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How to act around new roommate

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by evora, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. evora

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    I'm moving into a dorm soon and I'll have a roommate who seems very nice. We haven't met though, I only think she's nice based on her emails and profile picture but she is probably nice... Anyway, you know what it's like when you meet new people and want to make a good impression but you also get to know them very well and vice versa. You talk about yourself and they ask you questions, the topic of boyfriends will probably come up, she already mentioned she has one.

    Of course, I won't start with 'Hi, it's xxxx and I'm gay...' because I don't want to be 'the gay roommate' but 'the nice roommate who happens to be gay'. I'm a bit apprehensive though because even if I don't say anything, I'll be basically living with her... And it's not just me being a lesbian, but there's also my weird eating habits, cutting (and other forms of self-harm), self hatred, insecurity about my body that I'm worried about. Not to mention what happens if I become careless just once and leave my laptop lying around and she sees my facebook feed, tumblr, or anything LGBT related. And to be honest you can find more LGBT material on my laptop than anything else... So it's not just simply pretending or trying to act 'normal'...We'll be living in very close proximity, I can't keep pretending all the time - I'm not an actor and even they need time off.:rolle:

    So what would you do? Aside from walking straight up to her and telling her all of my problems because that's not going to happen. I'd like her to get to know me first, and then if she sees something I do and thinks it's weird, at least there will be a certain image of me in her head, that I'm not like that all the time, or that I have my own issues just like everyone else.

    How do you handle roommates? Have you been in this situation before? I feel a bit uncertain and vulnerable because of what might happen. I don't want her to think differently of me once she finds out I'm gay (or that I cut myself) but I'm also not planning on lying to her, or anyone if they ask me about boys. I want to be open about it because I'm hoping that that would make it easier to live my life the way I feel comfortable living it. And also not pretending to be someone else always makes it easier to make friends.

    Reading this you probably think I already have my answer, which I might do but I've no idea how to go about it. Do I just say I'm not interested in boys and leave it at that? I don't think I should be hinting at anything just yet. I've become very good at that lately - lying without actually telling a lie.:lol: All I wanted to know was what you all think, anything you'd like to say, any advice you have for me. Please?:slight_smile:
     
  2. Lexington

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    Every time I roomed with somebody, I sat down and chatted with them about our various peculiarities. Maybe mine (or theirs) weren't the same of yours, but I didn't have any trouble stating what my story was...especially in context of how that might effect the roommate. So the "weird eating habits" would certainly be something to mention. "Instead of having a proper meal, I sometimes sit in bed and slowly eat a full loaf of bread while I'm reading. Kind of odd, but I quite enjoy it." I'd mention your sexuality, but I don't know if you need to (or should) mention the cutting or body image issues. In my head, those are things you discuss with people you're really close to. It might end up that you and your roommate start getting close, in which case, yeah, tell her then. But other times, roommates are really just "two people sharing living space", in which case you wouldn't need to tell her those things unless they start impacting her directly.

    Lex
     
  3. srslywtf

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    I would say just get to know each other early on, and while you dont have to make any 'big reveal' - be completely open when talking if she asks about you / etc.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    Around the time I was coming out, I also moved into a house with 5 other guys. I pretty much did the 'Hi, I'm Todd and I'm gay' thing (along with mentioning my major, that I love to read, and what sort of music I was into). It never caused any problems and if they wanted to think of me as 'the gay roommate' I didn't much care (and they never did that as far as I ever noticed). I never made a big deal about my orientation in the sense of it being some huge or shameful thing that I hoped they'd accept if it wasn't too much trouble. This is what I am - deal with it, is more my style.

    I would suggest that being gay is a part of your life and that you should just be as matter-of-fact about it as you would be about your taste in music or your major or other such things. That may not mean announcing it first thing, but it might take the form of saying that you hope you meet someone nice since you'd like to have a girlfriend or that you plan to check out the LGBT center on campus or whatever.

    As far as eating issues, I think that will depend on just how much they are likely to impact the other person. If you are on some sort of very specialized diet, that's barely going to impact them, I would think (unless its something where you can't handle certain types of food even being in your presence or something). If its more of a bulimia thing or the like, that may be something you want to tread more carefully around, particularly if its a type that can impact your roommates living situation.

    If cutting and self-harm are things you hope to one day stop doing, then I don't know that I'd mention those up front, but maybe if you become really close with them or the like.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  5. evora

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    Thank you for the different perspectives!:slight_smile: That's why I asked this question. I still haven't made my mind up though... It's probably not something I can plan anyway. I'll say whatever I feel is right in a particular situation and I can't predict what kind of vibes(?) I'll get from her.:confused: I wish I could, it would be so much easier that way...