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he wants me to quit my job

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by itsaldo, Sep 10, 2013.

  1. itsaldo

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    Hello to everyone, thank you for taking the time of reading my messages.

    Me and my boyfriend live together since 6 months ago, we had our ups and downs along the way and I finally came across that we are even if we are not it seems to me we are married.

    I work in an international manufacturer company, I really enjoy my job and I think I do have a great future here. I do communications I got the time to collaborate with a lot of people around the world and engage in important project that bring out the best of me in a skill point of view.

    The sad part of it is that my boyfriend (who I have been in a relationship with for the past two years, one year apart and the other one in his hometown) wants me to quit my job.
    As part of my job, I need to travel. Not very often but since I’ve been engaging with a lot of big projects lately my upper management wants me to travel to the US. A month ago I had to travel for a week to California, and since I told my boyfriend he really hurted by this situation.

    He did not want me to go the first time and said I should not have fun and that my job was spreading us apart.


    When I got there my boyfriend took control of everything I did, it was a living hell the week I was there, he called me and threatened me with suicide and sending offensive emails to my family and to my boss.
    He called me crying everyday asking for money and saying I was going to regret about leaving him alone. He does not work or goes to school and he helps his mom on a grocery store.
    When I came back he apologize and said he will try to get his VISA so next time, he will come with me. I was agree but he said if they were going to keep me traveling then I should go and find another Job.

    I could not be more disagree, I really like my job and I don’t think that the amount of traveling is excessive, this was a big opportunity for me and if I stay here It will allow me to find new opportunities later on. For a person with a degree like mine is really hard to find a stable job who offers what I have.

    Even if it’s not the highest paid job, I enjoyed it. It gives me enough to take my boyfriend out to dinner, go to the movies and make a living for ourselves.
    Yesterday the VP of my segment, told me I needed to be back this Thursday for a week to the states. Which left me really confused because I did wanted to go because I enjoy my job, but what was going to happen with my boyfriend, there would come another endless drama.

    Which he did. I told him I needed to be back and he started crying and yelling at me saying he loves me so much, he would do anything for me and that I should be keeping my priorities in order. That he needed me to quit my job and find another, also telling my managers to resign the business trip. He said he would not take this anymore and he is really suffering, he cries and says I should put on a scale everything that we are living, that it is more important my relationship than my work, and believe me when I say I do not want to be in this position.

    He expects me to quit my job and find another one, he has not finished high school and does not have a job, I don’t underestimate him but things right now are not favorable to be residing a job that pays fine for the college degree I have. He texts me and calls me saying I love him that I should do the right thing, that he would not care if we were poor as long as he stays with me.

    He says if I go on the trip, he will return home and I’m never gonna see him again because I don’t care about me, what do you think? I am afraid in the future Karma will hit me if Im doing a bad thing. If I need to go. Will I regret later?

    Another thing I feel bad about is he asking for things, I love him and I want the best of things but sometimes I think I have forgotten about myself and my needs, is that being selfish? He says he wants to go back to school (which I should pay for), he says he wants clothes and a cellphone. He does not says this in a mean way but I kinda feel bad because I would have to pay for all those things and I feel sometimes I’m 100% responsible for him in everyway.

    Does living with him and being responsible for all the spending in the house, obligates me to quit my job an reside? because its like we are married.
    ?
    I asked him to be a little individualist but he keeps saying that is not what a couple is about.
    What can I do, I never thought I would be in this position.
     
    #1 itsaldo, Sep 10, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2013
  2. bingostring

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    Wow... your boyfriend is being quite unreasonable and trying to (very selfishly) manipulate you with all the drama.

    You have a job and are secure with that. He must be mature enough to see that it will take you away travelling. It is a fact of life and he must get used to it.

    I guess he is still quite young if he is still at school. He has some growing up to do.
     
  3. itsaldo

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    No he does not study, he stays home the most part of the day. Maybe thats why he is taking this so dramatically
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    I have had several relationships where he was the breadwinner and I never acted like that. So his behavior is completely wrong and you should not accept that from him. You should sit him down and tell him you are not going to quit your job for him and he should be supportive of you. Otherwise your relationship will fail sooner or later. June
     
  5. James1991

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    Yeah, that's not healthy. And no, your traveling is not excessive. The fact that he has little work, no school, and too much free time means that you're the one providing the stability and security, and to ask you to quit your job would be a further detriment to your guys' situation.

    Basically, he just needs to nut up and shut up, because what he's doing is childish and immature, and makes him sound mentally unstable. If it were me, I would end the relationship because he's not just causing you friction, he's deliberately extending the friction to your family members and coworkers by going out if his way to contact them himself; that's the very definition of selfishness and immaturity, to which extent would be a deal-breaker for me. But that's just me! I don't know your past history with him, and for me to say to just break it off willy nilly would sound callous. But I do think you need to face the reality that This could mark the beginning of the end for you guys. Such drastic and irrational controlling behavior WILL NOT be limited to this. First you say its your job which makes you travel, but if you give into him and quit to appease him, all that does is validate him and his behaviors, telling him that it worked, and the next time something comes up where he feels you're out of his grasp, he'll do the same thing, then again and again and again.

