So, I’ve already made a thread about these two before but things have escalated and sorta got shitter, and I was hoping to get some advice. There are two problems, but they sort of connect. So I’ve been best friends with this girl since we were 15, and we’re coming up to 19. So nearly 4 years and obviously people change in that amount of time. When I first met her, she was awkward, shy and really the classic ‘nerdy’ girl. However in the last 8 months, she’s started a new job (where her brother works) and joined that friends group. It’s all blokes, ranging from 20 to 26, and her personality has drastically changed. To be really honest, I was watching Family Guy last night and this sketch just reminded me so much of her - Family Guy - Joan of Arc (Gamer guuurl) - YouTube. She went from shy, awkward and tbf stereotypically quite feminine to that. She talks about the copious amount of sex she gets, in clubs she acts like a total slut and all round she’s turned into a quite annoying and forceful person. Conversations nearly always ultimately are forced into talking about her sex life, or how everyone thinks she’s a slag (I think she *likes* having a slag persona? She doesn’t talk about it negatively. Like a few weeks ago, she completely changed the conversation and said something like ‘I asked a girl at work how many guys she thought I slept with, and she said 8! Can you believe that?’ and everyone was just abit like ‘erm, good for you?’ lol) and stuff like that. And none of it feels very natural to witness; it feels like she’s actively ‘butching’ herself up, personality wise, while appearance wise she’s making herself more and more feminine. I can only think that hanging around a group consisting of young men has made her think that it’s desirable to be like that? (which is quite the opposite really, in clubs I have random men telling me that my friend is annoying and most of the guys I know now say they would have sex with her but not date her, go figure) While all this is happening, all her old friends have started bitching about how annoying she is/how she’s changed. All juvenile behaviour admittedly, but I actually kinda agree with them. She’s becoming insufferable to know, and if I was in her position, I would want her to tell me that I’ve changed for the worse. So my question is, should I tell her that she’s a total twat now? Is there any point? I don’t really see her taking my advice anymore. She has her new friends and I think she’s happier for it. So if your friend was happier being a bellend, would you try and change them nonetheless? Anyway, while this is happening with her, my relationship with her brother has plummeted and shit is hitting the fans. To go over a quick recap – He’s 23 and a closeted homo. Back in March, we kissed. Since then he’s lied about it, denied it and completely changed personality. When I first met him, he was incredibly nice and caring, quite sweet and really the opposite of the ‘lad’ persona. Now, since we kissed, he’s become the archetypal lad. He never shuts up about getting laid (despite never chatting girls up in clubs), he’s started saying some incredibly offensive things (said rape victims deserve to be raped and they egg on the sexual attack on Thursday and I’m 90% he was being serious) and just become a total ass. And most of his ass-ness is aimed at me lol. He’s dragged me out of a club before and asked why I was out, he’s pushed me out of a taxi that I’ve ordered with my friend (his sister), and generally goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome such as completely avoiding contact to almost comedic levels. Now I’m hard skinned so that shit just goes over my head but I don’t know if I should mention it to my friend. It seems whiny to be like ‘I don’t like the new you, please change back . Oh and your brother is a dick to me’ in the same sentence. So if I can’t tell her, what should I do? I’m tempted to just message him on facebook and tell him to grow the fuck up, but I think he’ll turn round and play dumb. I mean, everything he’s done to me isn’t actually really serious, so he could just turn round and say I’m being over sensitive and I wouldn’t know how to reply. And then there’s another side of me which actually feels sorry for him; he’s quite clearly confused and I want to help him with that, but I have a feeling I’m the wrong person for that (kissing him and all, pretty sure I’m the first bloke he’s kissed lol). So EC, my questions are! – Should I tell my friend she’s changed for the worse? And How should I handle her brother?
okay it sounds to me like you and I have had similar responses to conflict. What I've had to reteach myself is that it is okay to turn around and face a problem head on. With that being said though you need to do it in a fashion that isn't throwing it in their face, a one on one conversation would be a good example of a good idea. Then just talk to them and tell them your side about what you feel. oh and last but not least don't mix the two situations together. Just a side note on the brother. It sounds like he could have been experimenting and not actually gay, but you never really know.
I don't think you should say it as bluntly as 'I don't like the new you, please change back' or something to that effect. You should just start off the conversation on a slightly different note- ask her what she thinks of the guys at her work, maybe? Change the topic again in the direction of her personality. Casually mention she's changed a lot in the past 8 months. Say something like "I noticed you've changed a lot.. You didn't used to be like this. I hope you're not being pressured into doing this- you know I'm your friend and you shouldn't have to change your personality for me or for anyone else." This lets her know you've (obviously) noticed her changes, and reassures her you are her friend and you will stay by her side if she decides to "change back" to her old personality. Who knows? She may be very unhappy and may even be getting sexually harassed by her coworkers, and this is her way of coping with it.. This is a time in your friend's life where you have to be there for her. If she continues to change "for the worse" and your personalities are no longer compatible at all, tell her "You're not the person I became best friends with, etc. etc." It's cliche but you know what, it does the trick. If it comes to this point she will either realize what's happened and it will snap her back into reality, and she will 'change back' or she will continue to change and, unfortunately, you will fall out of best friend ship.. It's an extremely heartbreaking thing, but it is something you gotta face, sometimes friendships just aren't meant to last! As for her brother, don't even get me started.. Just completely ignore him, or be as passive aggressive as possible.. Trust me, nothing pisses people like him off more than that!! I apologize for giving advice that is spotty at best- never really had a situation like this happen with one of my friends! I hope you can save your friend and your friendship! And if you can't, well, at least you know you tried.
