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Passwords

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Islander, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. Islander

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    This may be quite long, but would really appreciate anyone's input :slight_smile:.

    First let me start by stating that I am one month off 19 years old, which is legally an adult where I live, and I am about to go to university.

    I am going on holiday shortly for just over a week, and I will have access to wifi which I can use with my iPod to check emails etc. My mother is desperate for me to give her my email password so that she can monitor any emails that may come in regarding university. Everything has already been confirmed, and whilst I would like to believe that she is just doing it because it's in my best interests, I can't help but sense that she would like to snoop through my emails as well. She's not generally a very trustworthy person, and has tried to get passwords off me before.

    About a year ago I started using UCAS (for those in other countries, this is the website you use to accept and reject university offers) and she wanted the password for that. She claimed that it was simply to make sure that I wouldn't miss any updates (quite insulting that she thought I wouldn't be organised to check myself) and promised that she wouldn't accept or reject uni places on my behalf. However, I had a suspicion that this was not true, and I later overheard her talking to my dad when she thought I was out, saying how she seriously wished she had my password so that she could control what university I go to. So my instinct was right.

    She's making it into a guilt trip, saying that I don't trust her and I hate her (exactly the same guilt trip she used for the UCAS password) but I just don't want her snooping through my personal emails, especially seeing as I am still closeted and wouldn't want her to find anything that might give me away.

    Am I being unreasonable in not giving her my password? She's now refusing to talk to me before I go away on my trip, and I can't tell whether she's just guilt-tripping or genuinely hurt (my instinct says the former).

    Thanks for you help, if you've managed to read this far :slight_smile:

    Islander
     
  2. BMC77

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    I think you are doing the right thing in refusing to give her your password. There is absolutely NO reason why she should have it. You are an adult. You can take care of your own affairs. And, as you point out, you can check e-mail while on vacation.
     
  3. SomeNights

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    my passwords are my passwords. The only person that I've ever told one of my passwords to is a co-server admin who I highly trusted and that password was just so he could change a few settings on a network. Besides that, no-one gets my passwords! no matter how much they beg or plead. if they do need my password for something, usually i'll either enter it in myself or change it for them temporarily and then change it back.

    Oh and to make my post somewhat comical I love where sharing root passwords is on this diagram.
     
  4. BMC77

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    No one--and I mean no one--gets my passwords under any circumstances.

    And I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing someone else's password, even though I know I wouldn't abuse it. Years back, I had a roommate, and I'd occasionally do computer tech work on my roommate's computer. When a password was required, I just dragged my roommate over to type it in.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    You could always demand her credit card and pin number. When she says no, politely remind her that she is demanding you trust her with your private emails!
     
  6. qwr42

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    Yeah, i need to change my passcode on everything because i had to give them one of my passwords a while ago and they've been snooping in my stuff -__-

    Since you are an adult, tell them to back off. They no longer have a right to be in your stuff.
     
  7. BlueLines

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    Parents and passwords just never mix...
     
  8. Islander

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    They're now using more guilt trips i.e. 'I've paid for this and that' and 'if you don't give us your password we will x y and z'. How do they not see/care that this is an invasion of my privacy?
     
  9. BookDragon

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    Seriously, ask them for their passwords to things. You need to make them understand that trust works both ways.

    If I may ask, what exactly are they threatening to do if you don't give 'em the password?
     
  10. Jared

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    My mom tried to get my AppleID password to track my iPhone last year when I was moving back to LA for school. She was furious that I wouldn't let her know my whereabouts whenever she wanted. I told her that she had no right to know where I am 24/7 and even if she did get my password out of me, I'd change it within five minutes.

    Some parents need to learn to respect boundaries and your mom is one of them. I agree with your decision completely.
     
  11. Islander

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    They're threatening to not pay for stuff etc.

    Basically all they do is pay for stuff, and not even very much anymore, seeing as I have a job. I've never felt that I can trust them, or come to them for sound advice etc. I don't confide in them anymore, like I used to as a young child, because my mum is a gossip and she will usually use any insecurities I have against me in a cruel manner.
     
  12. Jared

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    lmao it's funny cuz I know my mom's password to almost everything, along with her credit card numbers. She can choose to share with me whatever she wants, but I'm not obligated to give it to her in return, I never asked for her info.
     
  13. Chip

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    The very fact that she said she "wants to control which university you go to" is enough reason, in and of itself, to not give her passwords to anything. That's very passive-aggressive, controlling behavior. It's also an appalling lack of boundaries on her part.

