hi, everyone, i'm new here. here's the story... i'm a lesbian currently in a committed relationship with a woman. when we first met she told me she had been with a guy once -- sexual intercourse -- during her teen yrs (we're both in our mid 20s) and that was when she realized she was a lesbian. so all along i was thinking she had just been with this one guy she dated for a while back in the day. well during a pretty innocent conversation a few weeks ago, i found out that prior to this experience with this one guy she dated, she had a few other experiences with guys. i won't get into details but basically she, umm, had a few run-ins on her school bus during high school which involved her touching guys, you know, manual stimulation. and it bothered me, like really bothered me. i don't know why. and i know that it's not wise to divulge sexual details from your past in a relationship but this information came out during a pretty random and innocent conversation and it is really really really bothering me. i have nothing against lesbians who have been with guys before bc i understand that not everyone knows who they are and they have to experiment and explore to figure out their sexual orientation, but i can't seem to get this out of my head. we have all been young. we have all made mistakes. we all figure out who we are in different ways. and your partner's sexual past should not matter. i know all of this, so why does it still bother me? why why why? what's even worse is that she feels ashamed of it and wishes it never would've happened. she says she was trying to be someone she wasn't and was trying to act straight and stuff, but the idea of this girl i have come to know and love manually stimulating guys on the school bus just bothers me in so many ways. what's even worse is that she still lives where she grew up and she sometimes sees the guys this stuff happened with and it makes me mad bc i feel like they're looking at my girlfriend like, "yeeeah, she's a lesbian now, but i remember when she was touching on me back in the day." ugh. i know it long ago and that she was a naive kid, and i know that she is embarrassed about it, and i know that i need to accept her past. i really love this girl and want this relationship to work, but this won't stop bugging me. could someone please talk some sense into me?
I think it's normal to be a little weirded out about this, but, you have to remember that if you really love her, you will be able accept it. Yeah, what she did is pretty sleazy but being with and in love with someone is accepting them -the good and the bad, not just what you like. Now. In saying that, I'm not pressuring, shaming, or guilting you into staying with this girl. Only you know what the best thing to do is in this situation. She may not be 'worth it', and you may not really be in love with her. Before you decide anything, I think you need to have a conversation with her and just put everything on the table. She should be understanding if you come across that way. Just let her know that this information is a little troubling, but you really like/love her and just need some time to process it. This is a really tricky situation.
Whatever this girl did in her past, if she indeed regrets it and asks you to accept it and stand by her, you should not judge her for it if you love her. Because right now YOU are being the "guy" who says "yeeeah, she's a lesbian now, but i remember when she was touching on me back in the day." Some people are not born knowing that they are gay, we can't blame them for exploring their sexuality, this girl can only be blamed for doing it in a whore-y way, publicly, but you said it yourself, you were just kids then. If you care about what people say more than you care about her you should just end this already, but if you wish to keep this relationship going you should firstly talk with her about it and tell her how you feel and discuss it, maybe even ask for a break/some space if this is what you want to decide, but don't force yourself into a relationship you don't want.
I've had this with my bf in that he had a few experiences before I knew him and didn't tell me until we was in a relationship! That was back in January and I understand that it eats you up inside and makes you feel like s**t but if you love that person you have to accept it, you can't do anything to change it, you wasn't even with her when it happened so you can't hold it against her! If she is ashamed it happened and she told you about it then honour the fact that she feels comfortable to tell you her dark secretes of her past! I have to say 7 months on after finding my bfs past i have learn to accept it and I can say it does get easier but only if you are willing to move the relationship forward and fill the future with loads of fun memories whether they are sexual or not!
Everyone has a past of some sort, and she is with you know, that is all that matters.If you still feel uncomfortable about it then you should talk to her more, but really she cannot change her past, and at least she has been honest with you about this, she is obviously comfortable with you and is committed with you so try not to worry to much. also i like this song and it kind of sums this up... 360 - Boys Like You (feat. Gossling) - YouTube
It's great that you're both honestly trying to deal with this and communicating. Really, that's already a positive step, and you're not hiding how you feel about it. I completely get that you're trying to be okay with it but it's not that simple. I think the problem is that we're trained to think in certain ways about certain things and there's no on/off switch to let some things go. What she did has some overtones for you and it's not easy to let it go. I'd just say it takes time. Don't think about it so much and focus on the present. Even if this thing is bothering you - well just accept that it's bothering you and eventually it'll go away. We don't always know WHY certain things bother us but a lot of things which are pretty irrational go away on their own and aren't that important. This stuff is just something you would perhaps feel ashamed of if you had done it, and so it makes her different from you in a way that you're struggling to get over. Maybe it might help to think of something you've done that you're ashamed of - and embrace that feeling of forgiveness. And remember that the basis of every relationship is friendship - you have to be her friend here. If this had happened with your best friend, you would protect her from those comments and tell her to not give a shit about what some random guy thinks. Don't force yourself to be physically intimate with her right now if you're not feeling comfortable, just keep her in the loop that you need a little time to adjust to this.
This sounds like mild jealousy, which is normal (for heterosexuals, this is why there's a huge cultural pressure for female virginity in many societies) when you feel strongly for someone and want to have an exclusive relationship. Ultimately, it is a trust issue. Like others said, the past cannot be changed, so you have to shape the future. You should tell her how you feel, (but don't be too harsh since she's probably beating herself, as well) and then say that you want to work with her to get past this.
If she said she did it because she enjoyed it, then I'd be concerned. But she said she did it to fit in, which is what a lot of closeted gays/lesbians do. We do it to fit in or hoping it would "cure" us. I can't judge a guys past with girls because I'd be hypocritical. But I would be concerned if he did it because he was attracted to them or liked them as opposed to trying to fit in.
thanks for the replies everyone! i really appreciate all the advice. i should've let you all know... i actually did tell her it bothered me. the day after i found out and i tried to do it in a sort of light way. i told myself not to insult her or speak from a place of anger. i was however having an issue bc the image i had of her in my head had changed, and as much as i hate to admit it, after i found out, the idea of being intimate with her made me feel uncomfortable. i decided to tell her but tried to keep it light and use some humor and it completely blew up in my face. what i mean by humor is, i said, "you touching these guys kind of creeps me out, haha, i just can't even imagine it". and that was when things got bad. she didn't take it so good. i admitted to her that i felt uncomfortable with her touching me bc it just bothered me. i kept apologizing and telling her i felt my discomfort was irrational and that i was so sorry i felt that way but that i couldn't help it. she cried her eyes out and it totally broke her heart. she told me i had no right to be creeped out by it and she told me that i was making her feel bad about herself and that she was so upset that i didn't even want her touching me. she told me that she felt like i was disgusted by her, which is NOT true. i would not use the word "disgusted" at all to describe how i felt. just a weird uncomfortable feeling. anyways, she cried and cried and cried and things were awkward between us for a day or two, then they seemed to go back to normal. i decided to talk to her maturely about it and get her to open up to me (these are things she keeps secret and doesn't talk to anyone about and doesn't want anyone to know bc she is so ashamed and she feels like people will judge her and say she is less of a lesbian bc this stuff happened). she did open up to me and talk to me more about it and she revealed some stuff to me and i handled it so bad. i felt even more uncomfortable than i originally felt when i first found out. unfortunately i have a bad poker face bc we spent the following day together and even though i tried to act cool, i failed miserably. i was emotionally distant and not at all affectionate with her, and the day ended with her crying her eyes out and feeling totally devastated. all i could do was cry and apologize to her. i told her i hated that i was hurting her, but that i couldn't help the way i felt. and i can't. i can't help it. i promised her that i would figure out why it bothered me and i told her i just needed to move past it. things were strained between us for a little while after that. she became guarded and distant with me and all i could do was apologize my heart out and tell her i was trying to deal with it. we ended up sharing a lovely weekend together and things have pretty much gone back to normal but...it still bothers me. it is still really bothering me. and i don't know why. i'm too afraid to tell her it's bothering me bc i worry how that will turn out. will it turn into a fight? it's possible. the problem is she kind of clams up and becomes weird and distant and tight-lipped bc she doesn't want to talk about it. she is starting to act kind of weird when it comes to certain sexual things between us, and it's all my fault bc i made her feel like she can't tell me anything. she even told me that -- she told me that my bad reaction to her past experiences with guys has made her feel like she can't tell me things, and that really bothers me. afterwards, when things seemed to go back to normal between us, she told me that she felt like she could trust me again and she assured me she felt like she could tell me things despite my bad reaction, but she's been pretty weird and tight-lipped about certain subjects. like i said previously, the way i found out about all of this was totally innocent, which is why it threw me for a loop. we were talking about stuff and she had mentioned an ex-bf of hers and i said, pretty innocently, "oh yeah, he's the only guy you did stuff with", and it all went downhill from there. that was when i found the rest out. she later told me, after i got upset, that she never planned on telling me. that if the subject came up she planned on telling me but that otherwise she wasn't just going to volunteer the information (which i understand... who wants to reveal shameful secrets?). she also told me after i found all this stuff out that she has nothing else left to hide and i know everything about that part of her life. i just hate that i found out the way i did and that i had such a bad reaction. i don't know why it upsets me. a poster above said jealousy, and i can definitely see that as a possibility. i also think it's because for the longest time i had this image in my head of her... quiet girl in school, not very popular, not a lot of people knew her, not very confident... that was how she portrayed her past to me. so to find out that she was doing what she did kind of conflicts with that image i have of her in my head. also, we got into this relationship with me thinking her past experiences with men were limited, which i loved (i do not have a problem with bisexual women or lesbians who have been with men...it's just that i liked the idea that she had very limited experiences with men, especially since my own experiences with men have also been very limited). i wish it didn't bother me. i hate myself for being upset over it. i've known people who have broken up bc one partner could not accept the other's past experiences. i don't want that to happen. i'll tell you all how ridiculous this has gotten. we were watching a tv show last night and we were cuddling. on the show, a guy was trying to get a girl to perform oral sex on him, and my mind immediately went to my gf touching men's genitals, and i jumped up off the bed and was like, "well, i have to go now". that is seriously how ridiculous i am being. i hate this about myself. :bang:
You're almost similar to me, except I'm a guy lol. I pretty much stopped talking to this one guy after finding out how many women he got with, which surpassed the number of women most my straight friends get with. I think it's a form of deep rooted heterophobia you're not recognizing and fear that she'll leave you for a guy. I get that and understand that. You may think your lesbian relationship is less than or inferior to a straight relationship. I have those same issues too.
hey, okay so first of all you should stop beating yourself up about this. you're being honest, which is very good. secondly, it's true that your reaction wasn't ideal, and it upset her because it wasn't all understanding - but that happens. we aren't automatically okay with everything instantly. you BOTH need time to work through this. she needs to give you a little space, and you need to give her space as well - this thing has hurt the trust between you guys, so don't expect her to confide in you easily right away. i personally think you are going about this the right way - you're confronting your feelings and trying to work through it. and you're taking responsibility for this stuff. just tell her to give you a little time (i'm sure you've done that ), make her see that this is a normal part f relationships and both people have to sometimes just back away a little bit. it WILL become okay because you guys obviously have strong feelings for each other. I think you picked up the real reason why it upset you in what you wrote - it changed your idea of her. that's the reality that often we are as much in love with the idea of someone as with someone, and while there is overlap there can also be differences. in this case you ran up against that. imagine that someone fairly homophobic finds out that her child is a lesbian - and she loves this child. well it changes the idea of the child, and maybe now she just keeps picturing this 'gross' stuff, and random things trigger these feelings of aversion. how would she become 'okay' with it? she can't become instantly okay with it but she can over time learn to see that this stuff is not gross, and that her child is still her child - so many things about the child are still exactly the same. so that's kind of what you need to try to see. it sounds like you perhaps either feel threatened or compromised in some way - that her touching you or you her is connected in some way to her past. also this thing about it bothering you if she's been a boy - think about why this bothers you? what does it mean to you? write it out even - whatever is your worst fear about it, no matter how irrational. that might help. but really both of you should stop giving yourselves and each other a hard time. yes, this is difficult and is making it hard to be intimate. but it IS difficult, it's difficult for anyone. it's like finding out that your partner had a thing with your best friend - suddenly everything is weird now. you need to go through the process of understanding/accepting/letting go which takes time. so give yourselves that.
I'm not going to even pretend like I know how you're feeling, but if I were you, I'd stop. You're going to lose your girlfriend over something that she did before you came into the picture. And I get that you're not trying to make her feel bad intentionally, but you've been with men too. So, how can you make her feel bad for something that you have done in the past as well? It's a bit hypocritical, don't you think? And regardless, if your experiences with men are very limited; you need to let this go before you lose her. There are plenty of women who identify as a lesbian who have been with men. My reasons may be different the next, but I don't owe anyone an explanation why I choose to be with men. It's easier for some of us to except who we are and much harder for others. And I think that the past should stay where it belongs...in the past.
It's good you're being open with her and sharing your feelings, no matter how ashamed you are. The way you talk about your relationship suggests you will have the strength to make it through even when you say can't get over it. If there is someone else you really trust (and who won't be judgmental themselves) to talk about this, it might help, just like how you're asking on this site.
I've had a bit more time to think things through and I'm assuming that you're worried that she may go back to dating men. Perhaps, you are afraid due to her extensive experience with men, she may in fact have enjoyed being with a guy. I'm sorry, I'm just making assumptions at this point and I'm sorry if I'm totally wrong. Believe me, I've had this happen to me before and it broke my heart. The girl I was dating claimed that she was gay, but she got pregnant by her ex boyfriend. I didn't even know that they were still sleeping together. However, I'd never let that experience dictate future relationships with women who identify as gay now, and have been with men in the past. I am one of those women, so there's no way that I can't get mad about the past. I know that you wish that this issue wasn't an issue, but it is and I'm glad that you're trying to sort things out. I'm sorry if I was being a bit insensitive in my prior post, just give yourself time to figure things out. And never be ashamed to admit how you're feeling (*hug*)
thanks for the replies everyone! the kind words and even the tough love are very helpful. and special thanks to rika for being so wonderfully encouraging. you were not being insensitive at all! like i said, i do appreciate the "tough love". believe me, i have thought about how i could lose my gf bc of my feelings. i do understand that the past is the past/i have to accept her for who she is, including her past/the past belongs in the past for a reason, etc. i do get that...or the rational part of me gets that. the irrational part however? not so much. i do think there is a bit of a fear that she secretly does like men and will go back to them. i am not hating on bisexuals or lesbians who have been with men, but i worry sometimes. i don't know if i feel threatened. i think it really is just a matter of the image i had of her being different now that i know what she's done in her past. i mean, she was pleasuring guys...on the school bus. i have thought about how it might make me hypocritical, but i have only ever done stuff with one guy, and we fooled around (no intercourse) and that made me realize just how gay i really am lol. i just think about how she did these things and why she did them. it was three guys, and if she hated it so much, why did she keep on doing it? just seems like extreme behavior, even for a straight girl in high school, let alone a closeted lesbian. she says she didn't enjoy it...that it was awkward...that she was disgusted...that she was curious...that she wanted to gain popularity by doing it to one of the popular guys. i guess i just don't understand. maybe it's the fact that i don't understand that makes it worse. i shouldn't even be trying to analyze it like i am. it was so long ago. it just has me thinking, "if she didn't enjoy it, why did she do it more than once? what would make her behave this way?" maybe it's not my place to even ask questions like that. maybe i just need to accept that we all go on our own journeys to self-discovery, and the road is different for all of us. her journey to self-discovery is entirely different than mine. and i mean, there are plenty of lesbians out there who have had tons of ongoing experiences with men in an effort to "cure" themselves or to hide their identities. it's not like my gf would be the first. it's just...my gf, my precious gf...bringing guys to orgasm on the school bus with her hands. makes me want to hunt them down and punch them. it's all so weird now. any time the subject of men and their, uh, private parts, is brought up, i cringe. you people don't even want to know the horrible images i have in my head. i am seriously at the point where i can't stop wondering, when a penis is mentioned around her, if she is like, "oh yeah, i know what to do with one of those." it also bothers me that my gf knows her way around a penis. we were watching tv a few days ago and a man in a tight athletic outfit was on the screen and my gf was like, "he has a small penis." i seriously got so uncomfortable. all i was thinking was, "she just pointed out his penis...she is aware of penis size...is she thinking about how she used to touch penises back in the day?" i seriously got so freaking uncomfortable. and i am no prude! i can appreciate a good joke about penises, and i am not some uptight lesbian who freaks when the word "penis" is even mentioned. but now, knowing about my gf's past...no way. okay, i am actually laughing at everything i just wrote. my thoughts and reactions are ridiculously immature, but they are kind of amusing.
