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How to go about a relationship with a really shy boy?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Justabutt, Aug 22, 2013.

  1. Justabutt

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    So I think it's only fair if I am going to talk about his personality I should talk about mine, this way if there is fault with me I can make strides to counter my behavior and lessen the stress and anxiety on him.

    I am 21, gay, in college in a college town (Chico, Ca) and over the whole college town lifestyle. No one here seems ready to even utter the words commitment and I am. As a junior I only have a year before I am thrust into the work force which limits my chances a bit to really make a relationship. I am relatively extroverted, I find it easy-ish to make conversation and invoke responses from people either online or off. I am a nerd so I tend to geek about stuff but I am not necessarily stamped as the cliche, stereotypical image of either a geek nor nerd. I tend to pursue the things I either want or need, which in this case I would like to be with this boy so I am pushing forward with my greatest efforts to coax him out of his shell without smothering him. I enjoy outdoorsy activities such as camping, trail hiking, etc. and do often go snowboarding when I can. I'd say I am pretty typical, somewhat confident and independent ( though my mom and dad still help a bit ha ha ha).

    I've exhausted myself with trying to be outgoing in my city. I've done the bar scene, the friends of friends hookups, the college LGBT club, The late night party scene with nothing more than a few fizzles and a whole lot of take-you-out types who expect you to pay full well with something that involves you and your comfy bed. So I took a chance with ******. . . I know, I really do. One who is looking for something serious shouldn't look on this site!! You know the odd part though? I met a boy the same age as me who is interested in the same-exact things I am. Anime, games, music, film and photography!! I was shocked. The catch-22 is that he's incredibly shy, a virgin, not out and refuses to move past the Skype phase it seems. It's been nearly a week and a half with no movement, I've invited him to shows, to diners, to even something as simple and impersonal as coffee. When I confronted him about this he told me he had physical and emotional feelings for me but he was rather shy.

    I do not know how to move him past this stage, I haven't ever had a real relationship my only experience being one-off dates and fuck buddies. I am rather serious and willing to deal with a lot for some sort of emotional relationship and I really do feel strong, magnetic ties to this boy. Has anyone ever dealt with a shy boy/man before, how long before you were able to coax him to take a chance? Am I being maybe too direct and upfront which could be scaring him a bit? I do message him daily but I am only trying to let him know I have desires for him and want to care for him. I know I shouldn't play my entire hand on him, I should keep open but I haven't felt this type of connection with someone since high school in my teeny-love-stage. Thanks in advance for all advice and sorry about the long post! ^_^
     
  2. Justabutt

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    I don't mean to be rude kiddo but I am trying to ask more experienced individuals. Your input is respected but I would like real-world experience. If this place was meant for teens then it seems I am in the wrong place, I thought this would have a mixture of ages ^^.
     
  3. Jared

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    Part of the problem might be that Chico isn't in the most gay friendly part of California, I grew up 30 minutes away. A lot of gay guys I know there are afraid of doing anything with a guy cuz they don't want to be found out. I'm pretty shy myself and was scared shitless the first time I met up with a guy, even though it was in LA. He does need to meet you in person though if he expects it go anywhere. I would ask him if he felt better meeting somewhere not as public, assuming a fear of being outed is his problem.
     
  4. JamesDE

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    Just because I didn't give out the advice you were looking for doesn't entitle you to be patronising. This forum is about support, not telling someone that their opinion is useless because of their age.
     
  5. Jared

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    I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. But honestly you're unlikely to be able to provide the kind of advice the OP is looking for, most 14 year olds don't have relationship experience and if they do it's often different from the kind of experience older teens/ twenty something's would have, big difference in maturity. Now the OP didn't phrase it the most tactful way, but his point is still valid. And yes this is a support forum, but the OP is new here so cut him some slack.
     
  6. Justabutt

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    Good point Jared. The only stipulation I have is how do I persuade him that it's nothing more than a first-meet? I could easily invite him to my small apartment, ha ha, I just don't know if he'll see it as that. I think he'll see that as an invitation to my bed, which could be a good thing for him or bad. Either way I don't want him thinking I just want sex. Keep 'em coming guys and I will try and keep an open mind. Speaking to you kiddo, wasn't trying to induce anger honest.
     
  7. Jared

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    The only thing you can do is tell him that inviting him over isn't an invitation for sex and hope takes it a face value. I might ask him why he's so hesitant to meet up in person, I mean I get being shy, but if you're skyping with him I assume you're okay with the quirks of his shyness.

    Oh just caught the part about him not being out, I think that's a big part of it. Coming out in the part of CA is not easy and may not be well received by a lot of people. And meeting up with you in person may make being gay seem more real so to speak and also make coming out seem more inevitable.
     
  8. Chip

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    Just for the record, EC is, indeed, a community of people from early teens to 70s. And if you hadn't just run off half of the people on the forum with your rather patronizing comment, you might have discovered that some of the most sage and useful advice often comes from people who are 14 or 15 or 16... but have understanding and insight far beyond their years. So perhaps a little decorum might be called for in the future :slight_smile:

    Now... onto your actual issue.

    I think Jared has a point. I live close enough to Chico to know something about the political climate there and it's not the most welcoming place for someone who's grown up there. Couple that with someone who is presumably totally closeted and... he's likely terrified.

