How do I interpret my boyfriend's behavior? Did I ruin our "first time"?

Hi, all:

Having a tough time here. Usually, I can glean any advice just from strolling through the posts and figuring out a solution to any issues I'm having, but this one a little different... any advice would be awesome:

Background info: I'm 28 and my boyfriend is 30. I'm not out and he's been out since he was 21. He's my first serious boyfriend, and I'm his. (We've had other relationships, but none as serious as this one.) We've been seeing each other for almost a year, been official for 2 months, just about.

Story: So my boyfriend and I have been taking this relationship very slowly... (we didn't have our first kiss until 1 month into meeting each other). Taking things slowly was a mutual decision since we've been both very hurt in the past. This past weekend, my boyfriend and I (and 2 other straight couples, all friends of his) went away for a weekend to a cabin in the woods. This would be the first time my boyfriend and I spent days together, and sleeping in the same bed. We discussed beforehand that sex (any type of encounter with our genitals is what I'm referring to, not just penetration) may or may not happen, but we both agreed that there was no pressure on either side and if it happened, great, or likewise if it didn't. So that night, obviously we drink and what not and my boyfriend gets a little more affectionate with me in public... obviously I can explain this with the alcohol. That's fine... we had been outside drinking and hanging out, but at one point we were both by ourselves in our room. As I'm going back out to meet everyone (he's going towards the bathroom), he signals to the bed and says to me "I'm nervous". I said to him.... "There's nothing to be nervous about, promise." So later that night, we head to bed and start getting frisky. We make out, roll around in bed, I can feel he's erect, and I'm sure he can feel me. Again, I was going with the flow and had no intention of over-stepping any boundaries. He also said something to that effect as we were doing our thing. Then, I got a little bold and grabbed his dick through his shorts. He freaked out a little, told me "playfully" that that touching was a "limit" of sorts, so we went back to just rolling around and making out, totally fine. Then he says "ok, that's enough for tonight... we'll get more serious tomorrow", or something like that. Then we're just laying in bed, holding each other... and he tells me (for the first time) that he loves me. Amazing, right!? Then we talk a little, and go to sleep.

So this is where it gets a little strange for me... night 2, long story short, we get to bed. We start kissing and messing around a bit. Then, he goes and grabs my dick. I do the same, and he shoos me away like he did the first time. We make out some more, then he goes and grabs my dick again. I do the same and he "shoos" me away a second time. It wasn't a playful "shooing" either, it was like... seriously, please don't do that. I asked why he could to me and I couldn't to him and his response was simply "Because I can". So that bugged me a little and I said "fine, you just don't wanna have sex with me, I get it". Well... things went downhill quickly. The mood was obviously ruined and he just got up and was like "ok, we're done for tonight". I was half serious, half joking when I said it, but it really did seem strange that he was acting that way. The more I tried to talk about it with him, the more he started getting annoyed. When I asked him about the "double standard" he just said "Fine, I'm sorry, it's my fault I guess" in a very defensive manner. When my boyfriend gets really annoyed with something or when he feels backed into a corner, he just shuts down totally... I hate it. He'll just shut down for a day or two, but after that he's fine. He tells me not to take it personally, and I've seen him act that way with his closest friends, but it's so hard not to and it really hurts me when he does. But anyways, he shut down and I just lost it... I started crying and basically kept apologizing for ruining his weekend... then he turned around, kissed me, hugged me and said... "you didn't ruin it, you just know how sensitive I am with that stuff. You know I want to have sex with you, but it's not easy for me". I apologized for crying and he said that he liked seeing me vulnerable. (Side note: I'm not one to break-down in front of people or show any type of vulnerability, and this was my first time in awhile with anyone. As he hugged me, he said he loved me and that he could hold me like that forever...

