Live-in boyfriend relationship going stale

Hey everyone,

My boyfriend of 2 years and I moved in together in April because it just made more sense, we spend all of our time together and it was getting annoying having our clothes and stuff in two different places. Things had been going really well living together, but we started to get into a routine that I guess is turning into a rut. My boyfriend told me one morning before work last week that he was unhappy, and when i asked him if it was something I had done, he said maybe. That really got to me, not knowing what he was thinking or feeling. He said he wanted to talk about it when we both got home from work. Of course I spent the whole day convinced he was about to break up with me. It was an emotional morning where I cried a lot and so did he.

When we got home, we were finally able to sit down and talk about it. What he told me was that he felt our relationship was getting stale and like there wasn't any excitement. We talked for a long time about it and he assured me that he loves me very much and that no matter what he will always care about me. He said a lot of things that concerned me though. He said he felt like he was trapped and drowning in our relationship and losing his sense of self because we do everything together. He said he needed some space and he wanted both of us to be individuals and not NEED eachother to be happy, but to be happy with eachother. I agreed that things had gotten a little stale and that I did find it hard to do things without him, but after the conversation I felt as though I now had permission to be my own person with him.

The trouble is that now I don't know what our boundaries are anymore. I don't know when I'm spending too much time with him or anything. We live together so it's hard to really get away from him for too long, our apartment is pretty small. I tried going out with friends the other night but he tagged along with us (which I was fine with because I like having him around, he is my best friend). I checked to make sure he was getting the space he needed and stuff and it seemed like he did. Then last night we had two different things we could go to: A party at my brother's apartment, or a party at his friends apartment. Originally I was going to go to my brother's and he was going to go to his friends. He asked me over and over thorughout the day if i was gonna go with him to his friends or not and eventually I felt like he wanted me to come or something so I did. I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not. I want to give him his space but it seems like maybe he's having a hard time giving himself space as well?

This whole situation has made me really paranoid in our relationship. I'm worried that every move I make is going to be the wrong one and send us down the path of breaking up. I really really don't want to lose him. We want to try to rekindle what we had when we met / before we moved in together but it's going to be hard because we still see eachother every day regardless. I offered to go stay at my parent's house for a weekend or something and he said I didn't need to do that and that he likes sleeping next to me and stuff.

I just don't know what to do. How do I give him space while still being a part of his life? I'm trying to take it as a positive and see all of the potential things I can do now that I have this "permission" to do anything I like. I'm just so used to inviting him anywhere with me. I don't want to start another conversation about it because I'v already annoyed him enough buy crying about it over and over. I'm just so nervous about what this could mean for our relationship. Though things are getting a little stale, we're both still love eachother very much, so we really want to turn this around.

What do you guys think I should do? Should I offer to move out for the sake of our relationship? Should I just try to do less with him? (I wasn't nearly as outgoing as I am now when I met him, so I'm not used to having a lot of friends and going out every weekend, so I'll be home a lot)

 

Well I wouldn't say I NEED him to fill empty spaces in my life. I do have friends of my own , some of which I have neglected more than I should have but I'm still in close contact with a number of them. I could go out and do things without him if I needed to (which it seems I do). I like his friends though too, they're really fun to hang out with.

I'v been thinking about this a lot since all of this went down. If I didn't have him I would have to re-build some kind of routine and I think that's the major issue here. Our routine is the same, so we both do the same things at the same times every day. It can be hard to change a routine you're used to, but I'm trying hard to do it. This morning when we woke up I specifically didn't take a shower with him. When I first brought this up it made him start to cry, but I told him that I want to give him space so he can feel like he has his own routine in the mornings. I asked him what was wrong and after saying "I don't know" a bunch of times he finally said he's afraid everything is gonna be different. (I'm really confused about this. He wants space but also doesn't want things to change?)

I tried to use this weekend as an opportunity to do things without him, but we ended up doing everything together anyways. I went out with a friend who just went through a break-up to cheer her up. It was just going to be me, my friend, and my old roommate, but my boyfriend wanted to see my friend so he came along with us. Then the next night we had two different parties and went to the same one (even though I offered to go to the other one and let him have a night out with his friend on his own).

