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Think my friend is gay, but in denial. What should I do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WrthPanda, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. WrthPanda

    WrthPanda Guest

    Okay, I know this would be a lot reading, and background information. It's almost a book, NO just kidding. but here goes, really hope peoples would take their time to read this, and give me some different perspectives on my complicated situation. So here goes,...

    You see me and my best friend, we're both dudes by the way, has always been pretty close, but lately I feel much more awkward around him, for obvious reasons. It all started five years ago, when we were both 15, we are now soon to be 20, he is still 19. He was spending the night over at my house, and like we always did, we shared my bed (I have a king size bed, more enough for two people). That night (5 years ago) I did not fall asleep right away, but instead lied there awake, looking at the ceiling. I can remember that we both moved closer and close to each other through the night, and before I knew it we were both jacking each other off (please, no offense). I was awake the whole time, but he seem to be asleep (his eyes was atleast closed the whole time, even though I can't understand how it's even possible to jack your friend off while in your sleep). I still to this day do not know if he was asleep or fake sleeping, since none of us have ever talked about this little episode, and now five years later I think it's too late to even mention it, but maybe I am just scared of losing him. Even though we were still as good friends after this episode, we stopped to have our sleepovers, my friends reason for that?; "we were too old for sleepovers", he said.

    When we turned 17 we had a major fight, and it was ended by his mother which called me by phone, to tell me that he (my best friend) did not want to be around me anymore, and that I had to keep myself away from him completely. At first I did not understand what she meant, so me and his mother had a long talk afterwards, were she convinced me that I would make my best friend much more happier if I just stopped to "nag" him, and keep myself away from him. (yes, that was her words, she meant her son was tired of us being so close friends). I did not know if my best friend had told his mother about our sleepover two years ago, so out of both; fear, and in respect to my best friend's wishes, wanting him to be happy (even if it meant to lose him) I started to shutting him out. it was eating on me every day, but I pulled somewhat through, and got a "new" best friend, which actually was a girl. After 14 whole mount (with no connect what so ever with my old best friend) we slowly begun talk again. Mostly because I was invited to his 18th birthday, and that he got a car (half year before me). We both went to the same school and was in the same class, so I begun to ask him if he could drive me. I knew it was lame, but I used his car as a bad excuse to get closer to him again, and to my luck he said yes, but nothing more. We took just small baby steps at first, but after a two months time or so; we were good friends again (finally), and soon afterwards we begun to take regular walks together; every single day, talking about almost everything. We slowly become closer then we had been before (if possible). We would talk with each other through the computer every single day, walk together every single day, and when we were watching movies we were sitting really close, not minding at all to brush against each other.

    Of course it was all too good to last, and we got in a new fight half year before I turned twenty. This time however he gave me an ultimate; he told me that if this fight as well would result in me ignoring him again for what he called; "no reason at all", he would never forgive me. At first I was confused, so I told him that I had only done what I though he wanted, to stop nagging him, and done just what he had asked his mother to tell me. It appeared that it all had been a set up from his mother, and he swore to me that he did not have a clue that his mother was the reason for me to ignoring him for almodt a year.

    So here comes the tricky part, the last half year we have still been best friends, but still I feel he is a little distant at times. Sometimes he will meet my eyes, and I am certain that we than hold the gaze much longer than what seem to be normal for two guys, but other times he won't meet my eyes at all. He is also afraid of coming closer to me now, if we sit next to each other he would always jump away if I come too close, like I burn him, something he did not do before. And our regular walks has reduced dramatically as well. He has always been very homophobic, but the last time I mention it (three weeks ago) he told me for the first time that he did not have anything against gays anymore, which I actually do not get when he always before used every singel opportunity to bash homosexuals...

    I do have some other friends which I also are close to (but not as close as him), and he usually tease me about this girl, which was my best friend while we were fighting. Her birthday was a few days ago, so I wrote a rather joyful message on her facebook wall. My best friend do of course know that we are both just friends, but after I wrote on her wall today he did not answer any of my calls, and all I got was a snapchat some hours later, which he had took a rather miserable picture of himself, and I can honest say it is really rare to see him that unhappy. I told him to cheer up a little, but got no response. I know he might just had a bad day, and I might just image things, but still I think it's wierd that he is so up and down at times.

    This week I took notice of a new side of him aswell, or... I knew it allready, but anyways. He was over at my house, and we were watching movies, and playing Mario Party on my nintendo. And since my parent were out we were alone, just the two of us. And I can feel the akwardness between us is much more tense now, then it was a few weeks ago. He hardly talk when we are alone, and he seem so distant, thoughtful maybe, but I don't know. I feel like I am a 14 year old girl on her very first and super awkward date, where no one really know how to break the ice. Ugh, but we are both dudes, and have known each for 17 tears, so excuse the language, but what the F**k is wrong with us!?

    The crush I got on him, five years ago have not gone away over the years, but only grown stronger, but still I am scared. He gives me mixed signals all the time, and I can't just ask him. Because both are parents are very religious, and I know that both my mom and his mom hates gay people more than anything, really, since I have often heard them both talk about how wrong it is to be gay, and hell, and all of that stuff. I know that if my parents knew I was bi I would be abounded, and if it is so that my best friend isn't straight as well? (I do not know of course, that's the problem.) because I have tried to jokefully ask him, but he won't answer, and I never heard state his sexualety for that matter., but I know it would unlikely be approached good by his family as well if he ever turned out to be bi or gay.

    So can someone please help me out?

    Why is he so mixed with me?

    Do you think he is gay or not? And why would make you think so?

