My mother is embarrassed of me-need advice

Hey everyone! I'm new to this site, so hopefully I came to the right place. I've really been needing to vent about this situation for awhile, but last night the situation really came to a head. I'm not friends with a whole lot of fellow lgbt folks. I mean I do have some great lgbt friends that I've known for years, but my immediate friends that I see/speak to on a daily basis are straight, and although they supportive, I don't feel like anyone really, truly understands. Of course my background is really long, but for the sake of I trying to "keep it simple" for the forum and to get some desperately needed advice, I'll try my best to give the short/summary version.

I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my family. I was raised by my grandmother (my mom's mom) for the majority of my childhood. Due to my family's business, I lived with my grandmother, but saw my mother everyday because they worked at the same business. Growing up, I never understood why I couldn't just go home with my mother. My mother would always tell me, when you get in middle school you can live with me, then it became high school... Basically it never happened. It lead me to being a troubled teenager, getting into trouble, etc.

Eventually, probably around 18, my mother figured out that my roommate was my girlfriend and that I was a lesbian. I didn't deny it. I never had a problem with coming out, as all my best friend's growing up were gay as well. But my mother didn't speak to me for a year after finding out. But we never had a close relationship anyways, so this wasn't out of the norm. Eventually, I moved about three hours away. And I did keep occasional contact with my mom. She did help with furnishing my girlfriend and I's apartment a couple times... We came down to see my mom and family sometimes for holidays. Eventually, she text apologized for being a bad mother. Basicallly, we weren't close, but we did keep contact.

Last year, My partner and I broke up after almost 6 six years. It really broke me. SO I decided to move back down near my family and try to be close to them, since I had moved almost ten year prior and I hadn't seen much of them. I ended up moving literally a half mile away from my mom. SO we begain spending some time together. Mostly, she wants me to clean and help her around the house, but she does make dinner for me a lot and we bond over certain television shows...Nothing real serious, but just being in her life has made me happy. Even though, she is quite narsisstic most of the time, and is usually very abrasive and is constantly belittling me.

I have come to the conclusion that she never really bonded with me as a child. She had me at 18, and wasn't ready to be a mother. But when I first moved back, immediately she let it be known that I embarrass her. Now I'm not big on lesbian labels, but I have ben informed that I am what you call a "soft stud" or a "tweener". I do dress in guy's clothing, shoes and hats and am very much a tomboy. I prefer shell necklaces and hemp bracelets over pearls and earrings. However, I love make-up and cannot leave my house without it. Nor can I leave my house without straightening and styling my long hair. I am not butch, but I am not femme either. But my mother doesn't approve. She constantly made comments like, Why can't you carry a purse? Or why can't you dress like Sarah Gilbert, she's a lesbian but actually looks presetable...She says that gay men actually take care of themselves and have good hygeine. Impyling that because I wear men's clothes and don't like my fingernails painted, that I am dirty and have poor hygeine, which I absolutely am not! I am hugggeee into hair products, shower products and although I prefer cologne to perfume, once again, I don't leave home without it.

She also let me know that she does not want me to ever go to the family business, even though my grandmother owns it, if I am dressed the way I dress. She says if she ever found out I was seen there, she will not talk to me anymore. My grandmother always invites me there, like she will bring me my favorite pastries or what not, and ask me to come pick them up from the business, but I know I am not welcome there. My grandmother has accepted that when we go shopping together, I prefer the men's section. But my mother can't handle it. I was even informed by a long time family friend that all of my mother's students and clients don't even know she has a child. She even went so far to say that when my grandmother passes, if I am not in a dress, I will be removed from her funeral. And just recently, my grandmother arranged for the three of us and her husband to go to a nice brunch for mother's day. But my mother just wanted to "cook at home". That is, until I was unexpectedly scheduled to work a double-shift on Mother's Day, and i could not make brunch. Then suddenly, she didn't want to cook anymore and the three of them went to brunch together. She will never go anywhere with me in public EVER!

