I'm a gay male in a relationship that has been making me very happy for some time now. My boyfriend is everything I could ask for. We have great communication, great sex, similar interests, compatible goals in life and we connect amazingly well. Our relationship has been getting increasingly serious now. I regularly visit his family and go out with his friends, and he with mine. We also talk a lot about the future and our wishes and expectations for a shared life. We usually get over disagreements by talking, and have been able to solve many small issues that came up between us, but there is one big problem that we haven't so far managed to tackle. He is a very selfless person, and for a long time I've counted that among his many qualities, but lately that has become difficult to handle. He makes great personal sacrifice for his friends and family all of the time, even when he is aware that the person is taking advantage on him. He is the younger of three brothers and, although he is 20 and goes to the university, works to help pay the bills — his and that of their unemployed mother — at the cost of having little time to study, and refuses financial help from his father who lives in another town, although both his older brothers, who are graduated and have decent-paying jobs, take a small allowance from him. He goes out of his way for his friends, but refuses to take care of himself. It is very hard for me to see people taking advantage of him, but when we talk about it he says he can't be any other way and if I persist the conversation gets heated up and we both feel like we are hurting each other. I feel like I don't have the right to interfere with the way he handles his friendships — and especially his family relations —, but I can't avoid being sad and angry, and fearing that the closer we get, the worse the problem will be. On the other hand, he is way too good to let go. What should I do? Am I wrong or selfish for wanting him to change? Have you ever been in a similar situation?
Fist, everyone has their flaws, if that's the only problem he has: you are extremely lucky. To answer your questions, I think just having calm conversations and casually reminding him that he needs to take care of himself too is your best bet. IMHO, you are not being selfish In fact I'd call it selfless, because your worried about the financial stability of your bf and no I've not been in similar situations, but I've observed them quite often. You know, there has always been a saying I go by when it comes to conflict and picking battles: "small enough to win, big enough to matter" does this meet both the requirements? Is it actually taking enough of a toll that you should get involved? Also, depending on how close he is with his family, will you be putting him in a position where he has to between his family and you? My questions would be: do you guys normally talk freely about finances? How close is he with his family? Not sure if this helped or gave you more to think about, but that's just my 2 cents
I think in every relationship there is always at least one thing that is irritating about the other person. I'm sure it is annoying to see people take advantage of your boyfriend but I think this will be something that works out over time. As you move along in the relationship and you want things together, money will need to be used for those things (i.e. house, cars, kids etc....). If this guy is as good as you say he is and you click on so many levels, I think I'd try to find a way to just deal with it. There are about 1,000 things I can think of that is worse than being with someone who is selfless.
Many times, probably always, people do things because it is rewarding or because it relieves pain and provides a psychological boost to self-esteem. You may want to ask him simply what he gets out of helping others, believe me, it may not be so selfless, there is most likely a very concrete reward, or also something that he is afraid of and avoiding by being so selfless...
First, I think there are way more positives than negatives here, so it doesn't sound like you're complaining. It sounds like you're concerned. His giving seems a little excessive, in context, when there are other siblings and such. There are some people they call "pleasers." They try to please others at the expense of taking care of themselves. Do you know what could be causing this in him?
I think perhaps what you could do is contact the people taking his help and lightly and I mean LIGHTLY suggest they lay off a bit. I understand that you are worried and that is not selfish of you at all since you are trying to help him. Whatever you do try not to force him to choose one thing, let him have options and try helping him by keeping away people who will purposely use him.
