I've honestly finally right now just get over the thoughts of why I shouldn't. No one judges here. I'm comfortable. Why not just put it out there just to have some people to talk to. This is going to take a lot for me, so bear with me. I'm a trans-male and I'm dying to move on with my life and start my transition but I have an obstacle currently. I've been with a guy for the past three years of my life, nearly four. We've had a LOT of issues in our relationship, but I feel really clingy with him simply because it's one of the first real relationships I've been in and I just love love in the most innocent sense of it all. Here's the issues though. issue number one. His best friend is gay, like myself. Two years ago, his best friend had come out to me first and I to him. I barely knew the guy, but we got a lot closer after this and really began to love each other as friends. We never did anything, we just talked about our lives and were really open with each other. We knew we deeply cared for each other, but never planned anything or did anything in any sense. After talking for a few months, he fell back into denial and told my boyfriend everything, really throwing me under the bus with everything except me being trans. My boyfriend got incredibly upset with me and called me a slut and a cheater, not knowing the fact that I am trans. My boyfriend has blamed me and been sexually and physically abusive ever since, for two years now after the fact. We've tried going to a couples therapist, though I've never been honest with them about this in worries that he will be arrested. He also has issues coming to terms with the fact that he treats me as he does now and says he can't admit it to himself so how can he to a professional. As you can tell, the therapy never works. I know what you're possibly thinking, leave the guy. But it's been really hard for me, as I really do care about him. Issue number two. He was sexually abused by a family friend who was male as a child and was physically abused by his gay brother for years. He is incredibly homophobic now. So I'm at a loss in trying to really work this out with him. Any friend he finds out is gay, he immediately stops talking to them and pulls away from the friendship. I care about him, I really do. I want to be there for him. But I know that it's likely impossible, as he has maaaajor trust issues. Issue three. He lives with me. I pay for the apartment and such, as he got laid off. We get into fights a lot (usually he initiates because of how mad he is at me.) Whenever I tell him to get out, either he gets incredibly violent and scares me half to death, or he starts to pack his stuff and I panic and give in to keeping him there. Another issue: I basically have no friends now that I've dedicated all my time to trying to keep him happy. All of his friends basically hate me for what I did to him (of course he makes me look like such an awful person) and all of my friends are off at college in different states and we've seemingly just lost touch. I'm incredibly unhappy in my life and I am desperately trying to move on but I just don't know what to do right now. I love the guy, you know? He means a ton to me. But I just know there is no way we're ever going to move past our differences. It's simply not something that can be fixed. I'm currently seeing a therapist and she thinks it is in my best interest to try to move on but I'm having a hard time even explaining this to her in worry for his sake. Maybe he doesn't deserve my mercy, I don't know. I think I just care too much. :tears:
Therapy never works if you hold back. I know you probably know that already and it's hard to say stuff if you think its going to hurt someone you care about but seriously it will never and CAN never work if the person trying to help doesn't know whats going on. But anyway. So I apologise now, but abused or not your guy sounds like a dick. If the who abuse thing has really led to how he acts now, he needs help. Professional medical help. More importantly you don't have to sit there and take whatever because he's had a crap time of it. I don't sound very concerned about this guys issues, and I'm sorry about that. It must be hell for the dude and getting help is hard especially if you can't see the problem yourself but it's no excuse for behaviour as you describe.
yeah, it's been really hard trying to work things out for the both of us, as I honestly can't really talk about this with anyone in my life, as they already don't really like the guy and his family and friends don't know and honestly probably wouldn't care much about it if he told them. I think he needs help too, just I think he's in a lot of denial. I know I don't have to take his crap but I just have a hard time not doing so. I feel almost guilty like I caused him to be like this. He was much much nicer beforehand but it's always been me working my ass off to keep him happy so I guess it's really not that he was nice but that I was doing what he wanted me to. Oh, and to mention. I hate having sex with him. Hate hate hate it. I can never find myself enjoying it, even if it isn't vaginal. He just isn't the right guy for me I suppose. It's really hard to be comfortable with it though when I'm not even comfortable with my body and I can't even begin to explain that to him.
He didn't want to drive me to work today to top it all off.. I jokingly said I would get a ride yesterday and he took me seriously even though I was being incredibly sarcastic in my way of speaking and tone.. I'm really beginning to resent him. He does nothing all day and I'm now working two jobs.. I let my dad know about what's been going on though and he said he'd be willing to be there for me when I do leave him if I choose to so that was really nice. Still working on it though, I hope I come around to a decision soon because I'm beginning to be driven nuts.
I second this notion and it's even my own life. >.<! I'm gonna bring it up to my therapist tonight and possibly actually DO it tonight.. I'm just on my last leg here.. plus the closet is getting tiny for me and I'd really love to just be out and get it the heck over with. Be proud to be me for once and not have to worry about those people who don't accept it in my life. (!)
of course I'm too weak to do it like I thought I was going to.. and even now I'm getting sad again because I really care about him even though he isn't great for me.. My dad talked to me about it at lunch today and said he'd be willing to help me in any way that he can, whether it be being there with me or telling him he has to go and not even trying to involve me at all but I just can't help but to love him.. Really having a bad day it seems.
