I wish I was in love with her...

So, a couple months ago, I met this amazing girl online. I mean, really amazing. Probably the most spectacular human being I've ever met. And we hit it off. We've literally texted, facetimed, and called each other all summer, with hardly a break in-between. She lives far away, and at first that really freaked me out. I wrote a post about two months ago in crisis after I told her I didn't know if I could handle the distance. It crushed her and I felt horrible because I truly really like her. But after that post I decided to go for it, and to try the LDR thing.

So, we've been dating for almost two months now. And in that two months i've experienced the most euphoric of joys at being with her and the most skin-crawling onsets of anxiety. Anxiety because i don't trust myself, i'm afraid of hurting her, i'm afraid I can't handle the distance, i'm afraid i'll lose her because I'll fuck up and I won't have the feeling for her anymore. And, of course, joy because I really like her and we've had some awesome moments together.

We talked about what's been stressing me out today. I didn't go into that much detail, but I told her that I was afraid of breaking her heart and I was afraid of losing her and that's what's been causing me to stress out lately (although honestly, it's been bothering me off and on since we've been going out. One moment, I feel amazing. The next, I feel like the world is caving in because I'm freaking out and thinking that maybe I don't like her and I'm going to wreck her and i'm full of doubts).

She was amazing, as usual, after I told her, saying to not worry about her and do what makes me happy. That'd she would be cool if I decided I didn't want this anymore. She's deeply in love with me, i know it would destroy her, but she's so goddamn awe-inspiring that she's completely understanding and compassionate. I told her I didn't want to break up, that it's just the fear of breaking her heart that's been bothering me. Which is true... to an extent. There have been a lot of days that i've considered breaking up with her because I'm afraid.. so afraid.. of all of this. Especially the fear that i'm leading her on and that i'll just hurt her in the end. Is this a valid fear? I don't know. My head if fucked up. I really like her, i know that.

I've realized something. I really, really want to be in love with this girl. I want it because I want all her dreams to come true. I want it because I don't want to hurt her, like I did last time. I want it because how am I supposed to be responsible for massacring someone's heart like that? I want it because I really like her. I really care about her. I want her to be happy. But the sad truth is, i'm not in love with her. No matter how much I want to be.
This whole time i've been trying so, so hard to be, but i'm not.
I do, however, feel a lot for her. Romantic and sexual feelings, included. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I dont know why. I dont understand myself.

So I don't know what to do. Should I break up with her? Part of me wants to, part of me wants to escape the stress i've loaded on myself in this relationship. But thats the problem it all me. It's my anxiety, my fuckedupedness that has caused every single problem i've come across. Not her. Should I really make her suffer because i'm defective?

The other part of me wants to salvage the relationship. Tell her that i'm not in love with her, but I do like her a lot and I want to make this work. Be honest, stop fooling myself. And then hopefully she'd be okay with that and we'd stay together and eventually i'd move to her location and yaddayaddayadda.

So I don't know, EC. Please help. This girl is everything to me. I don't want to make the wrong move. I want to do what's right. :help:

 

If I loved her, would I be doubting everything every five seconds? I don't feel a perpetual burning passion for her. I mean, sometimes i get the whole fiery feeling, but I think I mostly just care about her. Sometimes I worry that i'll forget about her because of the distance... if I was in love with her, how would I forget about her? Dude, i dont know. All I know if that she seems to feel a lot more for me than I do for her. Which makes me hate myself.
I don't know if I could see myself with her forever. The concept just scares the shit out of me.

 

Commitment is part of it, yes. After all, what if I move to where she is and then it doesn't work out? Identity? probably part of it.. sometimes my mind tries to make her into a man, which is strange.
But mostly i'm afraid I'll lose feelings for her, forget her, hurt her. That's what i'm insanely fearful of. I don't want to do that to another person. It would take her years to recover.

 

We've talked about me moving there and moving in, but after our talk we've decided we're moving too fast and to just see where we stand after I visit her in a few months.

No, i would not prefer a male partner. I think it's part of internalized homophobia, honestly. Like my mind is still processing that i'm a girl that likes another girl.

I'm not uncomfortable with her, really. It's me. I just have so many doubts and fears.

 

I don't know. I always thought it was my anxiety that made me crazy. If i had to guess, it might be fear of losing control. I've been trying too hard to control my feelings.

 

yes. and i've been trying to do that, but it's ridiculously hard for me. I'll keep trying though!