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The pain never seems to go away.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Shadowsettler, Aug 15, 2013.

  1. Shadowsettler

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    I shouldn't have to rely on you guys to help me, but I'm socially awkward...

    I've been trying to deal with a loss that I had 15 years ago that's pretty much crippled me, and now that I've told people it doesn't seem any better. I feel like my chance @ lifetime happiness has been taken away from me...

    I miss my friend Ian so badly that it makes me nauseous. If his mother wasn't a c*** then we'd probably still be together to this day... And I feel worse because I like this other guy... I'm still fighting the good/evil bulls*** fight, and I'm sick of running in place!

    This probably makes no sense but I really needed to say it.

    ---------- Post added 16th Aug 2013 at 01:17 AM ----------

    I do accept my sexuality, for the most part. I still have that really nasty voice in the back of my mind, telling me that Ian's gone, and all this other shit is bad punishment for myself.
    What coincidence that we start getting closer, and then he was gone...

    I saw him again once 2 years ago, while I was with my ex-gf. I just kind of went into shock, hurried and left... I feel so much more sick because of it. Like its teasing me, being with my ex at the time, whom I loved...

    He's on Facebook... I sent a few messages to him, last year, applogizing for blowing him off. He never responded... it's making me feel shit.

    Why do I suffer so much, like my life is a cartoon, and everything that happens to me is some kind of sick joke.

    ---------- Post added 16th Aug 2013 at 01:29 AM ----------

    I didn't clarify: I was with my gf, and he just showed up suddenly after 15 years. He was so beautiful. The scene was literally something from a dream, and I fucking just shook his hand and ran off... What the fuck is wrong me?

    I couldn't leave Jamie. I loved her. Like my dreams are all dead
     
    #1 Shadowsettler, Aug 15, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2013
  2. Shadowsettler

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    I want to kick my own face in. Why do I love him, but he's so far away?

    If you don't already know, the short story is that Ian and I were really very close friends at age 10, his mom found us in the bushes together, (no sex, just hugging and kissing) then made the effort to keep him from me and move away on a dime because of it, and everything post-that has led up to this post. I'm really trying to be wrong. Thinking about it honestly wants me to end my life over it. The fuck?

    I just want to at least tell him how I feel, but I don't know why he's ignoring my messages... LoL???
     
    #2 Shadowsettler, Aug 15, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2013
  3. dfiant

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    Because he doesn't feel the same


    Sick of this life
    Not that you'd care
    I'm not the only one with
    Whom these feelings I share

    Nobody understands,
    Quite why we're here
    We're searchin' for answers
    That never appear

    But maybe if I looked real hard I'd
    I'd see your tryin' too
    To understand this life,
    That we're all goin' through
    (Then when she said she was gonna like wreck my car...
    I didn't know what to do)

    Sometimes I feel like I'm beatin' a dead horse
    An I don't know why you'd be bringin' me down
    I'd like to think that our love's worth a tad more
    It may sound funny but you'd think by now
    I'd be smilin'
    I guess some things never change
    Never change

    I met an old cowboy
    I saw the look in his eyes
    Somethin' tells me he's been here before
    'Cause experience makes you wise
    I was only a small child
    When the thought first came to me
    That I'm a son of a gun and the gun of a son
    That brought back the devil in me

    Sometimes I feel like I'm beatin' a dead horse
    An I don't know why you'd be bringin' me down
    I'd like to think that our love's worth a tad more
    It may sound funny but you'd think by now
    I'd be smilin'
    I guess some things never change
    Never change

    I ain't quite what you'd call an old soul
    Still wet behind the ears
    I been around this track a couple o' times
    But now the dust is startin' to clear
    Oh yeah!!!

    Sometimes I feel like I'm beatin' a dead horse
    An I don't know why you'd be bringin' me down
    I'd like to think that our love's worth a tad more
    It may sound funny but you'd think by now
    I'd be smilin'
    Ooh yeah, I'd be smilin'
    No way I'd be smilin'
    Ooh smilin'
     
  4. Figureskater

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    ^that was beautiful
     
  5. Filip

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    First of all, let me start off with a big (*hug*)(*hug*). Because you sound like you could use one.

    Secondly, I can't give an easy solution. Getting over the past takes time and work. But for what they're worth: some thoughts

    I don't think that these thoughts are all that strange. If you feel like you're in a bad place, it's normal to try and reach back to a moment where life seemed better and simpler and still on the right track. And it's also easy to start living in the past, or thinking of an alternate reality, where that one trauma never happened and everything went your way.

    To be honest, I did something very similar when coping with the fact that the first guy I ever crushed on was moving away and we'd never see each other again. For about 3 to 4 years afterwards, the whole "what-if" was my go-to situation when times got though. I'd obsess about how, in some parallel universe, we'd be out on a date, having fun. And as I got more and more used to wondering what could have been, it was easy to start feeling like letting go of that was somehow a betrayal.

    And I'm not going to say that coping mechanisms like this one are always bad in every situation. Sometimes some escapism or a memory can help you through a bad time.
    Though, in this case, it's quite possible it's becoming a crutch. More a fleeing mechanism than a coping mechanism.

    Now, it's not easy to just get over that. But whenver you find yourself obsessing over it, it might be best to focus on the following:

    - This whole thing is, literally, more than half your life in the past. You've spend more time not seeing this guy anymore than you ever spent together. That makes what-ifs very dangerous. In your fantasy everything of course goes as best as possible, but the real world is never that perfect. So don't focus too much on an ideal fantasy and allow yourself to see it more as a "maybe it would have, maybe it wouln't!"

    - It also means you shouldn't take anything personally about it. To you, it was something that occupied you to today. It was probably traumatic for him too, but it is possible that in 15 years, he has moved on and wants to keep it in the past. Like I mentioned above, for him, you're someone he spent a longer time not knowing than he ever knew you. And maybe he'd just like to leave it in the past.

    -The past is, in the end, just the past. It's easy to obsess on, but it can't be changed. So while this may be a singular event that resonates to this day, it's best to say "yes, it happened, and it sucked, but it can't be undone, and i'm not going to let it rule my life".
    Because, trust me, nothing bad that happened is a punishment for it. You should see it as the moment where you found out you liked guys, and see it as a reason to enjoy future relationships all the more. You can still overcome it by having a kickass rest of your life!

    And yes, it's not easy. Old reflexes die hard. But I also know from experience that it's possible to overcome. Old dreams may die, but out of them newer, bigger, dreams may be built. And I do believe that you can and will achieve better things in the future!

    (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  6. Shadowsettler

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    (*hug*) I just really needed to let it all out. It wasn't as simple as "he's moving away"; it was extreme homophobia on his mother's part, and that's why it fucks with me to this day. After school hours, he was my entire world, then BOOM! Etc...

    Hopefully I do make some peace with it soon. I had all the chance in the world to tell him I loved him @ the time, and still have that chance, but I'm terrified of talking to him... Like wth is that?

    He's always been arrogant and stuck up, and I think he's genuinely pissed off @ me for our very brief, recent reunion ( all of 2 minutes ). That bothers me worse, that I'm an idiot for not at least trying to be his friend one more time... And I like another guy, but friendship, at the very least, closure, is all I really want with him.

    ---------- Post added 17th Aug 2013 at 01:00 AM ----------

    I could have killed her for it.. It was a living nightmare
     
    #6 Shadowsettler, Aug 16, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2013