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Don't know what more I can do

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by LILuke, Sep 3, 2013.

  1. LILuke

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    I am a college Junior who is living in a suite with six other guys. We've all been friends for most of our time at college, and I was excited to be living in this suite with them. Obviously once you start living with people you learn new things about them, and there's one thing in particular that I've learned that particularly bothers me....they won't stop saying the 'F' word, and I'm not talking about the one that rhymes with 'duck'.

    Now obviously none of them knows that I'm exploring my bisexuality, though frankly I don't think it should matter, and none of them are using the word in a homophobic way - though I don't think this makes it any better. They're just throwing it out casually as a way to insult someone whenever they feel the need to do so. For the purposes of these examples, I'll use the word 'Marshmallow' instead of the offending word from this point forward in the post.

    One of my suitemates beats another in Halo. "Ha! Take that Marshmallow!"
    One of my suitemates doesn't like his professor "That Marshmallow's trying to screw me over!"

    I think you get the idea. Now admittedly it's not EVERYONE in the suite who's doing this, specifically the one guy who is my roommate does not use the word (and has told me that he also doesn't like the fact that the others use it), but four of them do. I've tried on multiple occasions over the past week to explain to them that the word is offensive and hateful regardless of their intent, and they just refuse to listen to me. The quote-unquote "best" response that I've gotten so far was a half-baked "Whatever I'll stop." that lasted exactly three minutes before he got shot with a nerf gun [Aren't college students so mature these days?] whereup he promptly started yelling about "Marshmallows" who shot him from behind. The single worst response came last night after my fifth attempt to get them to stop. After demanding to know why I cared so much if I wasn't gay - because obviously I haven't told any of them - I was told "Don't be a marshmallow, marshmallow."

    So obviously I'm starting to feel extremely isolated here amongst the people who are supposed to be among my closest friends. If these people who are supposed to be my FRIENDS think that a homophobic slur like this is a catch all insult then what are they going to think if and when I tell them? And even avoiding that point it's just fundamentally wrong on so many levels that it makes me sick even without the pain, hurt, and rejection that I feel every time they use the word in front of me.

    Has anyone here had a problem similar to this? Or have any ideas as to how I could get them to stop?
     
    #1 LILuke, Sep 3, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2013
  2. Saint Otaku

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    I feel like most straight guys would just get defensive and pull the "What?! Are you gay or somethin'?" But give it a try telling them your orientation if you think they're mature enough.
     
  3. Californiacoast

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    Hmmm... This can be a tough one. You have described the situation very well, and I relate to the scenario as most of my buddies/roommates in college were hypers straight. Sometimes this thinking comes from insecurities and a need to "show power" over others by using offensive slurs. Do you have a monthly meeting where you discuss issues that come up around living conditions? If not, this might be a great idea. At that time you could bring it up. I don't think you should have to come out until you are ready. Certainly not because people are making slurs. Where I live that would be considered a hostile environment. Is there anyone you can report them to? What are the repercussions? This smells like bullying. Hard to say when you aren't out though.
     
  4. ryanalexander61

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    I was in a frat and lived in a suite with six other people my junior year as well. All I can say is I have heard my fair share of homophobic language. What the person's intent is, well usually I can say that most people don't actually mean it in a derogatory way but they are just a product of their environment, trying to fit in, etc. I know that doesn't make it right. But unless you are ready to come out to them and tell them those words are hurtful, it likely won't stop. Even if you get upset without coming out, it is likely only going to lead to more making poking fun at your expense. College age people, frankly, are quite immature and don't know anything about real life. Sad, but true.
     
  5. LILuke

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    Firstly I'd just like to say thank you so much to everyone who has offered up support or suggestions. I appreciate everyone who took the time out to try and help me through this, and I'd welcome any further thoughts that anyone might have. Unfortunately I don't think this is a problem that's going away anytime soon, and I'm not getting any better at ignoring it either. :frowning2:


    Unfortunately that's really not an option right now. I am just quite simply not ready to come out right now in any shape or fashion. Only one of my very very close friends knows about where I'm at right now, and I'm not really in any rush to change that for a variety of reasons - not the least of which being because I still want to explore my sexuality more before I commit to any labels. Even if I was thinking about starting to come out, the atmosphere that these guys are creating isn't really one I'd be comfortable coming out into right now. :/

    I think that there definitely might be something to what you said about "showing power" because they're always wrestling and doing all of this ridiculous nonsense to try and prove who's the toughest or manliest or whatever, which I think is just completely stupid but there you go. It certainly would explain a lot, but if that's the case I don't see why they can't just drop the word when I ask and use something...literally anything else! I swear I've practically begged them at this point.

    We haven't really had any regular meetings to that effect, but we've only been here for about two weeks, so that might be something to think about going forward. Even if we do though, I'm not sure how much good it will be. I've tried with them before, both one-on-one and as a group, and nothing seems to be working. It doesn't help that the only guys in the suite who seem remotely to agree with me are too quiet to speak up about it. As far as reporting them goes, my school does have a strict anti-bullying policy and sexual orientation IS listed as one of the criterion of discrimination that is not tolerated [New York does some things right], but unfortunately I don't think that I'll have any ground to stand on as a "Straight" guy who is offended by a slur that isn't referring to me, and isn't being used in its derogatory nature - which is how the complaint would appear. Unfortunately, as you suggested, the fact that I'm in the closet makes this path seem pretty useless. That being said, I might contact my RD about my options anyways, but I'm hesitant to do so for other reasons. If they get reprimanded they're going to know where the complaint comes from because I'm the only one in the suite who is bothered by it, and they only say it here because [and this is the most ridiculous aspect in my opinion] they know people get offended by it, but they're comfortable enough with everyone here to use it and...know that everyone knows they're not being offensive???? Like I said it makes no sense. But anyways, they're going to know it was me, and that would create a hostile environment I really don't want to deal with. :/

    Thanks for sympathizing, unfortunately this is the sentiment that I'm starting to get from them but I still just want to find some way to make it all stop, even as it's becoming increasingly more evident that nothing I'm doing is going to work. :frowning2: