I'm sorry for barging in here.. but I was looking for some advice and I came across some other threads which were really useful and gave me some insight. I absolutely adore my husband. We have been together more than 15 years, and 2 years ago we got married. We've had a lot of growth together, we raised a dog, let him go when it was time. We've got through my brain operations, we've got over horrible unsupportive and betraying parents and family members and friends. We've bought our own house together and renovated it. We compliment each other in every way. But. A while ago he said he was attracted to someone at work. A female. He couldn't understand it (upon seeing her, I couldn't either(!) ) and it surprised him. He got over it, but I saw some stuff he wrote out on his computer...not sent to her, but apparently fantasising more. After that, we healed somewhat. Few weeks ago he had too much to drink and he told me he did not find me attractive any more, nor any guys, and he feels he needs to be with a woman. He never has been, I am his first partner (and vice versa), and he says he loves me very much. But then, when we're together...he does get aroused, we do have intimacy. But he seems to be blocking the idea of it and is convinced he has flipped into heterosexuality. However when I talk in depth....saying things like if there was a beautiful female right here, would you want to have sex with her or would you like to appreciate how beautiful she is? and it was the latter. He seems completely turned off of the idea of female sexual organs - yet seems .....attracted to the general form and femininity. I've read here about fluctuations rather than flipping, and I hope it is that. We are less frequently intimate these days, unless I initiate. I just feel really hurt and my heart feels like it's about to break. I love him perhaps too much for my own good. Perhaps irrelevant, but he's very averse to showing PDAs. I almost think it has something to do with it - that he thinks his professional life and life in general would be easier to face as a heterosexual. I also fear that if he did move on and be with a woman and have a child, he could be breaking more than one persons heart. But it's my heart I'm concerned about for the moment. How to cope? how to hope? Thanks
so bisexual people aren't meant to be in relationships? I don't see people as disposable... there are a million things I would try before doing that...but thanks for your opinion.
I can't really speak from experience (never really been in a relationship, and I'm not bisexual) but reading through some of threads on here regarding bisexuality, sexual attractions appear to be pretty fluid. Some state that some days they're turned on just by men, but the next week they'll like a woman, do example. Now, this fluidity is not the same for everyone I would imagine. It's possible your husband is like a Kinsey 5, which is primary attraction to same sex, but rare attraction to the opposite. If he is bi, his preference could "go back to normal". How long has this been going on? It's possible he just needs some time before the opposite attraction subsides, assuming there is a small amount of fluidity to his attractions, especially for how long you two have been together.
More than a year...on and off. But we've had some seriously amazing intimate moments where I'm fully convinced that he's attracted to me. It's confusing. He states one thing, but the ...how to not be graphic.... intimacy and intensity is not fake-able. When I think back, I had genuine amorous feelings towards girls at school...but I was never sexually interested, but had real crushes! on more girls than boys. The boys I never thought I had any chance in hell of ever realising anyway. But from 16 until now, I have been solidly set in my attraction toward males. So I understand this fluidity I think. I hope that it's something we'll look back on in years to come, as a quirk of human nature...as we hold wrinkly hands =)
Hi daz I think your husband may just be questioning his bisexuality - he is definitely not heterosexual. As a bisexual man myself I know it is almost impossible to describe how your attraction towards men and women differs, but it does. Gay and straight people will often say we should just choose a gender and stick to it / remain faithful / not cheat, but this is almost impossible for a bisexual person. I don't want to choose women and then never be with a guy again and vice versa. I want to be able to have an intimate, emotional and sexual relationship with both. I will never cheat on my wife with another woman, just as I will never cheat on my boyfriend with another man, but I really don't feel like i am cheating on either one of them when i'm with the other. Sounds fucked-up I know, but that is what it feels like to me. If your husband wants to try having a relationship with a woman (not just sex), this doesn't necessarily mean he no longer wants to be with you. Talk to him and encourage him to chat with other bi guys / an LGBT therapist. The worst thing will be if he leaves you for a woman, but realises later on that he still wants you / a gay relationship too - and then you've moved on. Just my 2c worth. Good luck!
It sounds to me like what he might need is a date with a woman. Maybe it will go well for him. Maybe it will make him happy. Maybe he has no idea what he wants. If he's contemplating his attraction to women and he's actively disregarding you, you're in a very tenuous position. You do NOT want him to go off and cheat, or bottle his feelings up. You want him to be honest and in touch with his nature. I hate to say it but if you love him, I think you have to encourage him to explore his needs. Remind him that nobody he'll ever date will be as good for him as someone who already completely loves him for who he is. But he has the right to choose. You just don't want to be in a position where you're going to get hurt, needlessly, because of his curiosity.
You two have been together a long time. It could just be cabin fever. If so, it should probably calm down, if not, maybe counseling. I would try that before an open relationship (works for some, but not most). Bisexuality isn't about needing to sleep with both genders anymore than an omnivore needs to eat carrots and bologna in the same mouthful. I'm bi, I've never had sex with a woman, but I'm not about to leave my boyfriend to try it out. That would be crazy. You're in my thoughts. Best wishes with this difficult situation. Keep us posted. (*hug*)
