Having a higher sex drive than my boyfriend

I was just having a lengthy conversation last night with a friend in a similar circumstance.

First, it might be helpful to know that differences in sex drive is, I think either the #1 or #2 source of problems in relationships. I think this applies equally to hetero and gay couples (not sure about lesbians.)

So I think one of the biggest things is to have really open and frank discussion. For a lot of people, talking about sex openly, even with a partner, is shameful or embarrassing, particularly if they perceive themselves as outside the norm (for example, very high or very low sex drive.) Sometimes, the act of "leaning into the discomfort" (to borrow a social work term) and just having an in-depth conversation can, in itself, be really helpful.

One of the questions I'd ask him, if I were talking to both of you, is what's going on with him? Is sex not that enjoyable? Is being that close, physically and emotionally, uncomfortable? Is there shame or discomfort about sex itself? How are orgasms when he's with you vs, when he's by himself? And what parts of sex does he most enjoy and least enjoy?

And for you... what aspects of sex are most enjoyable/fulfilling for you? Is it your own orgasm? bringing him to orgasm? Both? Or are you just or almost as happy with close cuddling and touching? You touched on some of this in what you said, but I've found that when I ask those questions, often times, the couples are really surprised at each others' answers, and learn a lot about what each other enjoy or don't enjoy.

Finally, for him, where does masturbating fit in with sex with you? Does he enjoy masturbating and do it substantially more often than he has sex? If so, what makes that comfortable, but makes sex uncomfortable? Sometimes there's some underlying shame or discomfort there, or sometimes the quality of orgasm may not be that great, and that's something he can work on. (An awful lot of people go through lives having orgasms that are a "2" or a "3", not realizing it's even possible to have a "9" or a "10", because nobody teaches us how to have good orgasms, or even talks about what's possible.)

These can be uncomfortable questions to bring out into the open, but often, when we do, we discover that there are a lot of areas of compatibility, and you can find those places of common ground and create wider places of agreement that work for both of you.