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HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the closet

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alex K, Sep 3, 2013.

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  1. Alex K

    Alex K
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    Over the summer I got really close with one of my friends that is a girl. We are very, very compatible. I like exercising and doing other active things so when we hang out we would do things like that. We have many other similar interests too. I really enjoy hanging out with her. There was a week in the summer where we hanged out almost every day. I'd go to her soccer games to watch and I went to her work once to keep her company because she works in a small store by herself downtown. We do a lot of other things together too and if I wasn't gay, I could see myself having a long lasting relationship and even marry her eventually. But like I said, I'm gay. I recently figured out that I'm gay and I'm used to the idea. The only reason why I would want to be straight would be to be with her. I don't think one sexual orientation is better than the other or anything but I'd just want to be with her and I can't because I'm not attracted to her sexually.

    Recently she said to me, 'Where are we at right now? We hang out all the time, you come to all my soccer games... are we dating?' It wasn't unfair of her to ask because I knew that if I was straight I would have asked her out in a heartbeat during the summer. Everything we've been doing are things people would do if they date minus the kissing and sexual stuff; that's why she's asking. I want to date her even though I know I'm not attracted to her that way, however, I know eventually I'll have to break up with her and come out to people. I don't want to say no because I can't stop hanging out the way we do and it would be weird if I said I didn't want to because I have no reason not to - other than being in the closet! That's the hard part about it. We would be a good couple but I may not be happy about it. Not like being unhappy being with her. Just not happy being in a relationship because when you are in a relationship, you should be happy you are in it. If I was dating a guy I think I would have that happy feeling. What this girl and I are doing right now is what I want to continue to do but it seems misleading. I want to tell her that we should date, however, it would be everything we are doing now plus kissing and showing each other affection in similar ways.

    I haven't told anyone I'm gay yet and I feel that the only way to get out of this is to get it off my chest and say that I can't because I'm gay. When she asked me if we are dating or not, I told her that I'm not sure about the dating part because most times, dating ends with breaking up and I like what we are doing now since it can't end because it never began. And I know it will have to end eventually because there will come a point when I'm ready to come out of the closet. She gets it but I'll have to say yes. She says it's fine if we just stay close friends but I know she wants to be with me. I'm so confused. Dating her isn't the worst thing but I don't think I'll be passionate about it. Maybe I will. I'm not sure! I mean, it's not like some girl who has a crush on me. I've been 'dating' her for a while now without the romantic side of it. We were meant to be but we can't.
     
    #1 Alex K, Sep 3, 2013
  2. Munyal

    Munyal
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    Why don't you just come out to her? I have female friends who I am just as close with, and they haven't told anyone. You can have a long lasting friendship with her, and not lose anything in the process. Plus it is fun to convince everyone else that you're straight by "dating" a friend you've come out to. I half did that once.
     
    #2 Munyal, Sep 3, 2013
  3. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    " I knew that if I was straight I would have asked her out in a heartbeat during the summer"

    Tell her that...I'd be happy with it, although that might just be me...
     
    #3 BookDragon, Sep 3, 2013
  4. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    I definitely would consider coming out to her, because 1. it would finally give you somebody to talk to about this, and 2. it would explain to her exactly why you aren't interested in dating her. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #4 Lexington, Sep 3, 2013
  5. Cap’nSerious

    Cap’nSerious
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    I would just talk her and tell her that you are gay. For reasons that people have already expressed above.
     
    #5 Cap’nSerious, Sep 3, 2013
  6. Straight ally

    Straight ally
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    That sounds like a potential great friendship!!!... I always thought that bestfriends are underrated! She cannot be the mother of your childs but she could be their auntie!

    You can even have an ultra close bestfriendship where you are like a couple minus the sex and minus the sexual activity and exclusivity. Meaning you can date people and stuff but you remain as emotionally close as if you where a couple.

    I even read some article about polyamory about a couple who lived in the same house but they didnt have sexual intimacy or exclusivity but yet they lived together along with another partner (with whom they are sexualy active)...ok, you dont have to go to that extreme but the point is, you can be as close as you want to without being her boyfriend.

    Talk to her, come out to her, she will probalby understand, tell her that if you where straight you would marry her.

    :goodluck:

    ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2013 at 04:15 PM ----------

    Dont stay in the closet with her, as she might get confused and hurt if she doesnt ipunderstand why you are not dating.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2013 at 04:16 PM ----------

    Find a balance between planifying and thinking what you are going to do, and quickness...meaning dont be slow in telling her, but dont overrush anything, give it a night of thought.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2013 at 04:17 PM ----------

    Mantain us updated if you dont mind :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Straight ally, Sep 3, 2013
  7. GayNerd

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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    You'll either have to say:

    That you are Gay
    That you aren't seeing anybody right now, or
    That you would prefer to go out as friends.

    You will, eventually, have to tell her you are Gay, though.

    I hope it helps. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 GayNerd, Sep 3, 2013
  8. DannyBoi66

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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    I'm in the exact same boat as you are. :slight_smile: The best way to make her understand is to come out to her. If you Don't want to come out at all, then The best thing that I can think of is to just say that you really don't want to hurt her feelings, but you think of her as a friend only. Advice given to me: If she's a real friend, then she'll understand.

    I wish you luck with the situation. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 DannyBoi66, Sep 4, 2013
  9. JessicaWolfess

    JessicaWolfess
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    Better to friendzone her now, then start something and break her heart by telling her you're actually gay
     
    #9 JessicaWolfess, Sep 4, 2013
  10. dapulu

    dapulu
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    Re: HELP! A girl really wants to date me and we are close but I'm gay and in the clos

    If you feel comfortable enough to tell her you're gay, then do so. Otherwise I wouldn't recommend it too much.
     
    #10 dapulu, Jul 28, 2014
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