uh... hi guys... well to sum things up quickly, i am straight but i am pretty sure that im curious because i think i have fallen in love with my best friend. not just a simple kind of love but a mixture of over-protectiveness, jealousy, obsession and basically i would just love to be with him forever... we first met in third grade and we were best friends since then, then our friendship gradually cooled off as we were allocated into different classes but then we were put in the same class again in eleventh grade (which is a year ago) and we discovered each other again and have been inseparable since. Ive been in a relationship with a girl before and i know that i enjoyed the making out the cuddling and the kissing but after i met him, i began to develop feelings for him MUCH more than those i had for the female. I grew up in a family where my mom suffers from severe clinical depression and anxiety disorder and she would hit me all the time and say extremely hurtful things. Naturally, dealing with it for 17 years ive grown to be somewhat oblivious to her treatment but whenever she hurts me really badly, all i do is talk to him and my day gets better again. Theres one thing about me and that is that i NEVER cry in front of other people. I believe that if i were to let my mother see me cry as a kid i would be losing a battle with her and that she would successfully have hurt my feelings again, thus that stopped me from crying in front of people. But a month ago, she slapped me in the face in front of my relatives and i was so embarrassed and furious. When i went back to school for a rehearsal my best friend ran down to greet me from the 5th floor and he immediately knew something was wrong. he asked me what was wrong and i said nothing and continued walking, dont get me wrong i am usually very hard to read. and then he opens his arms and pulls me into a hug. At first i reject it because i wasnt in a very good mood but then his persistence just pulled me in and we sat down by the stairs and i was still in his arms. I asked him to let me go but he only held tighter and replied "i wont let go until you tell me what happened and feel better" then he told me that he loved me more than anything in this world. and that was the VERY FIRST TIME ive ever cried in front of anyone. EVER. because i just suddenly felt a sensation of security and finally that somebody loves me in this world... He is the most caring person i have ever met and he tells people and myself that he has never had such a good friend (me) ever in his life and that he loves and values our relationship... i do selfless deeds for him and sometimes he gives me cold shoulders and shuns me and it actually kills me in the inside but whenver he sees me again he gives me massive hugs and tells me that hes sorry... People in our year always had suspicions that he is gay because he has never dated anyone ever before and he doesnt know anything about sex... he doesnt masturbate of fantasize about females and what have you... he used to tell me that he loves me every time and hes not afraid to do it in public. for example he would run up to me one day when i arrive at school and cuddle me for a whole five minutes on the basketball court (hes a basketball player) and says "hey buddy" or "hey babe" in that amazing voice of his and then tells me that he loves me. And hes extremely touchy and he hugs, bites and does many things to me. at first i found it awkward but then i suddenly realized that i loved it and that i needed him around.. I fell asleep on him in a houseparty while watching a movie with 20 friends and woke up after 4 hours to see that we were the only ones left in the dark room. the movie had ended ages ago. and hes staring into the distance and he says "oh babe ur up? i didnt go out for icecream with them because i didnt want to wake you up" and that was the best feeling ive ever had in my entire life. the transition came when it was nearing the exam period and i broke up with my girl. he videocalled me from 10pm at night to 9am in the morning just comforting me and before he left he said, "its ok babe i have you and you have me, its us against the world forever. i love you" and i was just left there weeping in my room because i was so happy that i think i had finally found someone for me forever. Then the exams got nearer and being really academically based (both of us) he stopped skyping me daily and i tried to message him but not as much. He gradually became much colder. No more pulling my head in for massive hugs, no more nibbling the back of my neck. No more telling me openly in public that he loves me. none of that. it was torturous for me. Then one day, he suddenly asked me if i was gay because i just returned from his house and before leaving at the gate, he held me in for a whole minute and we cuddled for the first time in weeks. He then suddenly asks me if i had a boner (which i didnt) but it was really weird and i told him that i loved him and he said that he loved me too. when i got home he started bombarding me with questions about my sexuality..... HE SEEMED SO intimidating that i denied being gay or bisexual. to this day i swear i still dont know if it was the right decision. He carried on seeing me once every week during the summer because we live 2 hours apart but i enjoyed every single moment i have with him. I have gone to the extent where he would tell me that he would message me when he gets back from basketball and when he doesnt after waiting till 4am i would plug in my earphones and put my skype notification on full volume so i would jump up when he finally messages me. Ive gone to THAT extent... before he used to nibble my neck, hug, tell me i love him, hold my hand, ask me to sit on his lap, let me sleep on his lap/muscular shoulders etc... he used to tell me to not go to the changing room to change because it was "inconvenient" and because i am a swimmer i am pretty confident with my body and i used to sometimes catch his eye sizing me up.. i really want the old him back... i would overcome any hardship imposed upon me just to be with him forever. I think the main reason for him changing from so intimate to somewhat avoiding contact (he still wants to be best friends) is that hes afraid of his sexuality... like honestly its not normal for a 17 year old straight male to not masturbate to females.... and he only changed because his friends kept making remarks about us. "omg you guys are like a couple" "get married already" "omg you guys are so cute" etc and i could tell that he didnt like it. then he proceeded to deleting my posts of "morning babe" or anyhting intimate on his wall and asks me to keep it within phone texting... why is he like this... my life is such a mess he tells me suddenly that hes not gay one day after cuddling and i didnt even know what to say to him. He had a massive chat about homophobia with me today when i watched his basketball game and he was telling me how scared he would be if he were gay of society's threats against the LGBT... i love him so much i want to help him as much as i want to be with him forever. i gave him a little nudge asking "would you rather be with a guy you can be forever happy with or with a girl just because you are obliged to please your family and avoid society's threats?" and he took a very long think and said he didnt know the answer to that and seemed very lost in thought and worried... recently i think ive been witnessing his worried look almost as if something is troubling him... and then i ask him why and he goes "i feel guilty that im not able to make a lot of time for you anymore" and i tell him that its alright and give him a hug... and almost like he realized that it was edging towards his old expressive, loving self, he immediately rephrased his words and said "oh not just you for other people too" but its one of those things that he says just to cover up... i really love him. like for the millionth time if there were anything i could do to be in a relationship with him i would be. he is my best friend and i think our friendship has gone past the friend stage. i think the entire year knows hes more like a boyfriend than a friend to me now. i really dont know what to do because his change is killing me. its ripping me apart from the inside. i cried so many times just because of the sudden cold things that he would never say... i am really worried and i want to be with him forever. my friends ask me to forget him and find a different best friend but honestly i am just hopelessly in love with him now... i am addicted to his hugs and all the love he gives me... what should i do... can someone please help me i think i am going to enter depression soon like my mother.... ):
I only accepted my sexuality after I fell in love with a girl. It sounds like you really care about this man in more ways than one! There's nothing wrong with caring for him! My best friend cuddled with me on more than one occasion and she reads LGBT fanfiction and all that and she has no problem with it. That also made it hard to be rejected, her actions made me feel like she cared more than she did. We can never know if someone likes us back until, well, we tell them we like them. However, confessing our deep, innermost feelings is never easy, especially when it's on the same sex. I hope you are able to continue to vent on here.
thanks... id do anything to patch this up. he saved me from the darkest point of my life and i dont even know if ill ever find someone like him ever again. any more advice from anyone regarding how i should treat him... i gave him space. i gave him everything we wanted.......
My best friend also saved me from the darkest point of my life. I think communicating is better than space. Ask him about how he's feeling and check in on him. He will probably respond well to that.
Communicate with him before he writes you off. Take your feet off the brakes and see what happens. Sounds like you'd regret it if you don't.
I totally feel for you, and for him; you seem way more sure of what you want and he keeps alternating hot and cold, but on his side he seems to be incredibly scared to admit that he's gay. If I were in your position I'd ask him one last time if he has any feelings for you and if he wants to give it a try, and if he's not ready then tell him you need to take some time and give each other space. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing, but you might find that you can rely on other friends in the meantime, or he might come around and realize you're worth it. Or maybe when you take space you'll realize that you can fall in love with someone else, and you and he can go back to being best friends. At the very least, this will help you assert some control over the situation, so that he can't jerk you around as much. One last thing: you are not your parents. Just because your mom has depression doesn't mean you're in the same boat. You are your own person and your future is bright.
how long since you guys last talked? you've been friends for a long Time and sometimes it goes beyond the friendship level... Now be careful about labels, that is something I'm sure he's afraid of, confused about and not ready to confront yet. not because he hasn't had a gf automatically qualify him for being gay. maybe he is like you a straight guy who just happens to be in love with his straight bestfriend. If you can have a time with him in private tell him about how he makes you feel, how important he is to you, how you miss him and the things he does to you, like how you put it here. Maybe he's just too scared like you, and needs to hear it from you because he's unsure. Ask him how he feels about you and how he see your friendship. Just be open and honest about it. See how he responds, Then take it from there. Good luck, Tc man, Keep us posted
thanks so much for the support guys... much much appreciated!! theres an update... i kinda talked to him through my bestfriend's facebook account because he happens to be pretty close to her too... and he told her that he felt like he was changing himself around me and that when hes around me, he loves the time we spend together but hes afraid to lose himself because im "making him into something he isnt"... to me im suspecting that hes really afraid to admit his sexuality because before he seemed to show every sign of loving me but now its like hes trying to distance himself because he says he doesnt want to change from who he originally was... i really really really really really really wanna make him change... like i can see how painful it is for him AND for me too... he told my friend that he felt so bad and genuinely guilty because he had to try distance himself. and hes given me th cold treatment for a while and now i think its finally stopping because niether of us can stand not having each other there. instead of giving me massive hugs and open words of "i love you" he chooses discreet places like behind the school cafe afterschool and gives me one of those amazing hugs... ive honestly never loved someone so much. all this has affected my personality, my grades and revision, my self confidence... i just dont know what i can do to make him change...
Hi Bibbleboo A friend told me this the other day and it really rang true, "it's not about finding the right person, it's about being the right person." Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help your friend change, you can only be 100% yourself and hope that makes him want to be with you. Any other course of action will most likely lead to you being hurt even more. You sound pretty awesome as it is, so just keep being you! Wishing you all the best.
It's not that he's changing, it's that he's discovering a part of himself that he didn't know existed. He's fighting to protect a label, which is sad, as who we are is suppose to determine our labels, not the other way around. The only thing you can help him "change" into is a person more accepting of himself. Hope you manage to do that, as it sounds like you two were super cute together.
thanks a million guys! well i talked to him through a bestfriend of mine because they happen to be pretty close too and he said that he felt horrible for having to do this but he wants to retain his original self and he felt like "i was forcing him to be something he didnt want to be". Im guessing hes referring to his homosexuality... but i dont know... i hope he finds truth and gets moved by my love for him. he gradually stopped the distancing and now hes resuming what he used to do. but in less public places. we now cuddle at the back of the cafeteria where noone can see and hes still the sweetest guy on earth. i love him so much but i really want to get him to accept who he is... ): any ideas? this has actually been troubling me day and night. so many sleepless nights :c ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2013 at 09:05 PM ---------- @adi i agree with you... i think he wants to retain his original label of the "straight basketball player who everyone loves" but seriously im still closeted and so is he. if we were to work out and have a relationship i swear it'll be so perfect and we shouldnt even have to publicize it... it could just be like the old times. me lying on his lap on the roof with him watching the stars and talking. the feeling is amazing. i miss it so much. its like having a really really sweet candy with an aftertaste that lasts for centuries :c ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2013 at 09:08 PM ---------- @wanderinggirl yea... ive tried switching to my other friends... im really extroverted and i dont mean to flaunt but i have quite a lot of close friends but honestly... nothing feels the same. nothing ever does. my friends all tell me to find a "new bestfriend" to rely on or just mutually distance myself from him... i just cant do it. i can deal with anyone else hating me. damn i could even deal with the world hating me if he would love me. just for his love. id do anything. anything.
bibbleboo, I've reread your initial post and I think you made a mistake when he asked you if were gay o bi and you said no. None of those labels may accurately apply to you, but you're obviously in love with him, and that makes you be not 100% straight. That's what you could've said, that recently someone has made you feel not 100% straight anymore. If you can't admit that in front of him, the guy you love, why are you surprised he is so in denial. Maybe he was looking for a nudge from you that day when he asked that, and your response just made him feel you too think that what you feel for each other is wrong and should be repressed. Why don't you just come clean to him about how you feel? I mean seriously, put all your cards on the table, tell him you're actually in love with him, that you can' stop thinking about him, that you need him by your side, and that you think he feels the same about you. Damn the labels and damn society, tell him all that's not important, only your happiness is.
well yea im from a place where homosexuality is a sin. like an actual sin and you get a lot of shit for being a homosexual or a bisexual. discrimination, hate, accusations, therapy, its probably going to make me uncover more twisted aspects of society. It might be easy for you to say from where you come from but the story is definitely different where i am from... We have a gay guy in our year and damn hes subjected to so much hate... and that adds so much to my burden... being closeted isnt really that easy tbh especially when you have your true love waving his toes in your face
I grew up being called gay all the times because my voice was high pitched and I wasn't that "boyish" so for me coming to terms with being gay was a lot simpler for me. I think you should tell him you are gay, or perhaps bi. I know that you have feelings for him but if you have had feelings for females too there is the possibly you are bisexual and not just gay. Either way I would tell him, and hopefully hearing you say it he will be more open and tell you about how he feels. In my own thought process you should follow other peoples advice though, since I have never been in that situation, either way good luck and I hope it works out for both of you
There really isn't any place where you won't get shit for being gay or bi. Some places are just worst than others. As my profile says, I come from Romania. It's a country much more religious than the US. In fact, only the Vatican and Islamic nations beat it in religiousness. It's so religious that coming out as an atheist was what almost got me kicked out of my parent's house, not being gay. Almost no one here is openly gay, and homosexuality was illegal 'till the early 2000s. It was only decriminalized due to pressure from the European Union, as it was a human rights violation. The majority of Romanians still think it should be illegal though. But despite all this, there are places much worse for gays than Romania. Where you live isn't one of them. You'll soon be finishing high school and going off to college, where you'll hopefully be surrounded by a more liberal crowd. There still is hope for you two, so don't give up.