I've had plenty of those... closeted, bi curious types. When you fool with them, you have to make sure that you don't care if you ever speak again, because it changes the dynamics of your relationship. If it wasn't even a strong relationship to begin with, it's just trouble. I think you should be blunt with him because they do this thing where they try to act like you guys DIDN'T do anything. And you're not delusional so..yeah. Good luck with that, but it sounds like the both of them are just becoming different folk. :/
About my friend: I have honestly questioned why she's suddenly changed, and I did think maybe some sexual harassment was going on. But truthfully I think it's always been in her system; there's always been an element of her that's been abit 'slutty' by the social convention standard. And I wouldn't mind that, it's her body and she can do what she wants with it. It's just more annoying that she won't shut up about it. So I think I will tell her but tone down the bluntless, cheers guys! (I do have a habit of being excessively blunt. ) But about the brother - I don't know if he's bisexual, but he's definitely not straight. At this point I'd be surprised if he's straight. There's loads of hints about it, and even his sister has actually started to express some thoughts about his sexuality and how maybe she's not so sure. Of course, none of this is my business but I'm just not sure how to deal with his passive aggressiveness. He makes me awkward when ever I see his sister now, whether it's out in clubs or round her house. For the moment I'm taking the ignore route; I just pretend he doesn't exist, but that apparently draws on attention because my friend has been like 'why are you so rude to my brother?'. Yet of course, she fails to notice the bare passive aggressive attitude he has towards me lol.
Me? I would just forget them. People change and someti me s never turn back. And when i'm ignoring them then I would say straight in their face 'i don't want a slut or and her asshole of a brother as my friends'. But im the sort of person to speak my mind when I'm angry. You might not be. But that is what I'd do. And whatever you do, dont out her brother.
They can only really change if they want to, all you can do is show them the door, they've gotta walk through it. I would personally just walk away, and if they ask why you dont hang around them anymore, be honest in the kindest way possible, as long as no violent reaction is possible. Sadly tho, sometimes people just wake up and decide to turn into total wankers
Wait, I think I'm getting a better grasp on what's going on with your friend. I think she's getting a 'change overload', if that makes sense. A similar thing happened to me. I used to be very very shy and quiet, goody two shoes, etc. But in 7th grade I discovered- gasp- breaking rules? Rebelling?! They were all very novel ideas to me, so I decided to do it as often as I could. Unfortunately this meant I was breaking rules for no reason other than to break them, and I ended up going way overload on it. The summer after 7th though I evened out again, I realized, "It's dumb to break rules just for the sake of it" and now I'm at a balance- somewhere in between where I was, and it's a good balance in my opinion. Maybe that's what is happening with your friend. Maybe she's finally discovering what it's like to be more annoying and forceful, as you say, and she wants to be as 'slutty' as possible- just because it's such a novel experience. If you give her some more time, I'm sure she'll realize just how 'slutty' she's making herself, and think "Oh god I was so dumb oh geez why did I ever do that" etc. etc. I'm sure you've given it time already, but just give her a tad more. Just my little bit of advice. If that doesn't work.. Well, I think after a certain point bluntness is definitely the way to go. If she's not getting the hints and the more really-obvious-and-not-actually-a-hint hints, then just say it. Next time she starts talking about how much sex she's having just say "_____, shut. up. Nobody cares about your sex life/nobody wants to hear the details/I don't care how many guys you've slept with." Good luck! (also with her brother)
I know exactly how you feel with this girl. I'm more gay than straight but there's a girl I still really like, well... Kind of. Its complicated. Anyway, she will often brag about sexual things and all that. For instance, she turned 17 the other day and sue admitted a few weeks ago about having sex with a 28 year old man. That's weird. I think it is anyway. She has daddy issues and basically this isn't about me dont worry. Everytime she talks about sex etc I want to smash her in the face, instead I make sarcastic comments and be a prick. It makes me feel a lot better. We fall out constantly but she has to see what she's doing wrong. Its just awful when girls treat themselves like that. But I think this girl and the girl you know are merely trying to fit in, become someone they aren't and live like they felt they wanted to when they were younger... I know this girls just 17 but some people are weird. I'd advise you to ignore her where possible for your sake. I work with this girl too so take my word for it. Some people aren't worth the time of day. Anyway im gonna go text her -_-
