Today was open house at our children's school and my son was so happy. He was hugging his friends, talking about who they had for teachers etc... and I saw all of this happiness and my heart broke a little. Because I know when he moves onto middle and high school things are going to change, especially if he decides to come out or if he decides to stay closeted. Any other parents on here? Do you ache for your children knowing some day they will be judged purely on something they have no control over?
Has your son already told you that he is gay? If he isn't even in middle school then he seems a bit young to know that he's gay.
He has. Well, not "hey Mom I'm gay". But "Mom, I like boys" He crushes on New Direction, he has a crush on a friend etc.. I know it's young and I wouldn't call him "gay" as his full label is. But starting about this age, kids get "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" in the loosest of senses.. and he says he doesn't like girls like that, but boys. He could wind up being anything, but at this point, yes he identifies that way. I think it's not fair to assume there is a time that is "too" young to know you are gay. I knew I liked boys from 2nd grade.. when I crushed on the life guard at the pool. I knew I liked girls by 4th.
I think it's normal for any loving parents of kids to feel worried about their kids growing older, regardless of sexuality. I'd also like to say that your son is VERY brave to tell you something like that at such a young age, and that you are an AWESOME mom for being so accepting of him. Now, onto your post. I'm not a parent, but I DO know what it is like to be out in middle/high school, so I hope my post can help you in some way. Yes, in middle school and high school there will be some people who would not be very accepting, but for the most part, the younger you go in age, usually, the MORE accepting that age group is towards LGBT individuals. I'm almost sure your location would influence acceptance as well, because in a rural area, it may be less accepting than an urban school, or even a suburban school district. There are always going to be bigots and hate-filled people, so my best advice to you and your son if he does decide to come out in the near future or not, is to learn that what they say doesn't, and shouldn't affect them at all. He has you and your husband as loving, accepting parents, and awesome friends that will love him no matter what, so it doesn't matter what those bullies think. Believe me, I've been called names at school, and they used to hurt, but if you let them hurt, they win, and you can't let them win. If you are worried that he may be bullied over the sexuality as to which he defines himself, you can (and should) check your school's bullying/harassment policies to see if they include sexual orientation. And to answer the final question, if one day I do have kids, I would sort of worry about them at school, but I would always tell them my advice that I gave to you, that you can't let the bullies win, and that there are teachers there who are willing to listen to you and help you. Hope this helped
For what it's worth, kids in middle school will *find* something, anything, to separate themselves from others and make themselves better. Wearing the wrong sneakers, having an unusual haircut, carrying the wrong backpack, having glasses/braces/etc... being fat/thin/tall/short/really physically mature/really physically behind in maturity... The point being, bullying happens in part because of the emergence of the ego and stronger sense of the self. And in many places, being gay is pretty much a non-issue these days, even in middle and high school. So don't assume that he'll have problems... plenty of kids come out and have no problems at all. One suggestion I can make: I very, very strongly recommend you get a copy of Brené Brown's "Daring Greatly", which is an amazing book that focuses on what we can do to live more fully and wholeheartedly, and explores the impact of shame in damaging self esteem and our ability to connect to others. A large part of the book is focused specifically on parenting, and, particularly for gay teens, having a parent that really understands the impact of shame makes a huge difference. The specific attitudes, approaches, and behaviors that we can model to help our kids (particularly our gay kids) successfully navigate school can make an enormous difference. If you want to get a sense of her work (not about parenting, but still very worthwhile), check out her TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability" on Youtube. And... you're an awesome mom. Your son is really lucky to have someone who is so accepting, nonjudgmental, and focused on advocating for her son.
Thank you Chip. I will def. head to Barnes and Noble and see if they have the book or maybe Amazon. I really really hope it's not a big deal. We are from a smaller town in the Midwest, so not as progressive... and as any mother should think... I think he's perfect exactly as he is, hands down. I guess that's just my nature as his Mom.