    It sounds like he is very insecure too. For the sake of preserving your relationship, encourage him to find a productive hobby for himself, that you can either share with him or that he can do alone, separate from your relationship, like a new job, or if he can't find work, then volunteering, or joining some gay mans version of a book club, Lol.
     
  6. Lexington

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    Your boyfriend sounds heavily manipulative.

    It's not unusual to have a job that requires travel, and those jobs aren't supposed to go to people who aren't in marriages or relationships. It's not uncommon for somebody in a relationship to be gone for awhile due to work commitments. And there's no surprise that somebody in a relationship might feel hurt or sad when their partner is forced to go away due to work, but most people are able to contextualize this - "It sucks, but that's how jobs work sometimes."

    Add in his request (or demand, really) for a cell phone and clothes, and it honestly sounds like he's looking at this relationship as a complete convenience to him. He wants you nearby at all times, and he wants you to buy him stuff. That's not a relationship of equals - that's you being a sugar daddy.

    What should you do? Man up. (Meant in the most gender-neutral way I can.) You need to tell him you're going to keep your job, for a multitude of reasons - you enjoy it, employment isn't easy to come by, it pays the bills. And secondly, no, you're not going to buy him these things, because saying yes to him once will make it harder to say no to him later on. If he wants a cell phone and clothes, he can do what the rest of the world does - work more and use the resulting cash to pay for them.

    He may threaten to leave. In which case, he's saying this directly to you - "I won't stay in a relationship with you unless I have complete control over your life." Which means you're better off without him. But I'm thinking you might be coming to that conclusion on your own.

    Lex
     
  7. AKTodd

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    Hi Itsaldo,

    Dude, we've had this same conversation with you about 5 times now (for those not familiar with this situation, please check Itsaldo's past posts) and the answer from basically everyone has been the same each time. Your boyfriend is a manipulating sack of guano and you need to kick him out of your life. He treats you like crap and you can do vastly better.

    I'm sorry you don't like that answer, but facts have no consideration for what we like or don't like.

    Definitely keep your job and don't let him get you to quit. While you're at it, get over the idea that marriage means you must support the other person no matter what. Marriage is a partnership, not indentured servitude.

    I wish you nothing but the best,

    Todd
     
  8. James1991

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    TRUTH! If that doesn't make a lasting impression, I don't know what will.
     
  9. Night Rain

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    We've gone over this before. Your boyfriend is a con artist, a gold digger (and a really bad one at that, hah!). It was a car last time (was it?). Please break off the relationship as it does more harm than good (if any). Even married people can get a divorce if their marriage isn't working...
     
  10. Lexington

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    Ah, I wasn't aware that it was an ongoing situation. Given that, I'd say either kick him to the curb, or get used to having your boyfriend dictate every aspect of your life. Your call.

    Lex
     
  11. AKTodd

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    So, something I wanted to ask earlier...

    Itsaldo, you say that you love your boyfriend and that he loves you. But what does he do that makes him lovable? Can you list 10 things (even 5 things) that he does that make you love him? That shows you he cares about you (not just the stuff he wants you to get for him)?

    You presumably fell in love with something about him. What were those qualities? And does he still posses them now?

    Todd
     
  12. Just Jess

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    Just because I think another voice saying the same thing might help, I was in roughly the same position at the beginning of the year. Been where you are dude, got the T-shirt. And at the beginning of the year, I'd need one more person, because I am that stubborn.

    He is not going to change, because, why should he. You are busily solving all his problems for him and not taking care of yourself. You didn't grow up until you had to. Well, he doesn't have to.

    He is also going to "punish" you and go out of his way to make your life hell if you take this job, just because he's on a power trip. You know that; that's what his threatening to leave is. But consider for a second, what happens if you don't... then you're still in the same situation, only this time you're around him 24/7 while the money runs out and the bills aren't getting paid.

    So since it's the same consequence no matter what you do, I think you already know keeping your job and traveling is the better outcome.

    But what about the underlying problem? The only solution, really, is you saying "no one is making you stay in a relationship with me". I know it's hard to say that. And you have to be ready for him to either play chicken with you and start to move out, or to play on your sympathy and make you feel guilty. Possibly both :frowning2:

    But the fact is, he is choosing to be in a relationship with you, and you are choosing to be in a relationship with him. I know you love him, and would move mountains to make him happy. I know what love feels like, and what seeing him hurt or sad does to you. But you, your happiness is important. You shouldn't be hurting like that. You matter.

    I know you want him to be happy with you too. The thing is, so does he.