It seems like he wants to have his own routine and his own life but at the same time doesn't want things to change between us. I just don't see any way we can keep exactly what we had while also giving eachother space. I really want to make this work for both of us. I spent the whole weekend worrying that I was being too clingy or something. At the party I tried to leave him alone for a bit, but it made me feel sad, like I was going to screw something up because I went inside and sat down by myself.

I'm just so distraught about this. I want everything to be okay with us so bad but I won't lie, things have felt weird this weekend. I just don't know where the boundaries are in our relationship. I keep going over the things he said in my head. I want to put the spark back in our relationship but I just dont know how.

 

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the advice it really made me feel better about the situation.
I'm afriad I took this the wrong way and kept focusing on the fact that I felt we got really close to breaking up.

I tried to talk to my boyfriend last night about what the boundaries are and stuff and all he could say really was "I don't know". Then finally after some prodding, I got out of him that he doesn't want to change me.

One of the things he mentioned was that I had always been asking him things that I shouldn't have I guess. His example was like while he cooks sometimes I ask him "Is there anything I can do to help?" I guess he wants me to not ask and just help him. He said sometimes he feels like he's dictating my life for me and he doesn't want to do that. I totally understand what he's saying. I just never thought about it like that before. I was asking him those questions to be nice and offer my help but I think I should have just started helping instead, so that's what I'll try to do now. I told him that asking me to not do something that bothers him isn't going to change me, it will just make me aware of what bothers him. That didn't seem to change his mood but it made me feel better to have discussed it.

He's been REALLY hard to talk to recently. He said he's noticed that I'v been walking on egg shells around him, but the only reason i'm doing that is because he's acting very differently towards me and I don't really know what's going through his head like I used to. When I try to talk to him about things he always gets very silent, but I can tell he's thinking about something. He has this really sad look in his eyes a lot of the time now. I told him that I am just confused about what he wants me to do. (and I think part of the problem is that I'm asking him what he wants me to do rather than just doing it)

This morning he said he just wanted to feel good again. I almost wanted to tell him that maybe this isn't a problem with us, and more just a problem with him. But that felt mean and insensitive. I told him that we should find a therapist for both of us (separately) because it seems like we both need someone to talk to who isn't involved in our relationship at all. He didn't really respond but I did get a tiny head nod. I almost feel like he's taking his problem and turning it into a problem with our relationship when really it's not about that.

I tried to act normal this morning and I know it made me feel a lot better, and he seemed a bit less sad but he still kept getting anxious and stuff. We showered together again this morning, which felt really nice (even though it was FREEZING in our apartment haha).

I'm gonna try to be positive and not ask him so many questions from here on out. I just need to act like nothing is wrong, even though I feel my world crumbling around me. Putting energy into those feelings is probably just going to exacerbate the problem.

I just really really want to work this out and make it okay and it seems like he does too, but I just don't know what's going to happen.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with him. I was asking him his opinion on literally everything. I wouldn't make moves without needing him to weigh in and I'm sure that gets annoying. We've spent the last 2 years spending ALL of our time together, which means we kindof put our personal lives on hold for eachother, and that's not exactly healthy for a relationship either. I think he freaked out because we were headed down a bad path where we'd both miss out on our 20's. Life is too short to be tied down in your 20's and we both agree on that fact. Doesn't mean we can't be together, just means we have to figure out how to be together and still live our lives. What we had/have isn't necessarily normal in a healthy relationship. I'm slowly coming to realize that what he was really trying to say was that I need to make decisions for myself. My confidence has TANKED since school ended a year ago and my inability to make any decision without input from others isn't helping that.

After talking to my friends and parents about the situation, I'v come to the conclusion that acting like this didn't happen isn't the right path. However, I do need to try to continue on with my life and learn to be an individual again. I need to focus on how I feel and not how he feels. Just like he said my happiness shouldn't be dependant on him, his happiness needs to not be dependant on me. We can be happy together, but we need to be happy people individually as well.

The only thing that's really bothering me at this point is the sex. Since all this went down I'v been trying to get him to have sex with me and it's just not happening. I know he's still watching porn every day, but when it comes to me trying to get him to do stuff, he doesn't want to. We'll see how things go after a little while. I also always try to start stuff when we wake up or when we are about to go to sleep, so maybe he's just not ready at those times (he used to be sometimes, but he's had a lot of stress with work recently too). Maybe i'll try to make something happen earlier in the night this weekend.

