so this i my first time posting here and i think im in the right area. i need help. A bit about me. for years i identified as a lesbian. i never was attracted to men. i had relationships and lived with a woman for a while too. i love women. then i met someone. i met a man who i clicked with a fell in love with. i fell in love with the person not the gender. i know, i know, please dont crucify me for this. i know a lot of lesbians get mad when someone who identifies as gay does this but please don't. its how i felt. weve been together for nearly 5 years. sex is okay but i have a medical issue which makes it difficult. he understands i identify as a lesbian (though thats hard to say now given im with him) and that i need that part of me. a very long story short, i ended up sleeping with a girl that i have.... lets say had a connection to. onto that. the story of how it got to me staying at her house is long and not important to this so ill skip it but the story of her is, well, necessary. ive known Sierra (fake name) for about 7-8 years. we were casual acquaintances and then i met someone named jill. (fake name). jill and i started dating and getting very close. we werent really exclusive but right on the cusp of. im sure you know that time in a relationship where it hasnt been said but is becoming understood. then sierra and i went to a big warehouse party together. she had sorta been seing someone as was i. we both were tired and freezing so we decided to go back to the car to lay down and warm up while we waited the hour for the party to end and our friends who we brought to go home. we layer in the back seat. we were still cold so we decided to cuddle to try to warm each other (our outfits did not cover much of our bodies). we layed there cuddling and holding each other. both of us trying to resist more. we let ourselves stray very little. her kissing my back and me kissing her hands (i was little spoon). it was hard and i felt like i had to make a choice. sierra was kinda of seeing someone and so was i. i decided if we were supposed to be with each other his wasnt the time. i dated jill and she continued with her life as well. i didnt see her much as i continued with jill. jill and i moved into together and got very close to tying the knot but then we seperated. a few months later i happened to be out in the city where sierra lived and had to wait for my car to be repaired. i called her and we caught up. hung out at her place. sh was in a commited relationship for about a year at that point. she showed me her place and we both quickly moved from the bedroom to the living room. as to avoid a situation. it was tense. we sat close and only let our legs touch. she didnt want to cheat and i didnt want to b the one she cheated with. i left town to go home and then didnt see her for a long time. then i was with bruce (again fake name). now 4.5 years and an engagement for me later, we got lunch to catch up. it was a wonderful time. skip the long story of how i got to her house about 2 weeks later to spend the night. lets just say i called her because i trusted her and needed a place for the night. we had a few drinks with her friends and then both were exhausted so we went to bed. her bed. together. we planned on sleep. but then cuddling began and kissing etc. this isn't a "dirty" book so ill skip the deep details but it was beautiful. explaoring each others bodies that we finally got to touch after so long. it wasnt a F*@k but an exploration of each other. then suddenly she left. she slept in the other room. i slept in her bed. but i woke up to her coming in and laying next to me. cuddling me. holding me. she said she was overwhelmed by me and that why she left. we spent the next 2.5 hours holding each other, kissing cuddling and enjoying one another in the morning sun. she had to go to work and i had to go home. we got ready and then said goodbye. but when we hugged we couldnt say no and engaged in a passionate embrace dropping our things and trying to stay together as long as possible. finally i left. we havent hung out since. weve talked a bit but she works all the time and never has free time except to sleep. but we will flirt via text and talk about getting together. sometimes i just want to see her and sometimes im amd and her and sometimes i hate myself. i think i just need to forget her but how. i feel like im stuck in a stupid chick flick where we keep missing each other! my fiancé is fine if i want to be with her as i dont want to leave him. i love him but i dont know what to do about her. she knows everything. how do i stop feeling this way? do i let her go? and how? do i give it one more try and then let it go? do i even try at all? i dont want to feel this pained joy anymore. please help. i need something. one way or the other. but what.
