boyfriend going to leave once I transition

I know this feeling.. How long ago was it that you had come out to him? I ask because something along these lines happened to me recently and eventually he came around to it, so I figured I would ask. I know what it feels like though.. I was worried about transitioning in the first place after hearing that.. If you think there's even the slightest of chances that he might be able to continue on with being supportive and accepting you for you, and you truly love this guy, I think trying to work through this all with him would be something to look into. However.. I know it may be hard but if you truly don't think it will work out in the end, it might be best to just end it now and have him as a friend who is supportive.. I'd imagine because of how it would feel myself that it would be hard to transition with someone so close and personal in your life who you know is going to leave and having to deal with that feeling while you're already going through with all these other emotions that you might be feeling or start to feel as you go on. Best of luck to you though.. You're really brave for coming out to him I think, especially with the chance that there could be uncertainty in the relationship. It can be hard, but sometimes it's best to let things run their course.. at least he would still want to be your friend if that's something you would be interested in.. How do you feel about that?

 

I think that maybe you and he should talk about it a bit more. I mean, if he can't be with you because you've changed then it's for the best. He should love you for you, not your body

 

Um... Just from my side of this, if he chooses to leave because you become a guy, what does that say about HIM? Seems to me he doesn't care about you the person, but your female body. I'm not saying dump him, but you should both talk about this. Remind him you're still you, just a different sex. I hope I helped.

 

You say you don't understand your boyfriend's reasoning but are trying. Imagine if he got a brain transplant and put himself in the body of a five-year-old child. You wouldn't be attracted to him at that point, assumedly, even though he'd still be the same person. As far as his sexual attraction goes, that's what your transitioning will be like for him: same great person he always knew, but in a body he can't be attracted to. And if he's the kind of person who wants to have sex with the person he dates (and many, if not most, of us do), then it's going to be difficult for him if he keeps having romantic feelings for you when he's no longer sexually attracted to you. That could be why he wants you two to be just friends after you transition.

With that said, I think all the people attacking your boyfriend aren't being fair to him. (This is directed at those who have replied to this thread, not to the OP.) It would be wonderful if we could all be attracted to people and not bodies or sexes, but that's not the reality we live in. A great many of us are attracted primarily to men or primarily to women, and trying to make a relationship work with someone of a sex we aren't attracted to isn't going to work if sexual relations are something the person wants out of a relationship.

Again, assuming your boyfriend is straight, no one would call him shallow for not wanting to start dating a guy even if they're really good friends. And as hard as it's going to be to end your relationship, I don't think it's fair to call him shallow for not wanting to stay with you when you transition and have a male body.

 

I couldn't agree more with Chip. Fact is, he's not gay. If your gender is male and you're transitioning to appear male, I don't think you can expect him to turn gay any more than he can expect you to turn female.

 

Sometimes I think that many relationships and friendships have an expiration date. Usually we just can't see it clearly and pretend it's going to last forever. Even if drifting apart from friends and not all relationships working out is a fact of life.

Of course, you DO know your expiration date. Which begs one big question: how much do you feel that extending it would make the inevitable end harder?

By which I mean: if you continue, would there be a risk of getting false hope that he will suddenly turn around? Or could you just decide "hey, we'll go from a real relationship to mostly best friends with benefits, and then, when the expiration date hits we'll have one last date and call it a day!"

Or would it be more like "we'll keep deluding ourself that the expiration can be postponed and will end up more, not less, distraught when it can't be avoided anymore"

Personally, I'll confess it'd be a hard choice. And the balance might lie differently for different people. When I first started getting romantic with my boyfriend, there were (still are) many roadblocks standing in the way of a fairytale ending. I asked myself a similar question: "There's more risks of not ending happily ever after than there's chances of it turning out well. Can I live with the pain of investing myself and not pursuing other options if it fails to work out?".
Obviously, that question is something you should discuss a few times, not just answer for yourself alone. For me, the answer turned out to be "Let's go for it and take it as it goes", but I'm not going to say that's the correct answer for others.

Last, but not least: I actually do think your boyfriend sounds like a very decent guy. There's many ways he could have sugarcoated or evaded a tough subject, but choosing honesty speaks for his character. So whatever happens, I do hope you'll continue on as good friends indeed!

 

That he's a heterosexual male?

I honestly don't get why so many people on this site ignore the inherent and overwhelming importance of the human body in sexual attraction and pair bonding.

 

I agree with this. If I started dating another guy who happened to be trans, I couldn't do it either because I'm only attracted to men. If anyone's going to say that someone's sexual preference makes them any less of a good, caring person, then they're only perpetuating the prejudice that we all suffer from in the first place.

 

I agree with this completely. Honestly a good friend that sees you through transition is better than having a lover in my opinion.

I had the opposite problem; I expected my girlfriend, who is straight, to either leave or be friends. I didn't know what to do when she wanted to continue the relationship. Part of that was I think some of that hope that you might be feeling, that I would "come around" and change somehow. I even felt like caving into the pressure at times. But I knew things were different forever now that she knew, and it would just hurt both of us more if I did.

We've since gone through a lot, even been separated for a while. Now we probably are closer to being friends than lovers, although she doesn't like the label friends, and in many ways we are still much closer than that. She completely accepts me as her girlfriend, and I accept her as my girlfriend, and she is helping me transition, but she isn't attracted to me any more, and we've given each other the blessing if something better comes along sex wise. It's actually a lot easier now that she can talk about her guy crushes and I can talk about my girl crushes openly. If anything, once sex left the equation, we got closer.

I'm not saying you should, every couple resolves things in a way that works for them. But for us, she signed up for a man initially, and I think it just took her a long time to realize that both of us deserved to be happy.

I know this must be really hard for both of you. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. But I wouldn't turn down that offer of friendship. Being trans is hard and you can use every friend you can get, especially the ones that are willing to transition with you. At least for me, "friend" is definitely not a downgrade. It just means that we don't have sex. What we do have is so much better anyway.

 

And of course he cares about the person, that is why he is talking about being best friends, bestfriends care about the person. He is loving you for you not your body, just that the kind of love might change from boyfriend's love to bestfriend love, but love is still love. He sounds like a great guy, if he only cared about the body he would get angry at you for taking your body away from him, but instead he sounds like he is being supportive.

By the way, a bestfriend who was once your lover/boyfriend/husband, is a great bestfriend usually.

This might be hard at first but i think it can go really well on the long run.

:goodluck: