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Old 19th Aug 2013, 03:03 PM   #1
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Default Dating while in the closet?

Pretty much all my friends now know that i'm gay, but my family don't. I recently met a guy on ****** (Yeah, I know. Any thoughts on meeting people from that app would be good too) and he seems really nice and says he's not looking for one night stands so i'd like to meet him (for drinks in a public place first).

The problem is, if i'm late home from work mum would ask where i've been and i'm an awful liar, especially if i've been drinking... I just feel like whatever I say would come back to haunt me, and she'd find out I was lying. Is there really any way for me to go on dates without being out to my family, or is it time to really consider telling them? I mean, he's already invited me to stay at his sometime and that would be even harder to explain to mum.

Any ideas how I could go about this or if I should probably just come out..? Thanks!
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Old 19th Aug 2013, 03:11 PM   #2
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

I think it's time to consider telling them. You're entering a new phase in your life. Right now you're in between, and to be frank, you can't have best of both worlds. Besides, let's say that this guy turns out to be perfect for you, wouldn't it be tiring having to hide it away from your family? Though, it's hard to say that since I don't know your family nor your family background but if I was in your situation, I would definitely consider telling my family.
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Old 19th Aug 2013, 03:18 PM   #3
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

First of all, you're 18, which is to me an adult. Your mum shouldn't be that concerned with where you're at that you owe her an explanation for every waking moment of your life.

However, I think that coming out would be beneficial, because that way you could bring your boyfriend home with you if that's what you wanted to do.

As for 18+ apps, we're not allowed to discuss specific ones on EC. However, in general terms I think that you have to be very careful with the guys that you meet that way. The majority of them ARE looking for one night stands, even if they say they're not. There's also the practical matter of safety - STD's. A lot of these guys are likely extremely promiscuous, so if you do something with one, just make sure to stay protected, NO MATTER WHAT. Anyone with good intentions will understand this.
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Old 19th Aug 2013, 03:51 PM   #4
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

Thanks for the help, you're right in that it would be very difficult to hide from my family if we did start a relationship. I had a relationship before and it was difficult, but he lived a bit closer and went to my school so it made things easier than it would be with this new guy.

I think my family (well, at least my immediate family) would be ok with it but I still find it really hard to tell them and I don't know why. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it, I thought about sending a text or using a letter but then I just imagine it all being very awkward when I got home from wherever I was.

This was in reply to Kenny221, sorry I forgot to quote it.

---------- Post added 19th Aug 2013 at 11:56 PM ----------

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Originally Posted by RainbowMan View Post
First of all, you're 18, which is to me an adult. Your mum shouldn't be that concerned with where you're at that you owe her an explanation for every waking moment of your life.

However, I think that coming out would be beneficial, because that way you could bring your boyfriend home with you if that's what you wanted to do.

As for 18+ apps, we're not allowed to discuss specific ones on EC. However, in general terms I think that you have to be very careful with the guys that you meet that way. The majority of them ARE looking for one night stands, even if they say they're not. There's also the practical matter of safety - STD's. A lot of these guys are likely extremely promiscuous, so if you do something with one, just make sure to stay protected, NO MATTER WHAT. Anyone with good intentions will understand this.
Thank you for the help too It's not so much that she tries to monitor me, she's just genuinely interested and asks out of that interest. If I turned around and said I won't tell her where i'm going she would be instantly suspicious..

I suppose that would be good, but as I said in my other reply, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I guess I need to figure out if I think the possibility of relationships in the future is worth it...

Sorry about the specific mention, I forgot that rule. If it turned out he was just looking for a one night stand then I would be disappointed but I could cope with it if that happened so I think it's worth that risk. I mean he had on his profile that he wasn't looking for that kind of thing - he didn't just say he wasn't when I said I wasn't. But yes, I'd be sure to be safe, thanks!

Last edited by kizza111; 19th Aug 2013 at 03:52 PM.. Reason: Forgot to quote message i'm responding to.
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Old 19th Aug 2013, 08:01 PM   #5
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

Bad idea to date when still in the closet.

There are too many instances where an out person gets involved with a closeted person, and the whole situation of hiding the relationship, hiding that they are lovers sooner (than later) becomes a major thorn in the relationship's side. I recently read a fella who was pulled screaming out of his closet when his lover in a fit of angst announced at the closeted fellows folks that they were a couple.

You might be lucky and hit that one special, patient fellow - but understand that this sort of mixed relationship becomes strained real fast.

People don't like to have to hide how they feel about their special person. Having to hide it makes them feel there is something wrong with them.

Maybe if you need a support system and are basically, mostly ready to tell the folks - maybe yes more guys would be willing to step over that line. However you need to be 110% certain that you are ready and just waiting for the right guy to support you through the process.
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 01:13 PM   #6
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

I do not recommend dating guys off mobile apps. After a year of trying, the men I dated soon turned out to just want sex rather than a relationship. I think it would be better for you to be patient and meet someone in a more traditional fashion than make the same mistakes I have made
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 01:23 PM   #7
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elf Wynd View Post
Bad idea to date when still in the closet.

There are too many instances where an out person gets involved with a closeted person, and the whole situation of hiding the relationship, hiding that they are lovers sooner (than later) becomes a major thorn in the relationship's side. I recently read a fella who was pulled screaming out of his closet when his lover in a fit of angst announced at the closeted fellows folks that they were a couple.

You might be lucky and hit that one special, patient fellow - but understand that this sort of mixed relationship becomes strained real fast.

People don't like to have to hide how they feel about their special person. Having to hide it makes them feel there is something wrong with them.

Maybe if you need a support system and are basically, mostly ready to tell the folks - maybe yes more guys would be willing to step over that line. However you need to be 110% certain that you are ready and just waiting for the right guy to support you through the process.
Yeah it was definitely a huge problem in my previous relationship and a large part of why we broke up. Ok so everyone seems to agree to not date in the closet - but what about even just going ON dates? I mean i'd like to meet a guy, and then like you said, have his support when I come out.

But while I go on dates I still find the idea really difficult like I said, if I go out and on one and my mum starts asking where i'm going... Coming out in a relationship I could then consider later down the line.

---------- Post added 20th Aug 2013 at 09:26 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by DrAdam View Post
I do not recommend dating guys off mobile apps. After a year of trying, the men I dated soon turned out to just want sex rather than a relationship. I think it would be better for you to be patient and meet someone in a more traditional fashion than make the same mistakes I have made
I appreciate the concern but I think that's a risk i'm willing to take - due to some complicated circumstances, I've basically been left in a gap year (a year out working before going to uni, don't think americans use this term?) with pretty much only one friend. How i'm going to meet guys without using an app like this I simply don't know now, at least for a year. I suppose I could wait that long, but I really don't want to :/. I'm not a fan of being single.
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 02:08 PM   #8
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Default Re: Dating while in the closet?

Ok so i am in the closet to my parents still but this is how i think i would handle this situation.. if i ever met someone i liked and went on a date i would just say im going out with a friend from work..and for the time being i would just say she is my friend i guess, and just let her know that im planning on coming out to the parents as soon as possible so things dont start to get complicated so atleast she would know i am making an effort to come out and not keep her a secret forever. Hope that helped
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