that that's how she feels about gay people, it hurt a lot. One of the biggest struggles my mom seems to be having is the thought of all the prejudice towards gays. I tried to explain to her that times are changing and the world as a whole is becoming much more accepting, and things aren't the way they were when she was growing up. I tried to compare the situation to the 50's and 60's when black people were treated horribly... she then proceeded to say "Well people don't choose to be black!" which was like the nail in the coffin for me. So basically my family believes that this is something I chose. I feel like I've completely hit a wall here, and it's so difficult for me to handle. My family doesn't really seem to realize that this is something I have struggled with for literally the last 10 years of my life, and now I have finally come to accept who I am and they seem to be giving me no support whatsoever. They've been trying to tell me that this is hard for them too, and they're going through a "grieving process" because the dreams and hopes they once had for me are now gone. They say they need time to deal with this and that they will come around eventually, but I have a very strong feeling they won't. I don't think I would ever feel comfortable bringing a guy home for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I had brought this up to my mom, and she said something about how I could maybe bring a guy home to meet them (just my parents/sister, not my extended family or anything) but that I better not insist on cuddling with him or showing any affection towards him while I'm around them. As much as I love my family, at this point I almost feel like I have to start distancing myself from them now. I just don't know what else to do. I feel at this point, being with a guy is what's going to make me happy, and if my family can't accept that, then I'm not going to make myself unhappy just to please them. Sorry for the super long rant lol, I just needed to get this out.
It looks like you might have a long hard road ahead of you when it comes to your family. Just stick to your guns man, that's all you can do. If you want to have a relationship with your family and want for them to be involved in your life then just do what you can and what they will allow you to. Find out what their limits are and then walk right up to that line. If they will allow you to have a boyfriend over to meet them, then do that. But don't push to hard or they might push back. All you can do is try and however they react is up to them. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Your family may never fully accept your sexuality. Just keep in mind that it isn't your fault, you haven't done anything wrong. I'll be praying for ya and for your family to turn around for you : )
You said it yourself, there is grieving going on, and it's something they have never personally experienced before. You've had 10 years...they've had much less time to deal with this. You are right to stand your ground, you can't be expected to live up to their expectations. Just know that you will be the stronger person for standing your ground, despite the challenges that you face. Seek help from what the PFLAG website has to offer. The worse thing you can do is stop talking about it, and she gave you an opening: you can bring home a boyfriend! Do not hesitate to make that happen when it can; it makes this all the more real for them.
I feel for you. My family have known I'm gay for while now, but there was a period back years ago where I had a girlfriend. I knew I was gay at the time but I wanted to be accepted by my peers so I just said "Yeah, I'll date you." It only lasted for a month, but my family hangs onto that month and still hopes that I'll "wake up" and get another girlfriend. It's not going to happen, and I've made that very clear, but they still cling to that month like moths to a flame. Sigh. These days, I just make it clear about who I am. If anything comes up like "Isn't she hot?" or "Wouldn't you like a girlfriend/wife one day?" I tell them "No, I'm gay." and I keep it up until they get the point. Lord knows when I bring my future boyfriend home one day...:eek: hahahah. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. They just need to get used to it in my opinion.
wow this whole "hoping he's straight" thing reminds me of my situation. i revealed to my parents that i have had some attraction to females, but it was delusional, fake, misdirected, short-lived etc. from that they assume that there's a chance i am able to suppress being gay, while there's a chance for everything, they think there's a reasonable chance - which there is so not! a sincere (*hug*) ^ i had a talk like that. i tell them i just know, then i ask them, "how do you know what you know?" - and they cannot answer! try it ^ my dad used the example how if he was attracted to another woman he wouldn't act on it, therefore i shouldn't act on my attraction to an entire sex...he fails to see how different it is. ^ i've had family do this. it's important i believe to occasionally move away from personal discussion to more general ones like the one you described. my parents also fear the general consensus toward gays, but fail to see there are societies that are more than accepting of LGBT individuals. ^^^^^^^^^^ my exact thoughts for myself. this is so much like me.
Thanks so much for the support guys. I really appreciate it. My family basically keeps saying that I need to be more understanding of their feelings and that this is hard for them, because I've gotten angry with them more than a few times during our discussions. They just don't seem to see it from my perspective very well though either - I've been struggling with this for 10 years and now I finally accept that I'm gay, and to have this reaction from my family is not at all what I had hoped for after finally winning a 10-year battle with myself. I guess I just feel like family should be your biggest support system no matter what, but so far, out of everyone I have come out to, the most negative reaction has come from my family. I've told dozens of friends of mine and not a single one of them has cared. It's sad though because a lot of families out there are like this. It's just a shame to me. But I guess I'll have to deal with it for now and hope that one day they come around and can be okay with this. I'm not counting on it, but I can at least hope.
I remember there was a story like this on EC (or somewhere else?). The parents were just like yours - not being supportive, not wanting him to bring anyone home and making (unintentionally) offensive comments, but after a while they came round to it and actually welcomed the boyfriend and treated him as family... So there is definitely hope for you. Try not to get upset so much and explain to them in a calm fashion. They may be more willing to learn than you think, just don't expect them to find the right material.
First of all, you are amazingly brave. I applaud you. It seems that, due to your mention of your mother being comfortable with you bringing a guy home, she's probably someone you can go to. Start with explaining your entire situation to her, and saying that, yes, you are gay, and that you were honestly scared of their reactions to you not being attracted to the opposite sex, causing your mentions of questioning. I feel as though she'd be the most understanding of all of the family members you've described. This might be treading some rough waters, but also say that there really is no proven cure to 'turning people straight again'. It's merely caused by mental blockades and the placebo effect; sexuality is mostly genetic. If you stand by your words and remain confident, she could probably realize that what you're saying is right. After that, start coming out in baby steps: maybe talk to family members to learn why they are homophobic, and start to work them through their fears (I did this with my brother, who was once really homophobic. He's actually gotten to the point of being comfortable with my own sexuality and has several gay friends). I believe you can successfully come out to your family! Good luck, man.
This sort of situation is one of the reasons that I don't believe that the approach of telling parents that you're questioning or bisexual if you know you're gay is ever helpful in the long run. This is for two reasons. One is basic conditioning theory. If you behave in a certain way infrequently, and that creates a certain response in another person, and you then stop behaving that way in the hopes of extinguishing the response, it will take a very long time to extinguish, simply because the original behavior was infrequent. So in your case, if you say "Well, I'm questioning, but I've been with girls and maybe I'll try again", you're basically conditioning them to believe that you can keep trying, and there's "still hope" from their perspective. And this belief can be hard to extinguish. The second reason why it causes problems is it simply delays the acceptance process, because there are stages to any loss (in this case, the loss of perception that you're straight.) The stages of loss are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and they can take anywhere from 5 minutes to a year or more to go through. So in the situation you're in, you've (until recently) given them plenty of fuel for their denial, and (until very recently) reason to still hold out hope you could be straight. The good news is, it seems like you've broken through their denial. The stuff about the Christian website is in the realm of "bargaining"... she's acknowledging that you're gay, but maybe you can change. And the comments from/about your sister are in the realm of anger; it isn't truly how she feels, but it is the anger in the loss processing. So I can say with a very high degree of confidence that yes, they *will* come around. Many parents say far worse things when the anger comes up, and it isn't until weeks or months later that they realize how wrong it was to say those things. Shame researcher Brené Brown recently spoke about this issue specifically with regard to LGBT people and pointed out exactly what you said: that LGBT people in particular have an even tougher time, because they often don't get the initial support from family that any other minority would experience. And that sucks. But the good news is, ultimately nearly all families come around, and yours is already showing signs that they're moving through the stages normally. In the meantime, you have EC and hopefully you have some real-world friends that can be there to help and support you. It's a courageous decision to address it head-on, and it takes a lot of vulnerability and willingness to walk into the fear, and you need to love and respect yourself for taking those steps. And eventually, your parents and family will do the same.
Thanks again everyone for the help. I think I might have been unclear in what I said regarding my mom though. The way she said it didn't necessarily sound like she was "okay" with the idea of me bringing a guy home - it was more like, if I DO end up bringing a guy home that I should be "respectful" to my family and not show any affection towards him. Which just fucking hurts. It hurts me that my family keeps saying they want me to be happy, yet they're so appalled and opposed to the thing that is going to make me happy. I mean I guess that's how a lot of families are when finding out their child is gay, but still. It hurts. This is all still kind of a new feeling for me - I've been very lucky in that every single other person I've come out to has been nothing but 100% accepting and cool with it. So to get this not-so-great reaction from my family is like a punch in the gut, especially at this point in my life when I finally feel happy and proud of who I am. I understand it's going to take my family some time to process it. But right now it's just really tough because now it seems like every time I'm around them, they treat me like some stranger. Oddly enough my mom is the one that seems to be treating me about the same as before, and she's the one I've had all these intense and emotional conversations with. But my dad and my sister - they've been acting like I'm a completely different person and that hurts.
hey I can really relate to your situation. I came out to my family the same way. I was feeling really depressed one day and they knew something was up and kept asking what was wrong until I broke down and told them. Even though they say they love me and accept me no matter what, they still seem pretty convinced that I'm straight and just confused, which is pretty insulting to me. I've been struggling with my sexuality for 20 years and now that I have finally figured who I am and accept it, my family thinks I'm crazy when I tell them. and then it's back to square one all over again, questioning my sexuality until I go through the same process of finding out I'm gay again which already sucked the first fucking time. all I want is for them to understand. it's soo difficult to get them to understand how I feel. how can I come out to anyone else if my own family doesn't get it? I know exactly how you feel. my family keeps saying that they just don't want to see me get hurt and that they want me to be happy. but being with a guy is what will make me happy and them not understanding that is what is hurting me. they make me even more paranoid about comming out to the rest of the world saying my grandparents will have a heart attack and that everyone will make fun of me as if I didn't already know that. anyways it's nice to hear from people that are going through the same thing. I hope everything works out with you.
Hey soulodolo, I completely relate to your story. The first time I discussed it with my family I was still feeling really vulnerable and still unsure. I wasn't really ready to come out to them but they knew something was up and they dragged it out of me. Looking back on this whole process that was definitely the biggest mistake I made, was telling them that night that I was just confused. Because now they've just been clinging to that thought for dear life in desperate hopes that I would one day find a woman and have a family, etc. And by the end of that night, instead of coming out of the closet (which I hadn't even intended on doing then anyway) I was pretty much forcefully shoved even further into it. I spent the next several years adamantly denying my same-sex attractions and I would only pursue women even though I had little to no interest. I really regret those few years of my life too, because the time I could've been spending exploring my newfound sexuality, I was instead just lying to myself and all the girls I went after. Definitely not healthy for me. So yeah, all these years now my family has just been assuming that as I got older I would be able to suppress my same-sex attractions and live a straight lifestyle. But I've been like a pressure cooker the last few years and now it's finally exploded, and I know now more certainly than ever before in my life that I'm gay and I'm okay with it now.
you shouldn't completely regret telling your family. as much as it sucks that they don't understand when you try explaining it to them, you shouldn't let them keep assuming that your suppressing your feelings. if you really want them to accept you, you should remind them every once in a while about what your going through. I know how it can be sometimes I wish i didn't tell them but when I do talk about it I feel a little better. Everytime I talk to my dad about it we end up arguing but I know that the more times I say it to him the more it's going to sink and and he will finally understand. I dont know how close you are with your family but I have a pretty good relationship with my dad especially after my mom passed. we think alike and pretty much have the same beleifs (except obviously sexuality) so I have to say that I feel lucky he hasn't disowned me. most fathers aren't that open minded and this is something I probably would have gone to my mom with first. Anyways what I'm getting at is that they are your family no matter what and you shouldn't feel terrible about telling them who you are even if it didnt go down exactly how you planned. maybe come up with something to say and sit them down and tell them the way you intended to and if they still don't get it you stop and try again another time. I know it's frustrating but I might be better than bottling it all up.
You're right, and thanks for the advice man. They still are my family and I consider myself lucky they didn't react in a worse way. I agree that the more I talk about it with them the more I think it will sink in for them.
