Seriously I either kill this fuck or kill myself. I can't handle this anymore. Last night was screaming and fighting all night, ended up popping some antidepressants and a few beers to get through the night, now I'm on a trip with them for 3 days trapped in one room with them. (I have to go to visit my sister at my college because I need to meet with the career planning office there to hopefully get a career that pays enough so I can get the fuck out of here, however I'm not optimistic, I think this is pretty hopeless.) I woke up this morning and thought things would be more peaceful, until they saw my outfit and blew a gasket over me wearing my pink converse high tops and a scarf, I took the scarf off, but wouldn't take the shoes off, I don't even know why they still need to start World War III to tear me down over how I dress, I just wanted to wear a bright summery outfit with summer just about over ....but it doesn't matter, all hell has broken loose already; anyway I am now trapped in a car with my mother and her husband for 4 hours, it is a nightmare, it's just a nonstop barrage of insults and attacks on everything about me....I hate both of them, I wish I never had to see them again. I wouldn't care if we just crashed and burned at this point. My brain right now feels like it's being squeezed tight and on fire, and these fucks are the arsonists. I can't think clearly, depression has strangled my mind out of existence, I really was already not in a functional mental state before the last few hours of psychological abuse have really put me over the edge. I've been crying until I ran out of tears, I feel nauseated and dizzy and sick to my stomach, and all I can think of is how much I hate this horrible monster of a man....
The way I handle stuff like this is I ignore them no conversing what so ever but please don't kill yourself ;-; Hope the fighting stops <3
Well... We have a similiar situation. Mine is no where near that serious, but I really do understand you. Only my mum knows about me, and he always tells me have fa**otish I am, and that my clothes are gay etc. whereas they are actually not gay, at all. Well, nearlly at all... I think that you should spend as much time outside with your friends etc. And if that does not work, just move out, find as many jobs as you can and move out. But do not kill yourself or him or anything like that... I have tried many times, and it is really not worth it. And if you need any more help, message me, I am a cu*t, but a helpful one
Were they screaming the night before amongst themselves, or did they pull you into it? Is the trip because it includes the college visit to your sister? I can, and I can't relate, because problems traveling with my parents did have some arguing, but I had a few friends who were poisonous during trips and I didn't only stop going camping and such with them, I completely cut them out of my life. When you get on your own, you will really feel a sense of peace, so that is a good goal. When I got my own place, and went through one horrible roommate, one great roommate, and then was on my own, I realized how much I preferred the latter scenario. Hang in there - the negativity may still linger, but the eye of the storm usually subsides.
Thanks, I hope so, but the problem is they don't allow you to ignore them. I've been in a really bad state mentally lately, not wanting to talk to anyone, but they've been dragging me into controversies and my brain being barely functional, I feel like I've just been running on instincts and blurting out things in anger without any control. The problem is I really am worried about how little control I feel over myself when I am in such a mental state. I feel horrible about everything and about myself, I just want to love and to be loved, but instead I feel engulfed in anger and hatred. Even though I came out over a year ago to my mother, she still sides with my stepfather and joins in bashing how I dress or any behavior not seen as sufficiently masculine and heterosexual. I would like to think I have gay pride and all that, but the truth is that my parents have really instilled a deep sense of shame and self-hatred in me over not being a "normal" heterosexual person. I see it in my mother's face, the shame, the embarrassment, of having a son who is gay, and visibly so. Right now I just feel really alone and isolated, I want someone who will love me for who I am. My mother will claim she loves me, but she only loves this mythical ideal of a normal straight son, while she hates all the things that make me me. Oh yeah the screaming last night was directed exclusively at me, bashing me is one thing that always unites them. And again, my mental state is really so messed up lately that I really couldn't handle confrontation and just broke down screaming and crying. Thanks for the advice, and yeah I can't wait to be able to move out and get my own place. I actually wouldn't mind roommates if they turned out to be really great, kinda like the Golden Girls ....right now I just have this extreme loneliness and it feels absolutely terrible, I'm not sure if I want to be completely alone. Right now even though I'm living with my parents I feel completely alone. I have such good luck, it seems like I always go through breakdowns like this when I don't have a therapist to even talk to, because the therapist I'd been seeing for 4 months resigned last week. Coincidentally I'm also trying to give up nicotine, which I suppose is compounding the problems right now.
It's hard. Especially if you don't feel 100% to block them out or handle their constant aggro. It may sound futile, but try and find a couple of mantras or thoughts that keep you focused on you and away from their arguing and insults. It could be anything - a photograph of somewhere or someone. A memory of another place or create an idea of where you would rather be... Some island in the sun. You can come up with a meditation of this place when you are alone - maybe in the shower where you can be alone with your thoughts then maybe tap your forefinger and thumb together as a physical sign you can give yourself to remember this better place. It's a temporary copying mechanism, I know, but hopefully it helps a little