    I can definitely remember a period when I was just starting to come out, and scared to death that, even meeting up with a guy, I might run into someone I'd know, and the Whole World would know my secret. A pretty irrational thought, but it is very real to someone just coming out in a less-than-welcoming place.

    So two thoughts: First, if you hope to develop any sort of connection with him (friendship or relationship), you're going to have to be really, really patient. Even once he's ready to come out, it's still going to be terrifying, and probably very slow. So it might be a year or more before he's ready to do anything in public where anyone might see him. And it's possible that he may have hang-ups about sexual activity as well, because being closeted carries an awful lot of shame with it that takes time to get past. So it could be a long time before he's comfortable with sexual activity as well. So if you aren't prepared to be extremely patient, this is likely a no-go. If you are patient, it could be something that works.

    Now, assuming you are patient, then I'd take the approach of giving him control of the situation. Ask what he'd like to do, or what could help him feel more comfortable with meeting. Perhaps you could suggest meeting late at night somewhere, like a deserted starbucks, or a back corner of a Denny's where no one's likely to be around. Or some place a few miles from where he lives. Point out that sitting across the table from another guy doesn't look remotely unusual, and promise that you won't show up wearing pumps and a party dress, and that no one (except him) will ever suspect he's a gay guy meeting a gay guy. And tell him the first meeting can be 10 minutes or 30 minutes or an hour or whatever he feels comfortable with, and he can set whatever rules make him comfortable.

    It's never easy being an out gay guy with a friend or partner who's closeted, but if he's thinking about coming out, then if you're thoughtful and patient, it could be a good situation for both of you.
     
  9. Jared

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    I think the late night/deserted place would be a good idea. The Starbucks by Best Buy is pretty much dead at night in my experience. And Starbucks seems to be a pretty gay place to begin with, I know so many gay guys who work there. You also might suggest meeting somewhere besides Chico, granted the other towns around there are less gay friendly, but there would be a smaller chance of him running into someone he knows. Patience is definitely key, if you try to drag him out of the closet before he is ready will only alienate him.
     
  10. Viridian

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    At 21 years old and a college student no less, I would imagine there should be a level of maturity and tact, especially when one is in the position of asking for advice.

    Sorry, but being "new" to a support forum doesn't give one a free pass to be rude and ungrateful.

    @OP

    First off, you need to learn some internet manners. Also, not cute to keep referring people as "kiddo". With your attitude, I'm not surprised if your guy is seeing some serious red flags from your conversations and it's probably one of the reasons why he is hesitant on meeting you.

    Want to lure him out? Make him feel more comfortable and safe. Shy people takes awhile to come out of their shells, so a week and a half is not nearly enough time to feel comfortable. As long as you are not acting creepy and desperate, eventually he'll accept your requests.

    There is a possibility that he's afraid of being recognized in public places (as he's not out), so maybe suggest things that are public, but at the same time, not crowded...?
     
  11. resu

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    It has only been a week and a half since you first met him? That sounds like almost no time at all. Also, what is his personal situation like? Maybe he has family issues or is dependent on parents.

    Also, your confidence and plethora of extroverted activities sounds a little intimidating (maybe he feels ashamed to not be so involved). I am probably similar to the guy you're talking with in terms of interest, and I think he probably considers you being too forward. Besides, using the "I'm geeky, but I'm not really a nerd" spiel is self-defeating because it sounds pretentious (which goes against the egalitarian nature of most nerds/geeks).

    This guy sounds introverted, which is not a bad thing or a sign of social immaturity (though American culture greatly favors extroversion). Introverts feel drained of energy when in social situations and are thus not very outgoing, unlike extroverts who feed off those circumstances. Actually, if you want to learn more about this (and probably learn things about yourself), you might check the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" by Susan Cain. You could even give it to this guy. Like others mentioned, you need to find more private places to meet. I know I'm much more comfortable talking to people one-on-one or, at most, with a small group of friends.

    You already listed what you both like, so why don't you invite him to watch some anime or play some video games? Even hiking sounds like a low stress opportunity for you two to be alone (or semi-alone) and yet not give the immediate connotation of sex that inviting him to your home would suggest. That would also give you good opportunities to practice photography together.
     
  12. Justabutt

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    Hahah, alright guys I get it. I do, I'm sorry about my post, it wasn't meant to offend what-so-ever. I honestly only wanted to shift away from teens to someone closer my age and didn't see the post as anything but that. Thanks for the advise, a lot of it makes a ton of sense, I've been out since 16 so I suppose I sort of lost connection with how it feels to be closeted. Also Resu I think you missed the whole point about my geeky/nerdy side. What I was saying is that from my appearance, the way I act, to, heck, the clothes I wear you'd never guess I was a nerd. That is till you entered my room and saw the monumental amount of anime/movie/comic hero junk I have every where hahah. I just don't fit the stereotypical image, so most guys are shocked/surprised at first :b

    On another note I think he lives at home with his mother and attends college? I haven't asked really what he does I only know he wants to be in music, which I suppose is quite open. Point being I think the whole stigma of social acceptance is really going to dwindle my odds. The only thing I think I can be is accepting, supporting and patient. If you guys have more advise keep it coming, I'll do my best not to be patronizing nor incompetent!!
     
    #12 Justabutt, Aug 23, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2013