Wow!! I don't even know where to begin. I just hope that my girlfriend does not feel the way you do about what I did in my past. If I could go back and do my past over again I would but can't. I am not bisexual and I know this because I NEVER enjoyed sex (yes intercourse) with a male. In my past, I have had a total of 4 guys yup 4. Each time I tried something different to "fit in." Never once was it enjoyable but I will admit when I was that age it was a challenge to see if who I was (a lesbian) was truly me. I was in total denial of who I was in college. So I would seek out the boys to see if they were attracted to me. It was not okay to be a lesbian in the 90's. It was just starting to form where people would come out more and more. It wasn't until my coach in college, did I realize that I was different from the normal on my team. She was gay, though it was not okay for her either. My teammates would make fun of the way she looked (butch) and who she loved. It was miserable for me know that I to would be ridiculed for liking girls. I met my first girlfriend in college but was still "dating" boys or having sexual relations just to make the sign of who I really was go away. But it didn't, all it did was hurt my first girlfriend extremely bad. She still really never got over it still to this day but I was with her and with men at the same time. We parted ways. You on the other hand are with this girl and she is telling you that she did not enjoy her past. BELIEVE HER!!! She is telling you the truth. She just wanted to fit in. Though it eats you up inside that she did those things with guys (boys) let it go. She is not feeling the need to go back to that lifestyle that she lead years ago. I know in my heart I wouldn't. I don't hate myself for being with guys, I know deep in my heart that no one has ever had my heart like my current girlfriend. She is my soulmate of 15 years. I could't imagine where we would be to this day if she "used" my past against me. I felt that honesty was in order if I was going to live the rest of my life with her. She to has never been "with a guy" she has been a lesbian all her life. I could not understand what she was feeling when I told her about my past but she loves me unconditionally so accepting my past is what she did. Believe it or not I still talk to some of the guys that I had relations with one is still a very good friend of mine. He totally understands me being with a girl because I was never comfortable around him. I would NEVER go back to him nor would I want to. I know who I am now and that is all that matters. Same with your girlfriend she knows who she is and the rest is history. If you are going to MAKE IT WORK with her you need to somehow get OVER yourself and your thoughts of her being with someone else "meaning a male." This might not happen tomorrow or the next day but if you truly love her you need to let it go. It isn't any easier on her just to let you know that her past is back to haunt her. Good luck with your thoughts!! Hopefully you can get past them for your relationship sake.
Honesty is great - from reading what you wrote I feel that the problem is actually related to sexism. We tend to think that because we're women or because we're lesbians we can't be sexist or homophobic - but we grow up in sexist and homophobic cultures and we INTERNALIZE this stuff. The disgust you indicated in your post - don't keep hating yourself for having it because it's something we all grew up with, even though it's about us. But the way to get over it (I feel) is to learn about it and see how it works. Imagine that you were straight and your girlfriend was a boy and had told you that he used to pleasure girls in the bus to be popular. Would you feel the same degree of disgust? Or would there be some 'coolness factor' mixed in that? (This is part of how the same thing done by a woman is 'slutty' but by a man is 'just having fun'.) Whether we like it or not there is a lot of stigma attached to women touching or being touched by men, which women disproportionately bear. When I first experimented with a guy, "I" felt dirty, that I had become a less - something individual. This is really why if a woman is raped, immediately she feels ashamed, even though the shame should all be with the man who controlled those events, even though she had no choice or responsibility in that. In this case your girlfriend obviously did feel some kind of pressure/compulsion/confusion - things aren't always clear cut, and it wasn't something she wanted to do completely. I googled this stuff and found a quote: "A reputation acquired in adolescence can damage a young woman’s self-perception for years. She may become a target for other forms of harassment and even rape, since her peers see her as “easy” and therefore not entitled to say “no”. She may become sexually active with a large number of partners (even if she had not been sexually active before her reputation). Or she may shut down her sexual side completely, wearing baggy clothes and being unable to allow a boyfriend to even kiss her." -Leora Tanenbaum Just educate yourself a bit on this stuff - we all KNOW what is the feminist and correct thing to say, but knowing it doesn't totally take away the subtle things we've learned to internalize.
Wow. I would never be in a relationship with anyone who was ashamed of my past or thought it was appropriate for me to be ashamed of my past. A core tenet of feminism is about women owning their own experience without shame. Your girlfriend deserves to be free from shame - be it self imposed or imposed by you. Shame is so destructive. It's not like she murdered someone. She experimented with her sexuality. As a teenager. She has a sexual past. We all do. Obsessing about our partners sexual pasts - regardless of the genders of their previous partners- is incredibly controlling, immature, and unhealthy - when men or women do it. This is not about her and her particular experience- this issue is yours. This is not her problem. I advise you to talk to a counselor about it if you can't let it go. Stop trying to talk to her about it. She can't change the past and you need to stop punishing her for it.
