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Finally a potential relationship with a cute nice guy... but...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lostlifeguard, Sep 2, 2013.

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  1. lostlifeguard

    lostlifeguard
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    Ok, so I just went to college, and for so long I've been wanting a boyfriend. I get to college and I meet a bunch of people, and among them is this cute guy, let's call him X. One night I left a party early with him since he hates parties and we ended up just talking in a dorm room, about how we're both gay and experiences with coming out etc. I'm not going to go into detail, but it became more and more clear that he was into me, although we didn't do anything physical. Then, my friends all got back from the party and we all crashed in one room and he and I ended up cuddling the entire night. Then he left early in the morning and we talked a little the next day in a group setting. Today he texted me saying that he really wants to talk to me alone, and it's kind of implied he wants to talk about "us." I think he's really cute, and he's really nice too, only I can't imagine hanging out with him all the time or anything like that, and I can't picture us "together forever" or anything so I'm not sure what to tell him. If I had the option I would just never have the talk, but I know we have to. Any advice? What I'm really looking for is some kind of less committal relationship since I still don't know him that well. Does saying something like "I'm not really sure what I want to do since I just got to college, can we just hang out, take it slow, and see what happens?" seem okay?
    I don't want to turn him down, but I also just don't think I know him well enough for him to be my boyfriend. What should I do?
     
    #1 lostlifeguard, Sep 2, 2013
  2. Saint Otaku

    Saint Otaku
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    Well, honesty of intent is never a bad thing. If he walks off, then fine, he wasn't the kind of person you were wanting anyways. I recommend the "friend's-first" route, because he may be easily attachable, which would suck for him if you went for the "romance-first" thing because he would 1) be heartbroken if you broke up and you both would 2) likely miss out on an extraordinary friendship. You might find that a gay friend will last far longer than a boyfriend. Just don't lead him on.
     
    #2 Saint Otaku, Sep 2, 2013
  3. MilansMele

    MilansMele
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    A "friends first" stance is not only okay, it makes more sense than anything else.

    Take your time and don't let anyone pressure you into anything.

    Good luck!

    Milan
     
    #3 MilansMele, Sep 2, 2013
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    People who want to jump immediately into a deep relationship where you spend all your time together are people who haven't yet learned to love themselves, and are seeking to convince themselves that they're worthy of love... by finding someone they think will love them.

    Unfortunately, that doesn't work, because you can't accept love if you don't love yourself first. (This based on some pretty solid research.) And that doesn't happen overnight, which means, unless you want a "project", this is probably not a relationship you want to get into.

    So I think you might simply have a talk and tell him that since you just got to college, you aren't interested in any sort of relationship, and are looking for friends. To head off the "well, we can be best friends" thing... you can also say that since college is so new, you want to cultivate the opportunity to get to meet a lot of people and don't want to limit your time by spending most of it with any one person.

    It's possible he'll get the hint and be able to develop a healthy friendship. It's also possible he'll pout and run away. In either case, I think it's the best you can do under the circumstances.
     
    #4 Chip, Sep 2, 2013
  5. Estragon84

    Estragon84
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    Unless I read wrong, I think you may be reading a little too much into the situation. According to you, he's into you. Just because he's into you and not that scared to show it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to settle or be with you forever. It just means that he's not scared to take the initiative. All conjectures aside, if you're kind of interested in him too, just talk to him. Don't go into the conversation with any preconcieved notions.

    Now, if you both talk and it ends up that he's super clingy and wants to attach himself to you immediately and expects a serious relationship, well then you could let him know that you're not looking for that and just let him down nicely. But based on what you said, he just wants to talk and you think it's about you two. Maybe he wants to take it slowly too...

    You said yourself, you've been wanting a boyfriend. Like some other posters said, the best approach is a friends-first one, at least in my (limited) experience. Talk and use the outcome of that talk as a basis for your next move.

    Good luck!
     
    #5 Estragon84, Sep 3, 2013
  6. DrAdam

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    Ask him what he wants and tell him what you want, if you can both feel that you are going to get what you both want out of whatever you decide to do about being together or whatever then go for it :slight_smile:
     
    #6 DrAdam, Sep 3, 2013
  7. lostlifeguard

    lostlifeguard
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    Ok, well we talked, and we both admitted that we like each other, and I told him a few times I didn't want to rush things and wanted to take it slow. He told me he agreed, but then he kept saying that he didn't think it was nothing and he said we should start dating, I just said I wanted to take is slow.

    To be honest I think he's cute and really nice, but I don't think emotionally we'll ever be anything more than friends. Also, I feel super awkward about instigating anything physical, he doesn't drink so not sure how that's gonna work. Now I'm just stressing about when I'll have to see him again.
     
    #7 lostlifeguard, Sep 3, 2013
  8. resu

    resu
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    Don't lead him on if you're not that interested. Like others said, be friends first. Even if you start dating, you don't need to "hang out all the time". You're not getting married!

    Why do you need to instigate anything physical, and why do you have to drink to get into it? I agree that you might be over-thinking this. Of course, he may also be over-thinking it since he wants to start dating, so you should try to make sure you both are on the same page.
     
    #8 resu, Sep 7, 2013
  9. LesbianGirl

    LesbianGirl
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    Tell him it's not all about the destination, it's the ride! See where the relationship takes you.
     
    #9 LesbianGirl, Sep 7, 2013
  10. James1991

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    This. Hands down, this is 100%, spoken from experience.

    Be honest with him. You want to know what to say? Everything you said to us on this forum is what you should be saying to this guy. You already have the words. Honesty is essential In both friendships and relationships
     
    #10 James1991, Sep 7, 2013
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