So my I am afraid and upset. My first gay relationship, and the whole reason why I finally came out is ending I am afraid. We've been together for almost 9 months which is the longest for either of us. He's almost 30 and been out for about 10 years. I'm 35 and been out since I met him back in December. Everything was going well for so long, but now I am lost, unhappy and upset. Way back in February we were on a mini vacation to NYC. He was really excited for me that I was finally getting rid of my blackberry and getting an iPhone. So I asked him to show me how it worked and together we went through the whole phone and I asked him which each app. Then we came to one sex-hook up app and then another. Being so new to everything I didn't know what they were. He told me what they were and that he had taken his account down from one and was going to do it with the other. I was a little unnerved, but I was in love and trusted him completely. Then the day after this amazing surprise b-day party for me in April we were cuddling on the sofa when his phone went off with a notification from one of these sites which I let slide. Then May it happened again. I told him it made me real uncomfortable. He said that the particular site he was on wasn't just a hook up site and he'd take it down if I wanted. I said I trusted him and let it go from there. Then over the past 2 months there have been a bunch of other red flags. Like he was sexting a friend of mine late one night when I was just upstairs a sleep. He told me about it the next day and apologized, but it was still really weird. Two weeks ago, I came home a bit early and caught him on some website that he quickly clicked out of and noticed that we back on the hook site he said he had taken down. It happened again a few days later. Finally, I created downed the apps to see for myself just how they worked and what the real intent was. Well it was apparent and I got very worried. Another thing I've noticed is that when were home together, he go to the bath room for a really long time, and always takes his phone with him. So this weekend, he came home and I tried to fool around with him, but he wasn't interested. He then went down stairs and went to the bath room again for a really long time. So I started to wonder, is he in there on the hook up a site? So I logged on and caught him. He wouldn't talk about it, and gets defensive and upset when I started talking about. He wants me to be "confident and secure" and doesn't understand why I have a problem. He says he's just on their chatting with friends. The thing is he is so secretive that I just can't believe it. Plus, now that I've been on those apps I feel even worse. How could I have been so wrong about someone? Now I am trying to gain the courage to talk to him and put it all out on the table. But I am scared. Scared of being alone again, sacred that I could be so wrong about some, sacred about the future... everything. I love him, and I think that in some way he loves me too. I know that I am the first boy he brought home to meet mom and the family. It's just I can't live in the shadow of fear and doubt. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP! I am losing my mind!
Hi, you have said it yourself. You can't live like that. I think you two need to talk. You should tell him that it bothers you and perhaps ask him what he is missing in the relationship. Variety? The danger of being caught?
You should talk to him, seriously. It's not good for either of you to avoid communication. If you guys aren't talking, it's easy to make assumptions and dance around the problem and then things just kind of go down from there. If he's not gonna talk, then you're gonna have to do the right thing and put forth a discussion. You don't have to be harsh, but he is your partner, you care, and you have a right to know what's going on. Speak to him calmly, gently bring up the conversation. You can do it, and yes it's got to be absolutely terrifying. But, it's not fair for either of you to walk on eggshells either. I do wish you luck, be strong!
This one is no good, man. Here's some absolute essentials in a relationship that he's violating: Loyalty Trustworthiness Respect Integrity If he respected you, he would also remove himself from the temptations and the situations that make you uncomfortable for good reason. If he acted with respect, he would give you reason to feel confident and secure. If he had integrity, he would not have to hide what he does by running into the bathroom. Therefore, he knows that what he's doing isn't right. It could very well be a sign that even more is going on behind your back. A good person would have the conversation with you and admit to the transgressions. He isn't doing that, and therefore whatever he may tell you will not be trustworthy. Loyalty here is a no-brainer. Does he act completely in your interests when you're not around? Obviously not. This cat is not loyal to anyone but himself. Drop him like he's hot...
Thank you. My mind is made up. Today I found out from two oldest straight friends that my BF has been trying to stext them and invite them over when I'm not here. He also tried to tell one that he shouldn't let me know that he'd been texting him, so clearly he knows what he is doing is wrong. I think he has a sex addiction. Otherwise, I can't explain any of his behavior. He's no idiot, but did he really think that friends I grew up as kids with wouldn't tell me that he'd been soliciting them?!?!? The both told me that they had wanted to tell me earlier, but they felt so awkward. First, neither is gay, so that is just very weird for them. Then, they both knew how much I liked him and wanted to believe that he was just joking etc.
Awh I'm sorry it had to come to this. I hope that you're okay. I know it can be hard realizing you've been right the whole time and having to deal with knowing it while it happens right in front of your eyes. Good on your friends though for coming to you and letting you know. I hope that you stay strong and true to yourself as you deserve the world for being as strong as you are. Best of luck to you.
I'm so sad... I really loved him. And I think he really loves me. But I think he has an addiction and I am so afraid for him. Plus, I honestly thinks he wants a LTR, and that he'll never find happiness where he is looking. I haven't even talked to him, and already I miss him. But I simply can't live this way. I can live in fear, doubt and anxiety every time he picks up his phone, goes to the bathroom or when were not together.
You could always try to work it out with therapy if you think he can really commit to it. I know that sometimes that does end up working for some people but that only would help if he understands that it is an issue. I understand your feeling though. I walk on egg shells with my current boyfriend who has an anger/depression problem and know it must be hard feeling so anxious about what is going on or going to happen on a daily basis. I love him a lot as well but I really think it would be best for him to work out what is going on with him on his own, as he seems so unwilling to do so while with me.
