Last December, I went on a trip hosted by my school and met a guy there. He was nice to me and I liked him a lot-just as simple admiration. We were surprised to find out that we like quite close by so we immediately became friends. Since we were in the same grade-he is one month younger than I am-and in the same school, we sometimes go to school together and chat all the time, getting to know each other more and more. Eventually, our friendship derived into a more intimate friendship. Then I fell for him. At first I considered it as a knee-jerk reaction since he wasn't just nice, but also cute and good-looking, definitely my type and I am gay. A few weeks following my sudden crush that I happened to develop on him, he invited me to go to this concert with him where he was in charge of the spotlight. There were some stairs near the spotlight so when the light was adjusted, we would sit together, side-by-side, sharing one step and constantly chatting, or commenting on the performer's voice. Our arms were touching nealy all the time. The other staff-his friends-teased him that I was his boyfriend because honestly and objectively, it somehow looked like that. He denied it over and over again-with his cheeks pink, or was I just imagining?-while I stayed silent since what they were joking about was exactly the scenario that I wished that would've occured. When his friends finally left us alone, teasing one last time of us being a couple, we went and took the subway home chatting, without mentioning what they were teasing about. However, on the escalator that ascended from the ground, while he was reading my speech draft that I had him read, I somehow grabbed his hand as an intention of reading it with him. I thought that he might recoil, but he didn't. His hand was in mime for nearly half a minute until we finally said goodbye. After that 1) I took in the fact that I was madly in love with him. 2) we stayed friends. However, throughout the summer, the incident occured in May, we only met twice due to school being out. It was nearly intolerable for me since I lost sleep thinking about him, and subsequently fell asleep dreaming of him. I even considered telling him my feelings but I couldn't come to do it because one, I was afraid of rejection-since his Facebook profile declared that he was straight and he sometimes commented on a few girls which caught his attention when he was hanging out with me-and a termination of our friendship. Second, I was afraid that I would embarrass him if he were straight, which seemed the case, and the last thing I wished to do was to hurt him in any way. So I was stuck in my own cage, waiting for the rescue that no one could offer. I even tried to notice other boys that were 'potentially' gay and might help me get 'him' off my mind, but he simply occupied a whole lot of my brain especially now. Each time I hang out with him, I somehow catch more and more glances at him, dreading that he would notice my emotional turmoil. I have obviously fallen in love with him and would definitely want to walk with him through eternity with his hand in mine, but what would it differ if it were only one way? If anyone could give me advice of any kind, it would be appreciated. Werbinich
