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My therapist agees with both me and you guys EC

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Aug 12, 2013.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    My mom practically told me she wants me to live a lie and marry a girl. She said that I crushed all of her dreams and that I should pay her back for the sacrifice of her life to raise me with sacrifice of my life to give her her dreams of grandchildren.

    And several other things like how lazy I am, and how inconsiderate and how being gay and open about it is bad because nobody would hire me.

    Fast forward
    Today I had a therapist visit, and I told her everything as today was a day I was alone with her, she agreed that I am not responsible for anything that had to do with HER decisions, and that I shouldn't have to be the mature one, and that denying everything, even if it's until my mom dies (my mom said I should do that) is bad, very bad.
    My mom said she wanted me to stay closeted because if the administrators at school found out, they would never hire her again to substitute teach. She agreed that this assumption was ridiculous and, but also said my mom should be defensive of me.

    But now, I'm not sure what I should do, I don't know if I should just ignore my moms shit and come out, or just not tell anybody else for the time being, my mom wanted me to tell the people I've told that I was confused and straight so that way nobody will know...

    What should I do with my therapist's agreement, if my mom finds out, she'll probably never take me back to her again because I think she wants somebody who agrees with her and would totally and never side with me.
    :help:
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Aug 12, 2013
  2. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    It's great that your therapist agreed with you, but she seems to have been somewhat short on what to do about it...

    You are becoming yourself, and that will involve a degree of separation between you and your parents, and you and your mother specifically.

    Although we so want our parent's approval, part of growing up is not needing it as much anymore...You cannot be responsible for her dreams for you, it's that simple and that difficult.

    You are no doubt still dependent on her, so you need to weigh very carefully what the consequences will be if you do not comply with her wishes at this stage.

    Rest assured that in a few year's time you will still be gay, but considerably more mature. If the consequences of coming out now will be serious, then just bide your time, and take that time to learn from places like EC, and make real friends who will support you, and teach you about what it means to be gay.
     
    #2 greatwhale, Aug 12, 2013
  3. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    Well, I echo that the therapist and the EC folks are backing you up. I am focusing on the first paragraph, where your mom says you have crushed her dreams of having grandchildren, and you are, what, 15? Please do not cave in to that level of guilt. Grandchildren are a possibility for people, not a right. Keep working with the therapist. You can't make that decision and set up any strategies in one visit. The therapist is a professional and someone who can defend themselves quite well in a situation like this, since your mother's interests sound so stacked on her side. This is not the sort of dialogue that a therapist can disclose. Stay strong and keep us posted.
     
    #3 Tightrope, Aug 12, 2013
  4. biggayguy

    biggayguy
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    It sounds to me like your mom is just trying to make you feel guilty. I wouldn't try to take back what I already said. Maybe you could just not bring it up unless someone ask you. You should make a big deal about how this counselor has helped you in so many areas. Emphasize the qualities your mom likes. That strategy helped me keep my counselor.
     
    #4 biggayguy, Aug 12, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2013
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    No offense, but your mom is a piece of work. She has zero boundaries, and is clearly stuck in victim mentality and unable to see that you're an individual who is entitled to, and has to, live your own life, not live your life according to her wishes.

    She's creating all of these doomsday fantasies. I have no idea why she'd not get hired somewhere because she has a gay son. Nobody with a brain, not even a bigoted religious school, would deny hiring someone competent for such a reason.

    So I think you need to do what feels right to you. It sounds like coming out would be helpful to you in having more real-life support, and be able to be authentic. EC is great, but being able to be who you are is going to make a tremendous difference for your self esteem.

    As for what to tell her about your therapist... that's a tough one. Perhaps you can discuss that with your therapist (with or without your mom in the room) next time you're there, and directly bring up the fear that by bringing it up, your mom will want to switch therapists. The therapist sounds competent, so she should be able to help your mom understand why this would be a bad idea. Of course... it won't stop her, but it will take away any flimsy excuse she has for doing it.

    Congrats on taking the steps you are taking. It's not easy, particularly with a mother as smothering and controlling and manipulative as yours is. You're making good decisions and I think your mom will eventually come to terms with that.
     
    #5 Chip, Aug 12, 2013
  6. Adi

    Adi
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    Your life, not hers. You don't owe her anything.
     
    #6 Adi, Aug 13, 2013
  7. LuvMyIB

    LuvMyIB
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    Mental abuse is what I call it. She has NO right to say "she wants me to live a lie and marry a girl. She said that I crushed all of her dreams and that I should pay her back for the sacrifice of her life to raise me with sacrifice of my life to give her her dreams of grandchildren."

    You may crush her dreams but what about YOURS!! This is your life!! Your mother brought you into this world and can only hope for the best for you. She can not tell you how to live your life, she can guide you if you need it but honestly it sounds to me you know who you are. Coming out is not easy, its even harder when you don't have the love and support from your parents. You will get through this one way or another just keep talking with your therapist and see where it leads you.
     
    #7 LuvMyIB, Aug 13, 2013
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