Saying all this, obviously I know she is embarrassed of me. And she is blatently nasty to me, belittles me and constantly speaks to me like I am uneducated and ignorant. She only really invites me over to "see her" if she needs me to clean something or do something for her, then she make dinner if I do these things. But still, she is my mother, and I love her unconditionally. That is why when about three/four weeks ago, when she broke her leg, I was there for her. She had a really bad fall, and broke her ankle/leg in 3 different places. She had to have an immediate surgery which required several metal plates and rods to fix. She still cannot put any weight on her leg, and needs help doing everything. So for the last few weeks, I have been cleaning for her, waiting on her, and even staying at her house or on the phone with her every night until 2 or 3 am, because she is pain and doesn't want to be alone. I endured her being even unbearable to me, because she was is extreme pain and doesn't like to be dependent on people. I let her lash out and take it out on me. Now even though I was her "at home" caretaker, she had her student's moms or my grandmother take her to shop, or to work. Because once again, she doesn't want to be seen with me obviously. I can go run her errands for her, do her laundry for her or go pick up prescriptions. But if she needs to go somewhere or to work, she has someone else help her, because of her hatred of my appearance. She even makes sure that I am not at her house when her ride is scheduled to be there to pick her up, or is dropping her off. She thinks that I am too stupid to know what she is doing, but I know.

Well, the day before yesterday, on my only day off work, once again I spent the day cleaning her house, running her errands. She made dinner (on one leg), and then we texted on the phone most of the night, until 2 a.m. Then yesterday, I worked a long day at work. I got out a little earlier in the night than usual, and decided to go to the grocery store for an oven pizza. Those freaking pizzas are like $8 nowadays! I figured, well crap, why pay that much for a frozen pizza when the pizza place next door has the best, homeade pizza for a dollar more! So as I was walking out of the grocery store, I heard her voice. I looked up, and there she was in the electric wheelchair/scooter the grocery store provides, with one of her student's mothers. She looked dead at me, right in the eyes, then just looked away and they both just moved on pass me, like I wasn't even there. She is so embarrassed of me that she wont even say hello to my in public. Who could actually be so cold that they wont even acknolwedge their own, only child in public? As if I'm that repulsive! After all I've done the past several weeks to help her, take care of her and even just being there when she is lonely.

I don't know why I am so suprised. Obviously, I have known of her insecurities with me. This is not new news. I guess just seeing it so blatently and right in my face really just got to me. It felt like a knife just went through my stomach. I was so upset, I just drove around and cried for so long that my pizza got cold. Her actions towards me are really affecting my life. I realized that I have been depressed for so long over our relationship and how she has treated me, that is has negatively affected my personal relationships, and the overal progression of my life for many, many years. I know that sounds like an excuse, or a way to place blame on someone else for why my own life isn't where it should be. But it really affects me that deeply. I mean if my own mother doesn't love me or accept me, then I must be a pretty bad and useless person, huh? I know that isn't true, but that's how it feels inside. I could probably get some benefit out of counseling, but i've never been good at discussing my issues in person with people or counselors.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I love my mother very much, and I don't know how to just not talk to her. I haven't heard from her since the incident, when normally she at least texts me every night. And I know she is probably going to say, "Oh I never saw you!", but she did. Has anyone else dealt with anything similair? Has anyone dealt with a parent being so embarrassed of who you are, that they wont be seen in public with you? Like I said, I know I am not this nasty, repulsive and embarrassing person overall, but her actions have affected my self-esteem from years now!

Thanks for letting me vent...Even if no body reads this or responds, I feel a little better by just getting it off my chest!

