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Inadvertently brought up a painful event in my bf's past... feel awful.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Estragon84, Sep 1, 2013.

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  1. Estragon84

    Estragon84
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    well, actually his mom did. I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his mom. We had just finished talking about how she (the mom) had shown her friend a picture of boyfriend and I and then she was going to say something. My boyfriend immediately stopped her and said, "please mom, no. That's embarrassing." Honestly, I thought what bf's mom was going to say was some comment mom or mom's friend had made about two of us, or about me (I met the friend at a bbq before which is why I assumed she made the comment about me, or the two of us.) Boyfriend's mom said... "fine, I'm sorry". Meanwhile, here I was, feeling a little awkward because I was still assuming this comment was about me or us in some way and no one would tell me. I did press the issue a little and after a few minutes, when no one wanted to tell me anything, I did let it die. I spent the rest of the day with boyfriend and didn't mention anything, not wanting to ruin the amazing day we spent together. Fast forward: I was on my way home and my boyfriend called me. While we were talking on the phone, I decided to ask one more time about what the comment was. Begrudgingly, he told me. Turns out, the comment that the friend made was some reference to something that happened in my bf's childhood... something silly he did as a child that, for whatever reason, caused him a lot of ridicule and ostracism as a child and that continues to define him in some way, shape, or form as an adult, regardless of how successful he's become or how good of a person he is. His problem was that, knowing how much pain this has caused him in his life, it bothered him that his mom would bring up something so painful in such a casual manner. (Looking back at it now, bf's mom was going to bring it up as a playful comment because my boyfriend was teasing her... kinda like playful retaliation).

    Anyways... once he told me this, I felt soooo awful because I realized that the more I pressed the issue, the more I was reopening all of these old wounds. I didn't realize that he was bothered for the rest of the day (he was) but he did tell me that next time something comes up and he doesn't want to talk about it, it's probably because it was something very painful in his past that he'll bring up with me when he's ready. He's very honest about everything, and this has been the case with other things... so I know he'd tell me eventually. I apologized profusely because I hate making my boyfriend feel badly... it kills me when I do (I don't do it intentionally, I just have a tendency to say what's on my mind, without any filters). I know this wasn't really my fault, because I legitimately did not know. Regardless, I feel responsible for somehow aggravating this situation. He told me it wasn't my fault, and I know it wasn't... but I know he was up all night struggling with all of these memories and all I could really do was just leave him alone with this thoughts... part of me feels like I failed a little as a boyfriend, and I'm kicking myself for not being a little more intuitive with this.

    What do you all think?
     
    #1 Estragon84, Sep 1, 2013
  2. SomeNights

    SomeNights
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    I think that mistakes are going to happen and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I also think that maybe you should just cuddle up with him and say your sorry. Just physically being there can mean a lot.
     
    #2 SomeNights, Sep 1, 2013
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    There's no possible way you could have known, so you can't take any responsibility for what happened.

    It might be sensible to encourage him to consider going to therapy and talk about some of these issues... or, when he's ready, to open up and talk about them with you. It sounds like everything he's describing hold a lot of shame for him, and the think about shame is... it continues to hurt us when we hold it down inside, but when we bring it out into the open and talk about it, suddenly the shame starts to dissipate; it can't survive being brought into the open and discussed.

    You sound like a great boyfriend and he sounds like a great guy as well. Just the fact that you care and are thinking about this sends a pretty strong message. Even if you don't discuss anything else deep, the best you can do is, as Brené Brown puts it, go down in the hole there with him. Don't say "You poor thing" or "I'm sorry" but rather, "I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I'm ready to be here with you in whatever way you would like, and we can work through this together if you like"... and that way, he knows that, no matter what, you won't judge, but will be there to support him.
     
    #3 Chip, Sep 1, 2013
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