The next day, he was very distant and a little cold towards me. It got much better towards the end of the day (end of the trip) but I could still sense he was a little distant. Our goodbye kiss was lackluster, and when I got home, we continued texting... but normally after an awesome time together, we text a little then he calls me. This time we kinda just bantered over text. (It could also be because he was watching the VMAs and other tv shows) which wouldn't be strange either, but because of what just happened, maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Anyways, what do you think? I'm really confused here. On the ride home, he didn't really wanna discuss it, but I did and kinda "forced" him to discuss it a little. I told him that it wasn't my intention to cross any boundaries and make him think I wanted to guilt him into having sex with me... he knows I'm not that type of person and it bugs me that he thought I may have been at that exact moment. Granted, that is what I said essentially, but it wasn't what I meant. He said it was all fine and that we should just leave it. Why would he give me mixed signals (grabbing my dick, but rejecting my, similar, advances)? How do I take this all? Oy... obviously he loves me... hell I always thought I'd be the one to say it first, but this is all too much for me to process at the moment. Stupid question alert: Can this all end a relationship? Can he stop loving me because of something like this? Something similar happened on our 3rd date, when we were supposed to have our first kiss; however, I freaked out a little and ruined the moment. That was totally my fault, and I claim full responsibility. It was similar to this experience and was a little awkward afterwards, but now we joke about it. But I dunno... this just seems so much worse. After he said "he loved me" I thought it was going to be all magical and butterflies from that moment on...

ahhhhh..... so many questions, doubts, worries..... argh.

 

Something else I forgot to add:

My boyfriend has told me several times that I deserve better than him or that I'm too good for him, can have any guy I want, blah blah blah. He's told his friends that he's dating someone that's way too good for him.... every time I've shot him down because I honestly think this guy is perfect... I think about him constantly and let him know of the same... I always let him know how I feel just to that he never had to doubt it.... could this insecurity that he seems to have be a factor also? Lord knows I have my fair share of insecurities....

 

Hey, Ellia:

It's true. He's even told me this on many occasions... good observation!

 

Thanks so much for all of the awesome information... seriously, I can't tell you all the good it does to read your comments. Ellia, Filip, Srsly... you're all simply awesome!

As you said, Filip: I really do care a lot about this guy... it's insane. And like you said, I'm really trying to be the best boyfriend I can be, he deserves it. It's been a difficult road for the both of us and finding each other was kind of a miracle. In the beginning, it was a little tough... he's not the most expressive person and I am (in a relationship I am, good or bad... usually good though). So it took me some time to "read between the lines" and I know this guy really loves me. Maybe he's not as physical as I am when it comes to expression, but when he does show it, there's no doubt in my mind that it's sincere and it comes from the very depths of his heart...

Anyways, here's an update for those of you interested:

Like I said in my post, on Sunday my bf and I just kinda bantered back and forth and he went to bed. So then I decided that I'd just let him do his thing on Monday, and kind of leave him alone. Last minute, my friend invited me to go out on Monday and I went... unfortunately my phone died early on so I had no cell phone for almost 13 hours. I was curious to see if my bf had texted me at some point while my phone was dead. He had work and I didn't... and I didn't have a chance to tell him I was going out with my friend on Monday. So... fast forward to Monday night, I charged my phone and saw no texts from bf... I was a little bummed. I texted him "Hey!!!!!" and he responded a few minutes later and asked me if everything was ok. Side note: He always asks if I'm ok after he tries calling me a few times and I can't/don't answer. So I surmised that he tried calling me a few times when phone was dead and hadn't heard at all from me. So I called, I was super excited to talk to him, he was super excited to talk to me... we talked, laughed... and made plans to go away this weekend!!!!! NO EXPECTATIONS. Honestly... I just want to be able to hug him in bed and tell him how much I love him.

My gut tells me that he felt bad or inadequate somehow and thought that I was angry with him or something along those lines for not being able to go through with it... hence why he "left me alone" as well on Monday. If that's the case, I'll have to try harder to show him that that isn't the case. I have a tendency to speak before I think, especially when I'm a little emotional. He knows this and I'm definitely trying to improve on that.

Also, I'm pretty sure we've moved on from the awkwardness of Saturday night.

Let's see how it goes...