 

Thank you for replying. I realize my post is quite long, but I had to get out of my chest. I still haven't heard from my mother. She was supposed to be making Lasagna for dinner and I was supposed to come by after work. But she hasn't texted me since this happened. Perhaps she is ashamed of her actions, or perhaps she just doesn't want to face her issues with me. I need to just move on with my life, I beleive. I hate the state where I live and only returned to the area and never left the state or too far away because of my family. I have always feared them getting old without be being there to help them. But why suffer emotionally and not live my life to the fullest, for a mother that that will never even go out to dinner with her daughter in public like normal freaking people do, in fear of being judged because of me? Or for a family that won't stand up to to her actions on my behalf? Thankfully, this situation actually played itself out so blatantly that I could finally see it for what it was and realize that she will probably never change and truly fill that loving, accepting mother figure role that I had always wished she would fill. Thanks again to those who took the time to read my novel! Like I said, just typing it out and venting really helped...

 

Once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my story. And to those who replied, I truly appreciate it. As I stated before, just getting it all out really helped me gather my thoughts. Talking to immediate friends just wasn't doing it. As mentioned, most of them are straight, and although they are sympathetic to my situation and think it's wrong how my mother is treating me, they don't truly understand what it's like to have to defend who you are inside, especially to those who raised and created you.

In regards to the replies, I am not financially dependent on my mother in any way. I am almost 30 years old, and although I'm a very hard worker and I am financially dependent on myself, I am not completely content with where I stand in life. I'm not doing bad or anything and I do well for myself, I just want better for myself, finish school, etc. I have always resented my mother in a way because I had to do everything myself without any help whatsoever, and thats part of why I couldn't afford to finish my degree at the time I was in college. And she doesn't understand that. She often jokes that she's never met anyone who it took 6 years to get a college degree. She doesn't understand the finances and hard work involved.

Any how, yes my grandmother has made comments that she doesn't like the way my mother treats me, or what not. But she's never truly defended me. Partly it is because she is scared of my mother. Her and my mother run a business together, and they are often bickering about each other to me. But my mother's behaviour is very unpredictable and my grandmother knows that. So I think she fears her reactions of everything.

And to answer the question about the conditions of which I was born... My mother and father were together at a young age. Exactly one year, to the day, before I was born, my mother gave birth to a full-term baby girl who died minutes after delivering due to labor complications. I don't think shes ever fully dealt with that. When I was younger, my mother actually told me that she wasn't ready to go through pregnancy again and was going to have an abortion, but my grandmother pleaded with her not to and said she would take me if needed. My grandmother of course would argue that she only agreed to help her get on her feet and take me until she was situated, but that day never came. As a child, it was heartbreaking to hear my mother and grandmother tell me these things, and that's why I began to act out. I've never been close with my father though. I am close with his sister now, later in life. But he's never been interested in my life.

I do agree that the issue isn't neccesarily with me, it is more of what people will think of her and her issues. I don't deny that theory at all. I just cant believe that someone could care more about their reputation and what people think, than hurting their own child! As I posted earlier, I think I will move towards my goal of finally leaving the state, and going somewhere I have always dreamed of going. I came back to be close to them, as they are growing older and I hoped to repair our relationships and make up the time that I had been gone, but clearly that isn't happening.

Note, still haven't hear from my mom since the grocery store incident. No Lasagna last night, nor a simple text message. I wonder what she will say when she finally does get in contact.

Thanks again guys

 

Thanks for your input. I agree that I need to distance myself from her and move on with my life. That being said, I am disappointed that I moved back to the area to try and get close to her and make up lost time with my family. But I feel like I will eventually live in a world of regret later on in life looking back, if I don't follow my dreams and move outta this hot, boring state. I actually feel bad for my mother, as she is living in the now and not realizing that eventually these people she is trying to impress won't be there for her and a time will come that she needs me. And who knows how I will feell about her at that time in the future. I am her only child. And there have been many instances throughout the years in which I really needed my mother, but where was she then? And where is she now? Btw, not so much as a text message yet since our brush at the grocery store. Where we had been texting every single day and night since her accident. Zip, nada, nothing. Even if she had pretended to not have seen me, it would've been less awkward for us to go on as normal and like nothing ever happened. She is avoiding me and the situation. Why??? What is the purpose of that??? It makes no sense to me!