 

I don't know what tuxedo thing you're referring to. haha

It's not so much that I confuse going to bed with having sex, but those are the times I get the most horny... Probably because I'm cuddling in bed in my underwear with my boyfriend and it gets me going. Plus it's so hard not to in the mornings with morning wood and all that!

He and I have talked about having a somewhat open relationship. We're both into having threesomes but the idea of him having sex with someone else without me is new. We've discussed it and I told him that if he wanted to do that he just needs to talk to me about it and I want to meet the guy or at least see him in some way before he does it. I just want to know who my boyfriend is having sex with and then I want to know the details afterwards because I think that's pretty hot. However, i also told him that I don't want it to turn into this thing where he has sex with other people more than he has sex with me because that would make me feel pretty bad about myself.

He then told me that if I wanted to have sex with this guy I was talking to on ******* for a threesome that I could. I just don't know if he realizes that it won't be that easy for me to give permission like that. At this point in our relationship I would be uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone else without me, and I did tell him that too. Doesn't mean it won't get there. Our relationship isn't really based around sex and we both like variety so I'm open the idea of an open relationship with him so long as we understand the boundaries. It's a work in progress I suppose. I haven't really given it enough time to gauge how he feels about me compared to others. (for all I know, maybe it's not that he's not attracted to me, but that things are getting boring with me... which means I should work on bringing something interesting and new to the table and so should he)

 

So in an attempt to give him the space he needs I will not be accompanying him to hang out with his friend tonight and I'll find something else to do. For some reason though, I feel really anxious about it.

The friend he is going to hang out with his his best friend who is also gay and who we have asked to have a threesome with before, but it never happened. His friend got us into going out to gay clubs/bars and stuff and I'm worried that he's gonna go do one of those things without me. I really enjoy going with him to those things and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to go otherwise unless I wanted to go alone. I'm worried that he's gonna meet someone else there or something. Part of me thinks he doesn't realize how much of a catch he is and how easy it would be for him to find someone else.

I feel like these feelings are irrational. He's never done anything to make me not trust him besides being a little confusing about his emotions right now.

Last night I was doing laundry and had to go into our room where he was to get the hamper. It was really super obvious that he had been jerking off and he was trying to hide it from me. I got the hamper and left but then got really upset and anxious because of the little that we've been having sex. So I stupidly went back into the room to put some clothes away and told him that he didn't have to hide it if he was jerking off... like obviously I know. Then I told him, I don't mind that you jerk off but I asked why he never does that stuff with me anymore. He pretty much just said "I dont know" to everything and made me feel even shittier about it (and I told him that saying "I dont know" just makes me more anxious about it). I think he's really confused about his feelings about me.

It definitely said to me that he doesn't want to have sex with me. That he's not attracted to me anymore, even though he told me this morning that I am beautiful. It makes me really sad that he won't have sex with me like he used to. He said part of it was that I try to start stuff when we've only got 10 minutes in the morning, which is a totally legitimate thing to say, but why is it that when he comes home from work he would rather go jerk off than start anything with me?

That's what really bothers me... He jerks off like every day when he gets home which means he probably isn't interested in having sex for the entire time that I'm with him.

I'm seriously considering going out and finding someone else to have sex with at this point just because I want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I want someone who takes control and acts passionate. Our sex life for the past few months has pretty much been me initiating things and me doing most of the things myself. I get him off but I hardly get the same in return. I get maybe a half-assed touch here and there but that's it really. He hasn't made out with me or anything except for when we're having threesomes. I just feel like he's not passionate at all about it...

I'm starting to feel like he doesn't really care about my feelings. Every time I voice any kind of concern it's met with anger. When he turns to me with concerns I try to be open and available to listen to what he has to say and have a calm conversation about it. I dont understand what's so hard about that.

After we had this little "fight" last night I left him alone for a little while and he came out of our room and cried a little bit and said "I don't know what's wrong with me"
I just told him that he needs to call the list of therapists I gave him and work this out with someone who isn't attached to our relationship.

Whatever he's dealing with, he's using me as an emotional punching bag and I really don't appreciate it, but I also don't know any way of saying that without ending our relationship. Last night he said "When I said I wanted space this isn't what I meant. This isn't working." I asked "What did you mean then? I am confused and clearly don't understand what you need." He just stayed silent... wouldn't say a thing to me... I'm just so confused. I feel like i'v been on an emotional rollercoaster.