So, my friend and I have known each other for over a decade, ever since just starting school. Recently however, I have developed very strong feelings for him, and I don't know what to do. It's causing me to become depressed and feel bad, and its affecting my attitude. I find myself thinking about him nearly all the time and I always want to find an excuse to try and talk to him or see him one to one. I have tried to dismiss it but when we first moved away for university, I realised that I missed him loads and found myself thinking about him pretty much every day. At one point I thought I was over it, that it may have just been a crush, but since we both returned home then it has all come back. I think that he may also feel at least a little the same but I can't tell. He has never had a girlfriend and I really do sometimes think that he could too be gay. He doesn't show as much of an interest in women as other people we know but I don't know if its because he isn't really bothered or if its that he isn't interested. When we are together, by ourselves or with other people, there are times when we come into bodily contact with each other. If we are sitting down then we will get quite close sometimes but neither of us says anything and we will just sit there for a while until one of us moves. We have other friends and most of the time we spend together is as part of a group with all the others. One of our friends joked about how we would work well together and there is a running joke about the two of us. Last year we would hang out by ourselves quite regularly but recently it is like he is trying to avoid contact with me. He has said that he wanted to step back a bit, because 'it was a little weird', and I don't know what to make of it. I've tried to ask why but he doesn't really give any really convincing reasons, and obviously the last thing I want to do is to force him into revealing anything he might not be comfortable with. Before coming back from university he was always up for doing something and we could always have a laugh. But now... He doesn't seem to want to do anything and I can't understand why. When we are out with other people he doesn't really talk to me much at all or joke around like we used to, unless we are out drinking, but when we are alone he seems more relaxed. For example, a group of us all went to the cinema recently and the ONLY thing he said to me the entire time unless I spoke to him first was to say "oh I didn't text back earlier because of this". Yet when we went to the pub at the weekend he was more than happy to joke around, talk to me, and hug me goodbye even though we were going out the following day. Until now i've kept quiet as I'm scared of ruining our friendship and losing one of my oldest friends but I just can't do it much longer. What should I do? P.s. sory for the extra long post and thanks to take the time to read it.
Maybe you should just tell him your concerns...write him a letter and say I'm worried about losing you as a friend....does he know your gay? How has he reacted...he may feel the same way but you will never know until he's willing to have the conversation...if you're comfortable and are willing maybe if you start the conversation about how you feel about everything going on he will talk about whats going on...I would just start with the "friendship" part and talk about how it feels your friendship is distancing and you don't want to lose that...and go from there...i think if you say right away your feelings he might get scared esp if he isn't sure what he feels?? Just my thoughs..
I've tried talking to him about some of the things going on, how he seemed to be avoiding me more, but all I managed to get out of him was that he wanted to "take a step back" because, "it was a little weird". So I have no idea what is really going on. Last year, like I said, he was always up for something, even if it was just hanging out and playing video games or watching TV. There was one time when we were sat watching TV shows on my laptop and we ended up sitting really close to each other. Now though, there's always an excuse, all I seem to get is "ask this person", or it's either "boring" or there's "no point", because we did something yesterday or it would only be the two of us.
I'd tell him, or at least tell someone you trust the whole truth. It's much easier once you've got it out to a friend in person! Trust me, I went through the whole straight best friend thing at the start of the summer break! Also in the UK though and do understand it can be hard to admit things like this if you're not in a really pro-gay circle of friends!
I suppose I probably should tell him but I don't know how, it's a struggle recently to get him alone because there is always someone else. But the thing that puts me off most is that I don't know how he will react. I would like nothing more than for him to feel the same way and I do sometimes think he could, at least a little, but I'm not certain. I don't want to lose a friend either especially as I've known him for so long. What does anyone else think? Based on what I've said about him. I'll add that I've asked him a few times if there's anyone he likes at uni but he always says there isn't anyone.
I think it's not the ideal moment to tell him you are gay let alone that you are into him. He clearly is not ready for that, regardless if he is gay himself or not. Now about his change in attitude it could very well be that he's struggling with his sexual identity and thinks keeping distance with you would help, but it could also be that he's just insecure and worrying about those jokes about you two running around. Is there the possibility that you could talk to a good friend in common that you trust? It could help to listen another person's POW. Perhaps he's told other guys in the group about his concerns, or reasons for his change of attitude, maybe he even suspects you are into him, God knows, in any case you could also let him know (in those moments it's just the two of us) that this is making you feel bad, not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way, as in someone who misses his best buddy and wants him back, see how he takes it. Best of luck.
Thanks for the advice, I'd like to believe the former, it would explain a lot, but then again I could just think that because its what I'd like to hear, I'm trying my best to be objective however. As for the jokes about us, they aren't really that often to become a major issue (IMO), the one the other day was just sort of brushed off. As I said a few posts earlier before coming back from uni there didn't seem to be much of a problem, I went to stay there for a weekend when he first left and I went up again for a day towards the end. It was only after coming back that I noticed he seemed to be avoiding me. I talked to him about it and he said he wanted to take a step back and all that stuff. And we did both agree that maybe I did get a bit clingy, but there were other reasons for that, mainly other people we know being dickheads 24/7 but I won't bore you with any more details. Unfortunately no, there are one or two people in common I could talk to but I don't think I could trust them and wouldn't even be comfortable telling them anything. The only other person I could think of that would really know would be his sister but that could be complicated. I have said that I miss that we were quite close, which he said was understandable, and that I can't understand why he's suddenly changed but didn't get much out of him. Admittedly though, unlike last year there are fewer times now where we've had an opportunity to do something where it was just us two, and it would be unfair to purposely exclude other people. Perhaps I should try to observe his behaviour a little more, and go from there? Obviously I would have to be discreet. As for him not being ready, what could be a good way of judging when? I don't want to leave it too late, he leaves for university again in two weeks time, perhaps when he comes back in December?
