Im sure this issue must come up time and again, but I was just curious to see what other peoples thoughts were on it. Long story short, I started having feelings for this guy who I work with about a year ago, but since then, these feelings are just getting stronger and stronger. Right now, at this moment in time, I think I could say with quite some certainty that I love him. He is quite quiet and shy, seems very insecure from time to time, but he is the nicest guy you could ever meet. The only thing is, i just cant make head nor tail of his behaviour. I do not drop my guard with anyone really, and this is the thing - he started it. From when i first started working with him, he gradually started flirting with me, telling me I looked 'nice', telling me how strong I was, pet names - the whole shabang! Then he gradually amped it up, to where he was ruffling me hair, tugging playfully at my clothing and even, on one occasion, rubbing his foot against my leg, which even I thought was too far to be honest! However, to my knowledge, he has been in trouble with women, calling him a 'player', he sometimes backs off sharply when I flirt back, and he doesn't seem to go to great trouble to get in touch with me outside work. In fact, i believe he often makes excuses not to see me. Why would someone fel the need to keel away from someone they love, if at all they do? Yet he seems overwhelmed to see me in person and loves talking to me. He has even dropped hints whilst talking to me (and other people) that he knows I like him and also that he could possibly like me. My question is: why would a normal straigt guy, with a reputation for playing away from partners with other women openly flirt with another guy who he works with to the level he does? My own thoughts are that he is deeply insecure about how he feels, and is quite possibly in deep, deep denial of it. He will allow himself to let his true feelings 'run free' when he is completely relaxed and comfortable, but, when he has other things on his mind, his (what must be) hatred for his real self must be quashed. He gets angry with himself and feels the need to 'man up'. Anything that reminds him or accepts him for who he is, he tries to ignore. In short, he is scared. I want to know if you think I am correct, or very very wrong. I also need to know how I can help him and maybe even improve his life. I care about him and i actually feel sorry for him - it cant be nice for him. What do we think?
He is possibly Bi or Bi-curious, he sounds like he is scared to let go of his true feelings, he sounds very flirtatious, perhaps if you came out to him, it might change things, but only if you think he would be accepting
Based on your description of your interactions together, I tend to agree with your conclusion. Realizing that you may not be straight is very jarring for most people. Also he may be a "player" with women because he is trying to make himself straight or at least looking for what he believes a straight person feels with the opposite sex. I think the best way to help him is to start an open dialogue. Maybe talk about your own experiences with being gay and how you worked through it. I would be careful to make sure that he is open to having these discussions with you though. It is not a good idea to force it.
I think you have him sussed quite well . It could well be that he is a player in an attempt to try and find the one woman he finally finds attractive enough to settle down with so he can forget about all of his homosexual urges. He could be gay and in deep denial or bi-sexual and seems to find you very attractive. I would say roll with it for now and see what happens with it. I don't think he would appreciate you facing it head on if he is as uncomfortable as you have made him out to be. There was a time in school where I openly flirted with guy friends as people just assumed I must be straight and doing it for comic effect as they would always play along, which he might think is what is going on with you guys or what he thinks others perceive to be going on at least.
DB007 Stopped to post something here because there are some uncanny similarities with my own present situation. It certainly appears as though he has some strong affection toward you. I've little or no doubt he is scared of these feelings , (I think you're instinct is likely to be right on the money) and so he plays with them instead. It comes out as hot and cold behaviours. He can't conceal or ignore how he feels completely, and I think on one level he wants you to know. Hence the flirting. But there must be times when he feels confronted by it, so he turns from you. He's not entirely comfortable with how he feels, and his level of comfort & security varies. This can go on for a long, long time, years sometimes, if nothing happens to break the circuit. The longer it goes on might well be an indicator of how strongly he feels. It would tail off otherwise. I'm going to digress a little to my own story, since it will at least show you're not the only one this happens to, as I thought I was (until finding some of these posts). I've been working with this guy for a few years, and we hit it off, he's always flirted with me. Like you, he initiates it. He knows I feel strongly for him. He's OK with it. He's in a straight LTR. Like your pal, likes to touch me. He runs hot & cold, I'm dealing with two different people. Invites me out, changes his mind. Like your colleague, he can't give it up, & can't make a real move forward either, because that's just too far, and would just upset his straight little applecart. (If you want to read more, my thread is in the section on LGBT later in life) It's very much within human nature to be so conflicted about a thing that you are repelled by and at the same time drawn to this part of yourself. That raises the question in my mind, and yours I'm sure, has he felt same sex attraction for a long time, or have you been the catalyst for some first time feeling in him? In other words, he's thinking privately "oh no not again" or "WTF!" Either way, it's gotta be tough for him. No man keeps this up so intensely and/or for so long unless there's something affecting him deeply. It's hard DB, when you really feel for the guy, we're in the same place there. I can stand back and see him struggling, and I feel for him, and I'm trying to sort out my own feelings and responses. Work throws people together; this stuff will keep happening. There's no single solution. But beware that there's real potential for this to turn sour. My own situation is that my colleague has turned to trying to out me at work , in a harassing and bullying fashion. I hunkered down. He up the ante again with his verbal abuse & other small animosities. Although he's been trying out me for a good while now, most recent change was literally overnight. Real Jekyll & Hyde, from warm & tender to deeply hostile. The upshot is that I'm in a formal complaint process now. Events overtook the usual course of things because (I believe) he couldn't handle it anymore, and I got fed up with being treated with contempt. I've come to the same conclusion as you- this guy is frightened. Walling themselves off from you outside of work may not be enough. Now if they're not able to confront this (and you) honestly, (neither of these guys seem able to), and they can't ignore it, they can play games with it (hence the flirting, even for comic affect) or they can get angry at it, trample it down to get rid of it. I'm not posting just to share with you my story, and I don't want to sound entirely pessimistic. Just handing you some of my perspective which might be of some help in figuring this difficult situation out, and I've done a lot of thinking on this. I'm a little further down the road, but it mightn't be your road. I hope it's not. If you can step back and get some space between you meanwhile that could be helpful. I'd really like to know how this goes for you.
