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Another best friend situation (you tired of these yet?)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Chris42163, Aug 24, 2013.

  1. Chris42163

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    I feel like he's a perfect match, and would absolutely do anything for him. I'm not the type to fall easily and have never been in love with anyone else. I'm only out to a few people: mom, an uncle, a brother, and my best friend. We're both adults (31 & 22), I'm bi, and he is straight. A couple years ago, he outed me to his parents and an ex-girlfriend. It was a dick move, but we've moved passed that now, and other than incident he's always been loyal and honest with me. He also really regrets that decision, and I trust him again.

    I've always been physically attracted to him, but thought for the longest time that I could avoid developing romantic feelings. I was wrong. We're like brothers in a way. I can have an awesome time doing anything from playing sports to just hanging out. We've done a ton of amazing platonic things together, and I do not want to lose him as a friend, which is part of the reason I wanted to avoid developing romantic feelings. I love him as a brother, and unfortunately now, for about the last year, I love him romantically, as well. He knows this, and we make a point of completely communicating everything with each other.

    I've tried distancing myself from him. During a down-period, I tried to cut him off, going as long as 2 months without communicating at all, but I still thought about him EVERY day. I even asked him, after breaking down into tears, if he would be willing to help me end our friendship altogether, but he said no and we moved on to become even closer friends. Now, we are as happy together as ever, but I am dreading the inevitable girlfriend and future marriage. In another incident, for the last 2 months, I tried distancing myself by only replying to his texts, and by staying busy to avoid contact. It was agonizingly difficult, because I cannot stop thinking about him. First thing in the morning, last thing before bed, and maybe 10 times a day in between, which I thought was just an infatuation, but do infatuations last for 3 years? Even when I thought I could just be a friend, I always wondered what he's doing, and I have to make a conscious effort not to send a message. Even though he doesn't seem to mind these messages from me, I managed to back off for about the last 2 months. I was kinda hoping I could push us back to "just best friends," but when we got back together in person, I couldn't help how attractive he is to me, and how amazing I felt by just being in his presence. When I say attractive, I recognize that physically he's probably a 7.5-8 with a beautiful face and a generally fit, but not muscular body. But with my feelings for him, he's on a scale no other guy can hold a candle to.

    For now, he's happy to include me in everything whenever we can get together. When we do, it's awesome. I can't keep my hands off of him from an arm around the shoulders, to shirtless massages front and back, to cuddling (rarely) while in bed, even kissing him on the arm, neck, or back. He likes the back rubs, but not the cuddling or front rubs, though he still lets me do it from time to time. It's gone a little further than that a few times - no real sexual act, but perhaps a little exploring on his part. While awake, we've gotten hard and measured dicks, I've rubbed him through his pants to the point he got hard (once), but he might have thought I didn't know I was getting him hard because I was massaging the leg above his dick and as it became hard it came up into the tips of my fingers. Normally, he won't let me get close before making me stop or move my hands elsewhere.

    I often sleep with him in the same bed, and he sometimes allows me to lay an arm over him for a little while before we sleep or after we wake up, but has only asked me to do that once when he was really drunk and was sick and upset. It was more support than romance. Admittedly, I have not always been able to keep my hands off of him in his sleep. I know it's wrong, and I've admitted it to him. I've never done this to anyone else or been inclined to do so. I feel like a pervert for it, and I'm ashamed of doing it. He has accepted my apology, and did not react strongly to it or distance our friendship because of it.

    I used to think that no straight guy would allow something like this, but he has never put his hands on me in these ways, or implied anything that would lead me to believe that a relationship beyond friendship/brotherhood would be possible for him. I feel helpless, and I badly want him next to me for the rest of my life, but will accept anything he's willing to be with me even if we're just friends. I don't know how or why he's willing to accept this much intensity from me. I guess he likes being on a pedestal and knowing that he's the most important man in the world to someone. If not, I can't see why he wouldn't get tired of it and move away from me. When I say I love him, he will reply that he loves me too, but always makes sure that I understand his meaning is not romantic love.

    So should I just keep it going and enjoy it while it lasts? I assume it's going to come crashing down one day, but maybe I'll get lucky and somehow my attention will shift or he'll come to the revelation that he's actually cool with being in a life-long intimate relationship with me :rolle:.

    It would be nice to hear some objective opinions.
     
    #1 Chris42163, Aug 24, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2013
  2. Mystory

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    I want to ask you this. If you had a close friend who happened to be a girl, and she touched and rubbed you like that- would you get a hard on? Or would you be too awkward and uncomfortable to feel anything more than affection? Maybe that isn't a good example though- since your bisexual. let me rephrase- what if your brother or cousin did that? How would you feel? Or think of someone to whom you have absolutely no feelings for- a friend- and then try to imagine how you would react in such a situation?

    I guess... just enjoy things the way they are- you seem pretty smitten- and in my honest opinion, if it were to end badly for you, why waste your time now trying to analyse and dissect it. Take a note from Virginia Wolfe "To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is...at last, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away."

    If you ask me, the time to have ended it should have been ages ago- BEFORE you fell head over heels for him. But now that he is constantly on your thoughts, ending it now won't really serve you any better than leaving it to the future. Just enjoy things and try not to think as difficult as that sounds. We all die at some point. If we spent the entirety of our lives thinking about when then would it have been a life well spent?

    By the way, members around this forum- especially with regards to these types of situations- have very VERY VERY strict opinions on how love and how things should be. Reading some of the responses reminds me sometimes of the strict hetero-normative teachings that 1960s and 50s generation-folk indoctrinate us with. Posting here- especially with regards to these situations will only ever yield you two responses
    a) end it
    b) it's useless, end it. Or some variation or encouragement that shouldn't be given. Each situation is different however and unique at that. Only you can decide what you want to do, and no amount of nagging from any other member can sway that.

    If you ask me though, enjoy it for what it is. Hope that you do not expect for any more, and hope that you can leave it unquestioned...
     
    #2 Mystory, Aug 24, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2013
  3. Chris42163

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    Yeah, the girl thing was a bad example. I understand your point as I am not attracted physically and emotionally to many guys and girls, and I have certainly considered that before. I've never been on the reverse side of this situation, though. It's hard to say how I would handle it. I've gone a lot further than I ever expected him to allow me to, though. I love and enjoy that he does, though. It feels so wonderful.

    Regarding the rest of your post, thank you very much. Insightful and appreciated.:thumbsup:
     
  4. ryanalexander61

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    I don't know if this was said, but which aged person are you in this situation? And how did you two guys meet given the age gap?
     
  5. Chris42163

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    I don't see how that's relevant, but am willing to discuss via PM.

    ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2013 at 12:33 PM ----------

    Hmm... it's unfortunate that sending PMs is restricted here. I wonder what that's all about. This forum is run rather peculiarly.
     
  6. MichaelB

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    I think it's done to protect identity or harassment. I mean, the nature of this forum is very delicate. Imagine if someone put a heart wrenching story out into public domain, and some homophobic person came along, read it and messaged them abuse? That would be rather cruel, so I think the PMing only to members is meant to reduce that. :slight_smile:

    But to answer your question, I don't know. It does seem incredibly complicated and I feel like the only option is to address that. He's giving mix messages and has been doing so for 3 years, so the likelihood of that changing seems slim. So why don't you address that? It seems like the only option to me; say something like 'Look, I know you're straight but the messages you give sometimes are incredibly contradicting which isn't fair to me. If you're straight, act like it please, I don't want our friendship to get weird because I value it', or something along those lines.

    That way, if he says yes he likes you, then brilliant. If not, it might finally give you the closure to move on from him. Hope all works out for you. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Chris42163

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    We've talked through everything, but I don't really think he's shown mixed signals. Hell, I'm the one who continuously pushes the boundaries. He just lets me go further than he should, or than most straight men would, sometimes. It's hard for me to complain about that though.

    He and I can openly discuss everything, even the most awkward feelings. At least, I know that's true from my end. He seems to discuss his most embarrassing things with me, too. So, I think it's mutual. I don't think he's really holding anything back. I know he likes/loves me more than any other guy, and I believe he's being honest when he says that he's only interested in women. Is that closure, though? Am I just supposed to stop something that feels so great? Do I walk away from possibly the best friend I've ever had? I've got other very close friends, but still not like this. I've tried to walk the impossible line of remaining platonic, and I just can't. At least not while he's single and is ok with my feelings.

    ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 01:44 PM ----------

    Anyone ever had a straight friend like this?
     
  8. WeAreYoung

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    My only concern with this is that in the end you're going to end up feeling exactly the same as I do now. I got incredibly close to my best friend, we did stuff and said things I dont want to go into but lets just say they were not typical friendship stuff, not far away from your story tbh. I was so smitten, i adored her, but she always stuck to being "straight". I never told her how I felt I admit, but you didn't have to be a genius to work out I was head over heels, especially after i came out as lesbian. When she split up with her boyfriend I thought it was our chance, we got even closer, we got walked in on as im pretty sure we were about to kiss. And then suddenly everything changed. She met another guy. And it was all him. I was devastated as you can imagine, i tried SO hard to be a good friend and support her relationship. We were going to move in together, but I backed off as I didnt want to be in the way of their relationship, especially when this guy was wanting to move in with her too (even though theyd just met). But i could only keep up the act so long, it hurt me so much that she'd encouraged everything, and then just dropped me. We are still sort of friends and i still love her more than anyone but there's also this deep hatred(?) for her. Its hard to explain how i can love her so much yet hate her but yeah. Our friendship is nowhere near how it once was. All the feelings are still there, not a day goes by where i dont think about her, but its got so bitter.

    I know you say he isn't leading you on, but he's not helping either. He is encouraging your feelings, and although its nice he hasn't let your sexuality get in the way of your friendship, its still unfair on you. Surely he realises sleeping in the same bed as someone who is in love with him isn't going to help your situation? He should have realised something had to change when you asked him to help you end the friendship, you obviously dont enjoy having feelings that arent mutual (who would?). I just wish these "straight best friends" would stick to boundaries if all they went is friendship!

    Maybe you'll react differently to me and not be so angry if he gets into a relationship, who knows. Its never just as easy as "getting over someone" is it? :frowning2: I just hope whatever your decision, your friendship can be saved.
     
  9. Chris42163

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    It's hard to say how I would react, but your post really resonated with me. Thanks. I'm going to think about it for a while before I reply.
     
  10. WeAreYoung

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    Totally understand, i didn't expect to feel anger so i guess you never know how you'll feel about something until it happens! Take your time, ill be around if you wanna talk.