    I mean, leaving you was probably an empty threat. You are his whole support system, and anyone else he goes to is going to run into the same problems you've run into. There is the chance that he could follow through, but I think it's slim.

    Just, the fact that he threatened to leave if you didn't do what he wanted, in and of itself, that's the problem you've got to solve.

    And good luck :slight_smile: I'm sorry if my tone was rash at any point, just a little frustrated with myself partially, and some of that probably came out.

    I do want to say that things are still a battle some times, and we were actually separated for a while, but things are better between my girlfriend and myself now. It is night and day how much better a relationship of equals is.
     
  13. juligen

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    I wont comment much about the boyfriend since that have been covered enough (I agree with everyone saying he is not worth) but I will say about the job question.

    In what planet are you living in? because in the one I am, good jobs are not falling from the sky, I lost my job in December and I am STILL looking for something good to appear, its a tough moment for young people looking for a decent life.

    NEVER give up your independence for another person, I dont care if this sounds superficial, money gives you independence, freedom, security. A good job and financial independence are some of the most important things in an adult life. I am not saying they are everything, but without your job and your paycheck who is gonna support the two of you? Him? Unless you have something much better in sight (and its a sure thing) you stay where you are. Besides what if you dont like the other job? have you ever thought about that?

    Dude, I get that you are in love and this relationship means a lot for you, but you have to think about you too.

    ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2013 at 07:15 AM ----------

    EEEKS, I just read the rest of your posts, madre de dios. People like you and your awful relationship its what makes me happy for prefer to be single than to settle for bad relationships. You could be so much happier without him, even without anyone else.

    Man dump him, he is a leech, he is soo clearly using you, how can you be so blind? You sound like a good dude and I bet you had some pretty pain moments in your young life and thats why you keep holding on this vile creature. But I assure you, there are better things waiting for you.

    Pack his stuffs and break this AWFUL relatinship.
     
  14. hiddenxrainbows

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    I know you've probably already heard enough of people talking smack on your boyfriend, but I'm going to add my input anyway. I was in a similar situation as you a year ago. My ex-boyfriend treated me like that. We moved in together last March, mostly because of his doing. And both of us were working for a while. But one night, we got in a huge fight and he quit his job. After that, I supported him for at LEAST two months. I was struggling to pay all the bills and for our food. I asked him to get a job, and he said he was trying. But I never saw any applications he was filling out, never saw him leave the house, and whenever I asked him where he was applying, he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Plus, there was the fact that the rest of the money he had from his job, he didn't give to me to help me pay for the bills. Instead, he used for himself and stupid, unnecessary stuff, like getting taco bell for him and his friend. He would do stuff like that a lot. I would come home from work and a pizza box or an empty box of taco bell would be sitting in the living room. He would spend money on take-out food that he didn't need and not even give me any. Meanwhile, I struggled to pay the bills and whenever I got on him about getting another job, he gave me an attitude, got defensive, and would start a fight. Like it was MY fault. He always did stuff like that to me, making me feel guilty and like everything was my fault and he was always innocent. And he would bitch at me for not having more money, like not having enough money to buy more food, instead of simple, cheap meals.

    And no one deserves to be treated like that. It sucks, being manipulated like that. It hurts so much, makes you feel like a piece of crap. And if you like your job and it's paying the bills, I don't see the point in you just up and quitting, especially without finding another job first. But if you like it, you should keep it. It doesn't really matter what your boyfriend has to say about it. Because YOU'RE the one with that job, not him. He can't complain. In my honest opinion, he should be helping you out with the bills and such. He should have at least a part time job to help you. I don't care if someone is married or not. Marriage is not about one side doing all the work. Both partners need to help out and work to keep the relationship going, and be helping out with the bills and such if there are bills to be paid. Even if the one partner has an amazing job that pays MILLIONS, that partner can't do ALL the work to keep the relationship and homelife going. Relationships, even marriage, are always a work in progress, and without both partners working on it, that relationship will surely go down the drain.

    And you shouldn't ever let anyone bully you into thinking that you have to 100% financially support them and give them whatever they want. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and be able to support himself.
     
  15. starry

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    Sorry I didn't read your entire post because It wasn't needed. Once I got to this part "When I got there my boyfriend took control of everything I did, it was a living hell the week I was there, he called me and threatened me with suicide and sending offensive emails to my family and to my boss." I knew the exact solution.
    You need to end this relationship. If he's threatening suicide and is sending threatening emails to your family and to your boss of all people he is toxic and dangerous, you need to cut all ties immediately. There simply is no other solution. No ifs and or buts this guy is toxic and could potentially physically become abusive if he hasn't already. You need to get him out of your life immediately for your own safety, and mental and physical well being.

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2013 at 12:11 AM ----------


    The relationship has already failed. It's way past time to end it completely. This relationship is so beyond salvageable it would be a slow suicide to continue even trying.