    I mean, we are (or were) very close, so why is he so afraid of being touched all of a sudden. None of us have ever had a girlfriend, and I never heard him say anything positive about a girl, he usually simply say they are useless, or joke about how everything is so much better about boys. I just can't figure him out, since one day he his close, and another day he seem more distant than ever. So please help me out, I am desperate, and do not know what all of this means. Thanks for your time, and all help are really really appreciated.
     
  2. ryanalexander61

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    It is tough to say. The thing is even if you are 99.99% sure a person is gay, say you hooked up or they tend to say a lot of things or all their actions indicate they are gay BUT they never say it, there is really nothing you can do. His actions may indicate he is gay or bi, but that doesn't really mean much. If I were to tell you that yeah he seems gay, really that may just give you false hope.

    If someone is gay and in denial, deeply in denial even there is nothing you can do. They aren't going to admit it, they won't be in a relationship because they haven't accepted it. Until they accept it for themselves, they will not be able to reciprocate your feelings and are just going to lead you on and/or hurt you. A person in denial may never come to grips or it may take years.

    My advice would be to continue being friends with this person, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. Try to meet some new people. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.
     
  3. Pat

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    Well, you know what you have to do. You just want alternatives and there really are none. You have to talk about it. Sure, you can wait, but eventually, you won't be able to anymore. You're already 20 and very aware of things. You have to let him know that you're gay and that you're making strides to become a better person and that you want to do it with him. If he doesn't accept that, then you have to be strong enough to move on. He's going to get in the way of anyone you want to see because there's something undone there. Even if you were with this guy, it's going to be hard because he seems to be completely in denial about it and doesn't really want to get on with the acceptance part of things.. which may or may not be him being gay exactly, but him at least acknowledging that you confuse the hell out of him and that he should likely figure out if he's gay or bi.. this is tough... with my straight friends, I end up having a bond with them that their girlfriends would normally have and it's a fine line. I've lost a few guy friends to that. It's an odd relationship and both people have to be mature enough to have it. I think you have to obviously come to terms with yourself first and then tell him that you're gay and see what he thinks about it. I wouldn't even go as far as to tell him how you feel about him in one big swoop. I think you should tell him you're gay and let that settle for a couple nights and instead of confessing everything you feel, try to gage him a little and say.. "Dude, how do you think I feel about you?" Or "What do you think I like about you the most?" Try to get some dialogue going to see if you can get him to speak up about what's going on with the two of you. And if he gives you some opening, just....reach out and grab this kid on the shoulder or whatever and tell him you love him and you've always loved him and that you need some clarity about what it is you guys are doing. I mean, it depends on his personality. If you think he would blow up as a result of you surprising him like that, maybe try putting it in a letter so he doesn't have to deal with a response right away. It all has to start with you being honest and telling him that he gives you mixed feelings.
     
  4. biggayguy

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    Your friend sounds like he's where I was thirteen years ago. In deep denial. Perhaps he's questioning but hasn't said anything to you because he's afraid. You will have to be the one with courage. You have to ask him where things stand between you. If he wants to stay in denial you have to decide how long to wait for him.
     
  5. resu

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    ^Very good advice by ryanalexander.

    You first need to repair your friendship. Ask him what's on his mind, or try to show him what aspects of the friendship you guys used to do and now you miss. Tell him you will be his friend no matter what; make him feel comfortable talking about anything and everything with you, as you used to do. Try to be as non-confrontational as possible so he doesn't clam up. Maybe you could do something out of the ordinary and helpful for him to show you care for him, which will reciprocate his generosity of driving you.

    What is the rest of his situation like? Maybe it's college issues, work issues, family/church issues, etc. that are distracting him. If his mom suspected you two were getting too close, then it sounds like he may not be as closeted as he wishes. In any case, the fact he said he "didn't have anything against gays anymore" is at least one positive sign he's changing. Maybe you could ask his opinion on a current LGBTQ news topic, such as the Russian anti-gay laws and the winter Olympics.
     
  6. s0523

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    Hi, even thought I'm a girl I can say ive been in your shoes before and id like to help you.

    To answer your first question, I dont know how much you can really do about him being so mixed with you. Theres no way to be sure why hes doing it but if i had to guess id say hes having trouble coming to terms with his sexuality. If a guy, or anyone never states their sexuality for sure, especially if your best friends for that long, you can be 99% sure their not straight. Straight people know their straight, and you do have the few that are extreamely homophobic but are actually gay and they know it, but thats not everyone although its something to consider. Hes most likely not sure what he is, and weather or not he should tell you. Probably b/c of his family and the way he was raised. If you have parents like that of course you wouldnt say anything about the fact you dont think your straight. And you dont jack off your friend while your asleep, it just doesnt happen. He was faking being asleep. And about the girl friend you had, and him sending you that picture, yes it sounds like he was upset that you said that to her. Who knows what went through his head, but probably something along the lines of he thinks your straight and wont get to have you. And about the eye contact, and being so whishy washy with his actions, if hes anything like me he'll give you an occasional sign but then try to cover it up with being really distant. Thats exactly what i do when I like someone A LOT. Its a way of distancing yourself so you dont risk getting hurt and so you wouldnt get the wrong idea. But all in all, I think it sounds like he likes you, at the very least he def has feelings for you but hes so unsure of how you feel about him. I think you should tell him how you feel about him, weather you have a crush on him or not, you need to tell him. And make sure thats the main point of the conversation, cuz if you say it like a joke hes gonna do the same. Tell him pretty much everything you put on here, and just tell him its been something youve been wondering about. And then take it from there. Good luck, hope all is well.
     
  7. Revan

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    Leave him be. He'll figure it out.
     
  8. srslywtf

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    Yep, leave him to figure it out himself. be there when he needs, but dont try to decide for him