I fell in love with my best friend. She's straight, and i'm "straight". I told her how I felt. I thought she felt the same way because of how emotionally close we were and that we hooked up a lot when we were drunk (not sex though). Things were messed up for a while, but we've really tried to work through it. We tried to be friends, but I think we rushed into it too fast right away. I took some time off a 2nd time and after that 2nd break things seemed to be normal again. We we're doing pretty good, but now she's just been so hot and cold with me. She will be super close with me for a few days (texting all day, talk on phone, want to know everything that's going on/tell me everything... like how it used to be ) for a few days and it will finally feel like it's normal again... and then she will pull away and be short with me for a few days. And when we're drunk and alone she will do things like hold my hand and whatnot, but then when we're in front of mutual friends she will be super weird about any form of affection that is normal between two girlfriends. The cycle has been repeating itself for the past 2 months. It's emotionally draining me out. As much as I want her to be something more, I ultimately just want to be close as friends again. And it will seem like we are and then she just pulls away. Anytime she pulls away I bring it up and she just says "we're never going to be close again and can only be friends". I'll ask her why and she just says "she just feels like she can't" and i'll ask why and she'll just say "because" and won't even give me a direct reason just a round about answer. Then after another day or so she will go back to being my "best" friend again. I don't know if I should just give up on being friends with her. I really love her a lot, I care about her so much...and I don't even know if I'm strong enough to let her go as a friend. But it's just messing up my head so much that she is so extreme with me. It's either 100% or nothing with her. She's either blowing me up or not talking to me except short one word answers. It doesn't help that I attribute her behavior as denial, but I really try hard not to think about that. But I just don't understand what else explains her behavior. Basically, I just don't know if I should continue to be friends with her. It's too hard when she says we can't be close because I always compare it to how it used to be and idk if I will ever really be able to accept this 'new' friendship. Plus, regardless of what happened.... I don't think it's okay that she is constantly pushing and pulling me away on a bi-weekly basis.
It sounds like if being in a relationship with a girl were "normal" she would be more inclined to want to try out a serious relationship with you, but I think she is too concerned with how society views and thinks about same sex relationships. The reason I say this is because of what you said about how she acts "super weird about any form of affection" when you guys are in front of mutual friends. Personally, I think she has feelings for you, but she may not feel comfortable acting upon them because of what other people in her life may think. Also, she may be thinking that if she plans on marrying a guy then what would be the point of having a relationship with you if it would only last for a short while.
Thanks for the response. That's what is so frustrating is that she will initiate "more intimate/not normal friend behavior" when we are alone (and since she has known I liked her). I don't ever try to do more intimate things in public settings, but just regular interaction that I have with all my girlfriends and she always over reacts... and then it gives off the picture that i'm some creep or something and it drives me crazy--especially since she is contradicting herself. Yeah, quite a few people have told me the same thing and that's what makes it so hard to let go of 'her'. In the back of my head I just always feel like that's what's going on and I just want to wait till she realizes or accepts it, but I know that is a horrible thought since I don't know if she really does or ever will. I just don't know how to handle the situation. I really just feel like I need to distance myself a little bit.
I'm posting again because I need some advice on this same friend. Everything is still up and down. I currently haven't spoken to her in 3 days and it's driving me crazy. I know that sounds so pathetic considering it's only 3 days, but I tell this girl everything and I have to use so much self-control from not texting her. Earlier in the week though, she asked me on two separate occasions if I was jealous of the guy she was dating and to deal with it. IDK I just think that's rude considering she knows how I felt. I just don't really get her sometimes. I have told her multiple times that I am 'over my feelings' (which is a lie) just in hopes of gaining back normalcy. However, sometimes I wonder if I should stop acting like they are completely gone so much. I guess I just feel like for how close we were/can be... I think she would be more sympathetic towards my feelings. I think that is what constantly throws me off with this situation. She has re-acted so badly during this whole thing that it makes me think she really does have feelings. If throughout this whole time she would have explained that she really cared for me as a friend but didn't want to hurt me but I could talk to her about my sexuality or something along those lines... I 100% would not believe she had feelings. But she's just been so bi-polar about it all. And she has also mocked the situation with mutual friends. And I know that from what I'm describing she sounds like a horrible person. But I really feel like it's just a defense mechanism because it's true. For the past year we have been so emotionally and physically (no sex) intimate in ways I've never been with someone before. I can't imagine that she could be so insensitive about the situation if she didn't feel something. And the other night while out, I left with a guy friend and she texted me and said that i'm such a whore and asked if we had sex yet in several different texts. IDK i'm always very open about that stuff with her and vice-versa... but the tone was just different. IDK I just know that before I confessed my feelings to her, I would call her a whore sometimes when I was drunk because I was jealous. IDK just makes me wonder if she's dealing with the same thing I did before I told her. IDK I just can't decide if it's better to completely act like i'm over her in hopes of regaining our best friendship or to just be honest with her that I still love her. Because part of me wonders if she does have feelings for me, if me saying I don't feel them anymore, pushes them away. IDK either way I'm trying to distance myself at the moment. It just sucks because I have to see her twice a week for being on the same sports team. I'm trying hard to just not text her and be nice in person. I'm sorry this was really long. I just really needed to vent--even if no one does respond ha It does feel better to write it all down and post it.