Hi Bowie, Your boyfriend is a real supporter. I think you need to accept this because it is deeply ingrained in his personality. There's nothing wrong with this; in fact, it's quite a wonderful "problem" in the whole scheme of things. Your relationship sounds excellent and you should cherish it. Both of you will need to accommodate one another from time to time, and this is one area where, in my humble opinion, you need to do the bending. If, however, you feel that he is being hurt by the amount he gives to others, of course you have a responsibility to request that he look out for himself, too. But this should be a request, not a complaint and it should be expressed in the context of deeply caring for him, not criticizing him. I have high hopes for your wonderful relationship and want to see you get over this bump in the road. My very best wishes to you both. With aloha, Milan
Thank you all for your wonderful support. Opinions given from an external point of view give me a great sense of perspective that help me handle the situation, and already made me feel better. First off, we sometimes talk about finances, but we don't live together, so it's not a common topic of conversation. Moreover, we have very different perspectives on that matter: I'm not overly ambitious, but I do invest time and effort in my career and think that building wealth is a good strategy to improve my quality of life; he is responsible about the little money he has, but doesn't like the idea of being rich, and is in a career in which he is likely to earn much less than me in the long run (he studies Linguistics and Literature; I, Law). That does bother me, as it could cause some conflict if we do decide to live together in the future, but we respect each other's opinions and don't interfere. We've never had fights over that. Concerning greatwhale's and Tightrope's posts, I did ask him about the reasons for his actions. He says he can't be any other way and that he wouldn't feel good if he didn't act like that. He says he wants to help his father retire. I think that the fact that he always makes sacrifices for others might be related to low self-esteem and a sense of not deserving things. I suggested he might like to go to therapy and discuss those issues, and he didn't like the idea. It would be very hard to talk to other people directly. His friends are mostly good people, and, if they do abuse of him, it's usually over small things. The main issue is with his family, and I absolutely don't think I can do anything there. I'm a newcomer and his brothers wouldn't handle well any comments from my part. His father doesn't even know I exist (he has been out to mostly everyone for a long time, but he deliberately keeps the fact that he is gay away his father). His mother can't do anything. I appreciate MilansMele advice very much and I tend to think she is right, but a few things keep worrying me. I do think he is hurt by what his is doing, mostly because, as I said, he doesn't really take his own needs into account. He won't hesitate to spend time with a friend that asks him to even when he has academic assignments to do (and he's usually very responsible with that), and will often try to pay the check or make gifts even though nearly all of his friends are in much better financial condition than he is. Finally, I have to admit I sometimes get jealous of all the attention he gives them. Perhaps I'm not used to that behavior as I, myself, have always been a more secluded kind of person, but it is very different from how I treat my own friends.
I am the same kind of person as your boyfriend, in that I have a hard time accepting help. It has always made me feel dependent and incompetent, and I take great pride in being self sufficient. Let him have this. It might be tougher on him, but the sense of accomplishment and self-reliance is worth it. I wouldn't stress so much, it just shows how hardworking and dedicated he is.
It doesn't really seem 100% selfless. A lot of people do good things because it makes them feel better, which in itself is almost selfish. Pleasing others pleases him, so why would you want to change that. I also don't really see a real problem, other than you being over concerned about him. Which is fine, it means you love him. But he is an individual and is not an extension of you regardless of how much you feel "connected", so just let him be.
Aloha, Bowie I read and re-read your second post and have given it a lot of thought. If you want to sustain your excellent relationship you need to allow your partner to be himself. Just because he sees life from a different perspective doesn't mean he's got low self-esteem or isn't deserving. This is not an issue where there is a right approach or a wrong one; it is a matter of philosophy. I wouldn't like having therapy suggested either. Please accept him for who he is; don't try to change him. If there is work to be done on this issue, work on yourself. Make yourself more open and accepting of alternative ways of living a life. Both of you bring a unique world view to your relationship. Together, if you share and embrace one another's wisdom, you will create a very balanced and wise partnership. You wrote your post with the intention of making your relationship better. I know you will succeed. I wish you both a long, happy and rewarding life together. With aloha, Milan
There are already a lot of good thoughts on here, so I'll just add a couple things. First of all, as you've already noted, there's not much you can do with his family and associated finances - becoming involved in that business can get very personal very fast and is likely to lead to a lot of hurt feelings. Similarly, I wouldn't suggest talking to his friends and asking them to lay off - your intentions may be genuinely supportive, and you may even be right, but it's going to be hard to come away from that conversation sounding like anything other than a controlling boyfriend. Money is one of the biggest sources of conflicts in relationships, and from the sound of it, the difficulty here isn't necessarily his family or friends, but more the different views you two take of it. Maybe the best thing to do would be to find a time when you're both calm about the issue and have a conversation about how you two view money - not with an eye toward changing each other's opinions, but rather understanding more fully what you two think about money and what it's for. Should you two get to the point of living together and actually becoming financially dependent on each other, then the conversation may change. But for now, try to let him do with his finances as he thinks is best, and provided he's not creating any problems for himself, just work on understanding it more.
