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My sexual inexperience vs boyfriends is torturing me!!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DevilsMoonDance, Aug 16, 2013.

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  1. DevilsMoonDance

    DevilsMoonDance Guest

    So to give a quick background -- I am 21 yrs old and came out last april to violent rejection from family which made me run back into the closet till i went back to university that september. I went back thinking id finally have sexual experiences at last! Then something amazing happened....i fell in love with my now boyfriend. We became close friends during october and then i asked him out to which he said yes :grin: !! Before we started our relationship i already knew he'd had sexual encounters with 4 people...all one time contacts...3 of which were drunken. My boyfriends 19 and he'd had these in the years after coming out since 16. I was a virgin till we started our relationship.

    In the first few months i never cared much about these! Then in february while we were drunk he told me he'd had a drunken make out session in the local club back in september..that was his first night at uni and before he even knew me. I am ashamed to say i reacted a bit rudely which in retrospect is selfish and have apologized...it was only making out not sex. I guess it broke my fantasy of him having been with just me in that town which is silly. I trust he's been completely honest with everything else.

    A month or so later while drunk i asked him to deacribe the guy he had the make out with...and he said he was model hot and he could see a huge hard on etc! now since then i have fantasised about that encounter whilst masturbrating a LOT!! I feel like i really regret not having similar one nighters or drunken make outs. That's when i started to feel like i was "settling down" too fast! I had gotten into a relationship just a few months after coming out without ever exploring or having a "wild teen" phase. I never viewed myself like that before though...i guess knowing my boyfriend did these things made me think i could've done them too as we're quite similar!

    I talked about all this to him back in june and he as ever was the most understanding person in the world. He suggested we could have threesomes so i get the "thrill" of being with a stranger. I wasnt comfortable with that and within a day we went off the idea. Later now he revealed to me he was never comfortable with it and only brought it up to help me.

    Since then our relationship has gone through tough times due to a variety of disputes. This had an effect on us and especially our sex life. With my sex drive being a bit higher than his i had become a bit unsatisfied. Due to reduced quantity rather than quality. Now we have discussed all this together and it led to the following.....last week we thought of taking a break (but with arranged meetings once a month) as we're gonna be having a long distance relationship from this year for 2 years as i move to a different campus (only 3 hours away so our initial plan was meeting every weekend) anyway. As happens with our disputes though a day later we went off the idea as we knew we couldn't bear not being with eachother. We identified the cause of these disputes is the huuuuge hit my self esteem, confidence and self love has taken due to families violent rejection and how me being financially dependent on them to complete my education has also put stress on me along with still having to be in a slightly open closet at home! So we decided i need to deal with these issues over the two years while he also deals with some personal stuff so we'll be ready to move in together :slight_smile: .

    So i decided to work on those issues. While going through my problems recently this whole one night stand and his make out encounter came back to me! And i cant stop thinking about. Cant stop wishing i could've experienced all that he has! So this made me think again about having the break! But then are these thoughts brought on by my broken self worth and confidence? Or do i need to live out my "teen slutty phase"? Or is it a side effect of my high sex drive? Either way i do not want to lose my boyfriend as i love him immensely and he's absolutely my soul mate. I just didn't count on finding him so quickly haha

    So guys please help me dig out this hole? I want more opinions and advice on what the real problem here is and potential solutions before i talk to him. I dont wanna bother him with yet another problem...he'll help me and be so supportive but it will hurt him inside..i know that!

    P.s. absolutely not interested in an open relationship or threesomes. If i am with him i want to remain faithful. Words can't express how special this person is to me and how much i want to do for him!

    P.s.2 typing from mobile so excuse moi for typos and or grammar errors
     
    #1 DevilsMoonDance, Aug 16, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2013
  2. Steak is food

    Steak is food
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    You are really lucky to have found someone you care about that much that early in life. Some people have to go for a very long time without having a person like that in their lives. Maybe if you keep telling yourself that it will help. Somehow I doubt it but you could give it a go. Sorry that I probably have just wasted space and time with this but I wanted to say that.
     
    #2 Steak is food, Aug 16, 2013
  3. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    It sounds to me like you're sort of doing a 'but I'm a young gay guy so I SHOULD want this' thing here.

    Ok, so your BF has been with maybe 5 guys to your one. So what?

    I've been with about a dozen guys in my time and have a friend who has had literally hundreds of sex partners. Had a housemate for a time who went to sex parties fairly regularly (with his boyfriend actually). Again, so what?

    Sexually, there are only a finite number of things you can do with another human being. It is really very easy to experience lots of different sex acts. Finding someone you really care about (or love) and who feels the same way back and who you are compatible with is much, MUCH harder.

    You don't sound like you're bored with your sex life and you've already explicitly said you don't want an open relationship or a threesome with your BF. So I would ask yourself just what you do want and why you think that 'taking a break from each other' would let you get it? Because it doesn't sound like you'd be running out to hook up with every guy in sight even if you were apart, at least if there was any intent to get back together again. Which would mean you'd need to fully break up with each other. Which doesn't sound like what you are actually wanting in your heart at all (based on what you've written so far anyway).

    Speaking from experience, the fantasy of doing something can often turn out to be much more exciting or pleasurable then the reality of doing it. Yes, being with some other guys would let you say you had your 'wild teen' phase.

    It might let you say you had fantastic sex with a couple guys. It would probably let you say you had mediocre to bad sex with a greater number of guys.

    It might let you say that you got to try some new position or technique that you hadn't done before and that it was awesome. It would probably let you say you did pretty much the same stuff you do now, but with different guys and none of it was all that much better/different than what you were doing with your boyfriend.

    Based on how you've described your relationship with your boyfriend it might stand a good chance of causing you to break up with each other. You've indicated that he didn't mean it when he suggested a threesome (and didn't like the idea) and you've flat out stated that you don't like the idea of an open relationship or playing with others as a couple. I would suggest that forcing yourself to do this won't lead to gobs of happy joy for either of you.

    If the goal is to try new things sexually (new positions, new sensations, etc.) I'd suggest getting some books on the subject (Amazon probably sells half a dozen - note: The Joy of Gay Sex (most recent edition) isn't worth your time for this sort of thing) and maybe some toys and experimenting together.

    If the goal is to get a sense of having sex with a new person, maybe the two of you should look into roleplaying, whether just in the bedroom or even setting up 'chance meetings' where you pretend to be other people or something.If you want a hot, drunken makeout session in a club, then take yourselves to a club, have a few beers, find a dark corner and have at it. Or whatever turns you on.

    I guess the upshot of all this is that it sounds like you guys really care for each other and that you have a really good thing going on here. It would be a shame to mess that up for the sake of essentially scratching an itch that sounds like it has more to do with either a masturbation fantasy or a sense of what you think you should be doing (hey, everybody does it!) instead of what you really want to do.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
    #3 AKTodd, Aug 16, 2013
  4. DevilsMoonDance

    DevilsMoonDance Guest

    Tht helped a lot Todd! I do think it's probably the "me too?" Syndrome at play as before coming out I didn't like the idea of one night stands. I'll try to work through these issues. And yes I have very strong feelings for him which have been reciprocated and more. And we're both people who are very picky so it's a miracle we found one another. That's why all this is so torturing as i love him so much!!
     
    #4 DevilsMoonDance, Aug 17, 2013
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