Hi everyone. I'm new here so I'm not entirely sure how this all works so I'll keep it short. Basically, my mum is a lesbian and I've grown up my whole life knowing this. The problem is that on a few occasions she has actually been shouting in my face with tears in her eyes asking if I'm gay which I've denied (because it's not all completely clear in my head yet). She seems like she'd be upset and annoyed if this was the case and I don't understand how she is unable to understand the situation I'm in since she is a lesbian herself and surely must have been through the same kind of struggle. Despite her suspicions, she constantly says things like "well when you've got your wife and kids......" or "You can tell this to your grandchildren...." which makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable when I have to just laugh it off. I don't understand her behaviour and I'm just wondering whether anybody has any thoughts on what I should do as it's not very helpful when I'm trying to sort my own head out. Thanks!
Well, the reason behind her behavior could be that she doesn't want you to have to experience what she went through. I don't know, this is kind of a strange situation. If you do come out to her, I honestly don't think she'd react negatively. Most likely, she's saying that wife and grandkids stuff because she's in denial, but you never know. She could genuinely think you're straight. I think you should just let it go. Its easier to do that than come out prematurely when you're still not sure about sexuality. Anyways, that's my two cents, and I hope it helps!
I've heard of stuff like this before, but it still baffles me. RainyViolinist might have a point, it's possible she just wants you to be straight to avoid any bad experiences she may have had. It's also possible she's afraid she won't be able to connect with you if you're gay. Either way, it might be a good idea to gently broach the subject with her.
I think another thing is that right-wing folks get VERY upset when gay parents have gay kids. Furthermore, and I know nothing about your mother, so this could just be me, but there are a few lesbians who HATE men. Maybe she just doesn't like the idea of another guy in the family. Though she did raise a son, so…
Maybe she had a hard time with her sexuality, and is worried about you going through the same? Can you have a sit down chat with her? Xx
Thanks to everyone for the replies! RainyViolinist, I think she's probably too aware of what she's saying to honestly think that saying all that stuff about a wife and grandchildren isn't making the situation awkward. It's possible that she doesn't want me to go through any negativity that she might have gone through but surely she'd be able to see that piling a load of negativity on me herself isn't exactly the best thing to do? boysdontcry, I'm glad (in a way) that I'm not the only one this has happened to then! Can you tell me what happened in the other cases and how they went about sorting out the situation if you can please? I'd like to talk to her about it but I just think that I should get everything clear in my head first before I do the whole "parents chat" thing don't you reckon? I wouldn't want to talk about something I'm not 100% sure of myself yet. krilky, we live in a left wing society without very much prejudice by and large and knowing my mum, she wouldn't care anyway what people though so I don't think it's that. As for the whole men thing, weirdly she says she gets on better with men that she does with women and as you say, she raised me so she definitely doesn't have some kind of hatred for me lol. Ohhai, Maybe she did, I haven't really spoken to her too much about it because I didn't want to come across as too interested in it if you know what I mean. I do know that she "came out" in her late 20s though so maybe that says something. As I said before, I think it would probably be best if I got it all straight in my head first (pardon the pun) before sitting down and chatting with her about it don't you?
You don't have to be sure in your head to ask her about it. You don't even need to make it about you, just ask her why it matters to her so much. If she's asking your without provocation and with tears in her eyes there has to be a reason for it. You don't get that kind of emotional without some reason. All you want to know is what that reason is!
I don't think it's all that important that you have it all worked out before you talk to her. I think it's fine to come out to a liberal queer parent as "Questioning." I mean she's going to get it, especially as someone that came out a little late she's been through the whole process. It depends on what you're comfortable with but I don't think we need to have it worked out and tied up in a neat little bow before we can open up to other people.
Could it be that she thinks you're gay/think you're gay because you were raised by her? ie: She's worried that she has inadvertantly indoctrinated you into being gay. It's silly, but I imagine for gay parents it's something that weighs on their mind alot. I think you should just talk it over with her, you don't have to be sure..
Thanks for your replies ElliaOtaku and Femmeme but even though I probably should, I don't think I'd be able to actually sit down and talk about it with her. Maybe if she hadn't been the way she's been and hadn't said the things she said then the whole thing would have been a lot easier and maybe would have been sorted by now but as it is, I'm reluctant to bring it up because I don't know how she'll react. That seems like a strange thing to say considering she should know exactly the position I'm in but it doesn't appear that way. srslywtf, thanks for the reply, but surely she'd know that it doesn't work like that at all since she's gay and had two straight parents? As a gay woman, she must know that people can't be "indoctrinated" into being gay anymore than gay people can be indoctrinated into being straight. What do you think?
Of course, I meant more like - if she thinks you're just confused, she may think she is responsible for some confusion... Anyway, regardless.. I'm sure if you talk to her some more she will accept it and apologize if she said anything silly.. how can she not? I would not worry
Ok so I plucked up the courage to even bring up the subject and I asked her why she kept going on about a wife and kids etc and she just shrugged it off and said it was just casual conversation and that she wouldn't say it anymore if it was bothering me that much :eusa_doh: A few days after that though, she'd had a few drinks and the same old stuff came back again... I can't see an end to this. I think I just need to get away from her lol
Maybe she wants grandchildren so she's trying to scare the gay out of you. No I'm just kidding but maybe she just doesn't want to see you get hurt like she did. Any way good luck!
I also want kids but it's the whole wife part that I'm unsure about lol. In my own head I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to have children and that's bad enough without having it mentioned every 5 minutes. If she's doesn't want to see me hurt then she's going the wrong way about it as she's the one doing the hurting as far as I can see. It's a really strange situation and I just don't get her at all :bang:
She's extending her not understanding to describing men who moan or whine or anything like that or show any kind of emotion as "big puffs".... WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN? :tantrum:
Sounds like your mother is just femme phobic. Not uncommon in ANY community, be it gay male, gay female, straight male, etc. Her problem doesn't seem to be with same sex attraction but femininity in males. It sounds like she, like so many others, feeds into the stereotype that femininity means weakness and stupidity, and associates gay males with this, and sees them as an affront to human masculinity. It's all just a product of our male dominated society...
This would make sense if she didn't have any gay male friends who were fairly on the camp side lol (although she does say they're ok in small doses)! Her attitude is annoying though despite me not being feminine or obviously gay stereotypically speaking. It seems to be almost every day she'll make a comment about my future wife/future wife and kids and she's really starting to get me down. I don't know what to do about her! :help:
Come out, it's the only thing that's going to really make a difference. I'm not saying it will be magically all better, but sitting quietly while she says things that hurt you certainly isn't helping anyone.
