1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't want to overwhelm my friends, but...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Leviathan, Sep 15, 2013.

  1. Leviathan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    My close friends are for the most part a group of about 10-15 people. Though it was completely unplanned, in the last week or so, I came out as ftm transexual, one of my other friends came out as genrderfluid, their partner came out as non-binary, and one of our other friends came out as a gender. We didn't know about each other and we hadn't planned to all come out at the same time; it just sort of happened. Most of our other friends are trying their hardest to be supportive, but it's lot for them to take in at once. I seem to be the most difficult because 1) I had previously tried to suppress my identity by being ultra feminine, and so my change seems to be the most drastic, and 2) I'm the only one who didn't also come out to their parents. I didn't because my mother is already physically and emotionally abusive, and she's threatened to kick me out simply for dressing more masculine; I'm scared to tell her I identify as male. My father has thus far never abused me, but he doesn't protect me either, and he's very socially conservative; I doubt he'd support me either. Because of this, I would like my friends to refer to me with masculine pronouns and call my by my chosen name as much as possible, but not in scenarios where my mom or people who would tell my mom may hear. A lot of my friends have asked if they can simply know I'm male but not call my by my chosen name or use masculine pronouns for me ever, both to prevent them from doing it in the wrong situation and to make it easier for them to keep track of everything they've just learned. On one hand, I'd rather be called by my given name than have my mom find out I'm trans, and I understand that this is a lot for our friends to process in such a short timespan, but on the other hand my gender has been really big issue for me for a very long time, at some points distressing me to the point of self-harm and contemplating suicide, and I'm offended that my friends won't even try to support me. also, I'm not a very obtrusive person and I don't want to keep bringing the subject up; I'd feel pushy and I don't like that. Should I just let it be, or should I try to talk my friends into this?
     
  2. bazinga91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    you should talk to your friends about it.. its not being obtrusive when it comes to your health and well being.. they are your friends and they should be there and support you that's what they are for.. friends should be there and be willing to lighten your burden and help you out, they should be a support system for you, if not I don't think are are true friends of yours.. I know you said that this must be a lot of them to digest, however this is a lot for you as well and they should respect your decisions, it is your life and you deserve to live it however you chose, they shouldn't try and change who you are.. you accept them, and they should do the same.. if I were in your shoes I would talk to them about it
     
  3. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. :slight_smile: Honestly, I think it is a little demanding to ask others to call you by different names and pronouns based on the situation because honestly they are probably right that they may slip up. You should just try to stick to one name and pronoun and politely remind them to use that. That said, how likely is it your mom would overhear these names/pronouns?
     
  4. srslywtf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2013
    Messages:
    780
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Honestly the easiest way I found to deal with not having things overheard by my parents was just keeping my social life completely away from them..

    That's probably a dysfunctional way to live though.
     
  5. RainyViolinist

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2013
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    First, I want to congratulate you for coming out! (*hug*) Now, this is a bit of a problem. Is there any way that you can use a gender neutral name that leans toward masculine?(Sam, Ty,Skylar, etc.) I also have to agree with resu, you shouldn't really expect too much at the beginning from your friends as they are still getting the hang of your new identity, and more likely than not, they have no idea what being trans* entails.