1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

He still lives with his ex?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by wrightrupert19, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. wrightrupert19

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi guys,
    I'm 22 and have dated before but never really had any meaningful relationship. A few weeks ago I met this guy at a bar, went back to his house and we have really hit it off. (He's 41, I've always been attracted to older men) We text constantly and I've stayed over at his several times, just spent the whole weekend with him and I think I may be falling in love for the first time BUT my problem is that he lives with his ex-boyfriend. He says they were going out for 4 years then broke up 3 years ago and never moved out, apart from a few one-night-stands I am the first person he has been with since then, I am the first person he has brought back to the house when the ex has been there. The ex hasn't been with anyone since they broke up but has gone on a date with a long-term crush since I started seeing this guy. I have met the ex in the house and have got on with him, he seems like a nice guy though with obvious emotional issues. I do believe that they are just platonic but for example the guy only invited me to spend the weekend with him because the ex wasn't going to be there, he asks the ex's permission before he asks me to stay over and then yesterday he was supposed to come see me off at the bus but stayed in the house instead because the ex's mother had gone into hospital and the ex and the ex's mother were coming to the house and he felt obliged to stay to play host to them. On Friday he met me in town as opposed to my coming out to his house straight away as the ex was still there at that stage. They are renting their house so they are choosing to stay living together, he says he would rather live with the ex as a friend than move in with a stranger. I have so little experience with relationships and think I am being blinded by the powerful emotions I am feeling for this man so would really appreciate an outsider's opinion on all this. Is this a situation I want to be getting involved in? I suppose really I need to talk to the guy himself about it.
     
  2. June Cleaver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,267
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United States of America
    something is wrong with this situation! Since you are writing this your mind has picked up on something wrong. Take the part where he had to entertain the ex and mother. You don't have to entertain your roommate or his family if he was just a roommate. Some of it can be explained away but that was telling in my book. He is 41, and I happen to be 41 and can tell you at 41 very few 22yo guys look our way for a relationship. Unless it is a sugar-daddy situation. Since that is not your motivation he is enjoying himself. It sounds like this guy has held on to the ex sort of like a loose open relationship that is comfortable while looking for something better. I have run in to guys who were always looking and never satisfied with what they had. Then wall-ah! a 22yo goes home with him and the new relationship starts. Meanwhile the ex goes on a date with a long term crush, WHY SUDDENLY NOW? as it is a long term thing? Sounds like the ex is trying to make him jealous to me.

    The bottom line is you need to protect yourself beyond condoms! You being green at dating is working against you in this situation. So watch this guy's actions and let some time pass before you fall completely in love if it is possible. I don't want to totally judge this as I am not there with you first hand, but things don't sound right to me so I would be watching them. Good luck! June
     
  3. Estragon84

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2013
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Let me speak from personal experience: Move on!

    Even though they're "exes", there's still history and there is probably some sort of mutual feeling... there has to be, they're living together and seem to be getting along. Playing host to his mother's ex, asking for permission.... please.

    In my case, the guy I was seeing was still living with his ex (the ex was seeing a therapist at the request of the guy I was seeing) and there was some still some glimmer of hope on the guy I was seeing's part to rekindle a relationship.

    As long as he keeps living with his ex and seeing you, it'll be a three person relationship and you'll, essentially, be the outsider. You're too young to be getting involved in this type of drama.

    Talking and being upfront is a good thing, especially when trying to cultivate a relationship. Like you said, talk to "your" guy frankly about it and see what he says.

    Good luck!
     
  4. wrightrupert19

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks for the replies guys, yeah this is what I was thinking deep down and yet I keep trying to excuse it, like maybe it is possible for two exes to just be really good friends? But I guess that's emotion blinding my judgement, can't believe I've let myself be played for a fool, wow
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    Actually, the basic set-up isn't unusual, especially in the less-than-ideal economic climate of the past four or five years. It's not at all uncommon for two people to get into a relationship, shack up, and then end up breaking up...and find that it's economically unfeasible for either to move out. "Living with an ex" has become something of a trope, really.

    That said, once two people have broken up, they're ostensibly simply roommates. One shouldn't have to ask the other if it's OK to bring somebody else over, unless they're in really tight quarters. (You say it's a "house", which seems to suggest that's not the case.) One shouldn't ditch a date or boyfriend to play host to the roommate's mother. As others have stated, it's clear where you fit on his priority list. You can either accept that you're stuck behind the ex (probably permanently) or start looking elsewhere. I know which one gets my vote. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. Estragon84

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2013
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Nah... you weren't a fool. It's tough to be rational when feelings are involved. Aside from that, you fell for someone, there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you're anything but a fool... you were wise enough to recognize that maybe this situation was less-than-ideal and even more wise to seek out help/advice. If I had been as wise as you, I wouldn't have gotten myself into the mess I did.

    So kudos to you!
     
  7. June Cleaver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,267
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United States of America
    I am so sorry! Always go with your gut feeling on things as it is usually right, at least mine is. There are lots of good men out there as well as the players. Good luck! June