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Feeling a bit trivialized by my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jared, Aug 27, 2013.

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  1. Jared

    Jared
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    So earlier I was on the phone with my bf and we were discussing some of our sex life issues and we kinda ended up arguing about it. I definitely have a higher sex drive than him and seems less interested in sex lately.

    In the past month we've only had sex twice, and this was after I spent almost two months away from him, I visited for a few days once during that time. He said I was being immature and needed to grow up and get over the fact that I have a roommate now and can't have sex whenever I want anymore, I used to live alone and I will again in a few weeks. My roommate is generally gone from 8am to 8pm and my bf is over a decent amount and there have been plenty of opportunities, so I call BS on that.

    He then said he has a lot more to worry about than me, which is fairly true. He's in danger of not graduating college and doesn't have a stable job that can support him. Part of me doesn't really feel that bad for him since he goofed off a lot during college and made a lot of poor choices, so he should've seen that coming, and he was warned multiple times by the school. He then said my only problem that I have to worry about is mental health and it isn't too bad since I'm worrying about "auxiliary things" like sex and he's worrying about "necessary things" like a job and finding a place he can afford to live. Yes, I know those are really important, but if he wants this relationship to work, I'm important too.

    This hurt since he knows that I've been dealing with depression for years and that I'm relapsing right now and have trouble getting out of bed some days and that I've been suicidal before and might be getting there again. I felt like he was saying something that is affecting my quality of life is unimportant since I still find time to think about sex. And he's been depressed before too, so I feel like he should know how it can affect someone.

    When we were talking I felt like he was dominating the conversation and wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise and it drove me crazy. Granted, I'm not the best at taking criticism, but he needed to hear me out to. And it wasn't like I was going to say, "We need to have sex at least once a day" or even ever other day, just more than once every other week. He also said that I'm the only thing he's sure of in his life and his one constant, something that I feel is not really that healthy. I think he realizes it too, but I'm not sure he's doing anything to change it.
     
    #1 Jared, Aug 27, 2013
  2. RainyViolinist

    RainyViolinist
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    I think the most important things in a relationship, although I myself haven't had one yet, is compromise and communication. What you need to do is sit him down and have a real conversation in which you both hold even ground. If he starts to take over the conversation you are going to have to call him out on it and make him let you say your part. Talk about what you said in your post, what you think is wrong, how the problems and how he makes you feel, what you can do to fix it, etc.

    Understand that what he said to you about your emotions not being as important as his problems is not true. They are vastly different, so you can't really compare the two as one being more important than the other.The problems that you have with him can throw a wrench into the relationship, and if worse comes to worst, even end it. Make him understand that you have equal right to complain as does he.

    What he said to you is hurtful and you have every right to be upset. If he wants the relationship to continue, he is going to have to try to reach a middle ground with you, as do you with him. Assert your authority in the relationship because you two should be equals. Again, I have never had a relationship so this advice may be faulty, but I hope this helps you in any way at all.
     
    #2 RainyViolinist, Aug 27, 2013
  3. monotone

    monotone
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    I don't really know much about relationship issues, but I think it's really wrong of him to claim that mental health issues are the only thing you have to worry about, which, by implication, trivializes it. Mental health issues are really important, and especially so if you feel suicidal. I think you need to get him to understand that, and it will help your relationship in future if he does. So yeah, you two should probably settle that soon.
     
    #3 monotone, Aug 27, 2013
  4. Yui

    Yui
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    First of all - I'd suggest having that kind of conversation face to face if possible.

    I think you(?) posted about this problem a few days ago and somebody suggested getting a grip on why his sex drive is that low. For some people its natural (which is perfectly okay) but for others it could be a reaction to different things eg. stress, self esteem issues.... So - did you ask him about that? Does the fact that you have a roommate make him uncomfortable/does he worry about your roommate maybe coming home earlier and walking in on you etc.? Ask him.

    Saying someone has "more of a right" to worry is useless. You're both worried, maybe about different things, but worried nontheless. Both of you are allowed to be worried and both of you should feel validated. Whenever he tells you you don't have a lot to worry about/only minor auxiliary things to worry about he's invalidating your feelings (since your sex life is obviously something very important to you while he calls it an "auxiliary thing") which is toxic for human relationships of any kind. Comparing who has it worse and invalidating your feelings won't get you anywhere. It's also a question of respect - invalidating someones feelings does also mean that you're disrespecting someone. People often don't realize just how important respect is, its part of every human interaction and often goes unnotized - but the moment its missing we're instantly hurt/angry/etc.

    It's obvious he hurt you by saying these things - did you tell him how he made you feel? Communication is key. Did you tell him you felt he was too dominant in this conversation and that you felt you couldn't really get a word? You need to tell him.

    Here's a link for you about some things that could be useful regarding communication, listening, validating feelings, respect etc. These are major things in relationships and I highly recommend checking out this site:

    Validation

    Emotional Intelligence

    Hope I could help you :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Yui, Aug 27, 2013
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