I tried to think of encouraging words, but none came, so instead I offer the most motivational image I know of!
you got a good laugh out of me xD thank you the depressing feelings are a bit more alleviated for the moment plus I got candy so it's helping too xD
Venting inc.. -.- So I came out to him after many failed attempts at trying to leave the guy behind in my life and being too nice to really say it flat out.. He took it well originally but this morning.. I find out he outed me to his best friend and was talking about me all night.. They both concluded that I'm going through a phase and someone failed me at some point in my life for me to think this.. That and I'm not on birth control anymore.. so therefore my hormones are off kilter... Now pardon me a second.. But how is it that my hormones are off kilter when I've been off birth control for four months now.. Not only that but.. I wasn't on them when I was 5-6 years old and decided this for myself.. Like.. What the hell is that.. Plus even so.. My birth controls estrogen levels were incredibly low.. It was mainly as a substitute form of iron because I'm freaking anemic and my parents just wanted to help me out.. and if its not like i produced testosterone or something like nuts.. he's not even a doctor.. my therapist thinks I'm genuine.. ugggggh And then on top of that.. Someone.. failed me? Like what? Oh and the lovely "you're going to lose everything that means anything to you." bull crud.. I'll show him.. I'll freaking tell them all.. See how they react.. If he's right, he's right.. But I doubt it. Just angry that in less than 24 hours, I've been outed, told I'm basically nutso and doing this because of medication side effects, and don't know myself and am going to be alone my whole life.. what's worse is he thinks I want to date a girl and is like no girl would love you.. Like love is all that matters to me.. Who cares really.. If someone can't take me for me then forget them I don't want that in my life.. Ugh.. So mad/hurt right now..
I wouldn't worry about him outing you to his friend too much, remember it's a big thing for him too and he'll have needed to talk to someone about it! I mean his conclusions are wrong but still. Also if he outs you further THEN you can beat his ass! If he outs you further we'll ALL beat his ass, metaphorically speaking...
bahaha yeah it's not so much that he outed me that's so bad.. it's that his friend is well.. not so okay with the community.. it's like he talked him into thinking so oddly of it after he was so alright with it.. just bugs me that he comes to such stupid conclusions out of thin air.. I've never changed myself or complained or anything of the sort while with him and to assume that is just.. rude and out of no where.. it seems so bizarre to me really. on another note.. I found my pride necklace.. yaaay xD a bit girly and lavish but it was a gift and it means a lot..
Don't forget that if you have no idea about it, you will take any change to be the explanation! Then all your BF had to do was say hey you're right, she DID stop taking those... and suddenly he has a reason to doubt! I like the necklace!
I understand how difficult this is for you because I've been in a controlling/abusive relationship before. And it just seems like no one truly understands how difficult it is to walk away. Especially, when you've invested so much time into the relationship. Not only that, you do feel guilty and blame yourself for his behavior. However, you're not in control of how he chooses to react, so please stop blaming yourself. He's an adult who needs to get his shit together and he needs to do it for himself. But no one will be able to help him if he doesn't want the help. Then again, he's no longer your problem, so now, it is time to work on yourself. I'm so glad that you found the courage to get rid of him, and it was a great idea getting your father involved. No one should ever have to suffer in silence because their is help out there; you just have to want it bad enough to say, "I've had enough!" And please do not let him manipulate you any more because that's what he's doing by outing you. I truly do not think that he even deserved to know the truth because he's an ass. Anyway, enough rambling...Please stay far away from him, I'm here if you ever want to talk (*hug*)
Thank you for your kind words. I'm still pretty upset about it but at the same time I realize I don't give a crud about his friend really.. if he wants to think that of me, so be it. And if they both want to talk about me in such a manner, I don't need them in my life. I don't need people who aren't positive and happy for me to be anywhere near me. And you're right, it is hard. But luckily for me, this community is here to help me find the strength within myself to do what I need to do and what feels right to me. So thank you for the kind words and wisdom, it's really more helpful than you know. I'm in the process of him leaving soon, turns out he got a job interview going for him and my dad is willing to help network him to someone he knows so he can get a second job just to get him to get out of my life and move on to his own place and the like.. I'm just hurt that he's not as accepting as he first pretended to be but what was I expecting.. he's a liar and hides things from me so why did I think he wouldn't do that then too.. ugh.. ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2013 at 12:29 PM ---------- oh my god that makes perfect sense.. I never thought of that. I tried to tell him that it's not something that just happened like that and that it's been around for years but then he asked why I didn't mention it to him sooner.. :dry: sorry my bad mister abusive jesus what do you want from me.. :lol: awh thanks ellia