    The way I'd suggest approaching it is gently telling her that you love her and respect her, but that you are an adult, and part of being an adult is setting clear boundaries, and one of those boundaries is that you will be keeping your passwords private. It doesn't mean you don't love her, or don't trust her, it simply means that, as an adult, you're entitled to keep certain boundaries, and her attempts to violate those boundaries, or to try to guilt you, are not respectful of you, or your needs or boundaries.

    People with bad boundaries HATE it when you set boundaries, so expect every manipulation in the book for her to get what she wants, but it's important you hold firm and set this limit, as it will, in the long term, help to establish a healthier relationship with her.

    Edit: As far as the threatening to not pay for stuff... that takes it up a notch, and is even more controlling. I suggest calling them on it. One of my friends, when he was going through the same issues with his mother, eventually just said "Look, I'm 18, and so while I may need your financial support, how you handle this situation will be a huge factor in how our future relationship develops. If you persist in this sort of emotional blackmail, I'll give in for now, and it will likely permanently damage or even destroy our relationship. But if you respect my boundaries, we can continue to talk, and I can continue to keep you in the loop about things. It's your choice." It took a number of discussions like this, and even some periods where he didn't speak with his mom, but she eventually got the message.
     
  14. BookDragon

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    It's also possible having thought about it, that this might have come from a place of genuine worry since in your own words you " don't confide in them anymore ".

    Maybe try telling her stuff that won't negatively impact you somehow and she might back off a bit. But definitely don't give her your password ever, even under torture :grin:
     
  15. Islander

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    Thanks for your advice, perhaps she'll cool down overnight this time. Though she is still going on about the UCAS password and that was a year ago.

    The problem is, she's not a very reasonable person, so any reasonable arguments don't tend to work with her. Last time this happened, one of my teachers became somewhat concerned by my mother's controlling behaviour and helped me write a letter logically and respectively laying out the reasons why I should be entitled to keep my password to myself as an adult, but my mother just threw the letter aside and said it wasn't good enough.

    We have a rather strained relationship as it is, and I just don't want to make it any worse.

    I guess the best option is to try and become as financially independent as possible in case they cut me off (won't help if they find out I'm a lesbian too!) and give her an ultimatum like Chip said.
     
  16. Data

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    I wouldn't give her anything. Honestly, I would go around and CHANGE all your passwords so the ones she has aren't the same anymore, and the possibility of any passwords that were stolen without your knowledge via internet history or key logging programs is completely taken care of once and for all.

    She will snoop. I'm positive.

    My mom wants me to link my bank account to hers. She says "Oh it'll be so easy to transfer money." and I say "No way in hell am I doing that. You'll steal money when you're mad at me, you'll overdraft your account and it'll come out of mine, and you simply have no right linking anything in that manner." That made her mad, and while it might have been insulting, it's the truth. That women overdrafts all the time.

    She wants my phone password, my email password, my bank linked, ALL of those are not allowed by me PERIOD.
     
  17. Islander

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    Ok now she is saying how disappointed she is that I am still refusing to give her my password like last year. She's using emotional blackmail and saying that it's clear that I have just been pretending to love her and have just been using her for money, but I still can't trust her.

    I said it wasn't a matter of money or love, but one of privacy and personal boundaries. She responded by saying 'where were your boundaries when you took all my money to go to school? ' (I didn't 'take' it, I was 7 at the time I moved to private school).

    Anyway, she is now refusing to give me any money for university, but I still will not let her bully me into giving her my password.

    Does anyone in England know of any way that I could get money off uni fees or something, if she sticks with this threat?
     
  18. BookDragon

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    Did you point out that you were 7 to her?

    Can you get a student loan? I know where I am there are local charities that consider giving money to stuff like that...was it the town lands charity I dont know...
     
  19. Islander

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    Yes I have a student loan, but it won't cover all the costs of living in London
     
  20. Chip

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    If you're even interested in engaging her, point out that it isn't about trust, but about appropriate boundaries. She doesn't discuss the intricacies of her sex life with your dad, you don't share certain parts of your life, including your passwords.

    That's so ridiculous that it really doesn't warrant a response, but if you wish to respond, you could say "Paying for an education for a child is something that a responsible parent does without strings, particularly when the child is 7 years old. You made that decision, not me, and your attempts at emotional manipulation are going to backfire and alienate me from you, so I suggest you back off."

    My guess is she's playing chicken. I seriously doubt she'll actually, at the end of the day, let you lose the opportunity to go to school over a silly password issue, but if she does, you can fight back by cutting her out of your life, at least temporarily. It's a profound decision, but for parents who are behaving in as toxic a manner as she is, it is often the only way of setting clear boundaries, by resetting the rules of engagement.

    I don't have info on that, but I'm sure that some of our other members might be of help. You might PM Martin.